Okay, so I know that there have been multiple times in the past where I've written about my relationships and conflict and how I'm so ready to know the future and be sure of everything. And it's not that when I felt those things back then that they weren't real...but now I just have a brand new perspective on things and God has completely opened my eyes to something I've been failing to see for a long time. I over-analyze things. That is no secret. But it's not something that I'm proud of. I've come to realize that over-thinking, analyzing, and thinking catastrophically does not help anything, but it just makes it all worse.
On a side note, my new addiction is Pinterest. There are SO many good ideas, quotes, pictures, crafts, and other inspirational things on there, and it just makes me want to go live life, make creative things, and just be more awesome. But the other day I saw this quote on there, and it really caught my attention:
"No guy is worth your tears, and when you finally find one who is, he'll never make you cry."
I became extremely frustrated when I read this. What kind of fairy tale world are girls today living in? There is no perfect relationship. Love is hard. It takes work, sacrifice, and sometimes you get hurt. People are human and they make mistakes. I have an incredible relationship with an amazing guy, but that doesn't mean I never get hurt. Having a happy, lasting, loving relationship does not mean you never argue or get hurt...it means you love someone enough to tell them when you're hurt, and they do the same, and you both care enough to work on it and make it right because they're worth it. Girls need to get rid of their list of the perfect guy, and stop thinking that relationships don't require work or that if you fight it's not meant to be. Sometimes true love comes with a few tears.
This is really not me trying to be negative or crush little girls' dreams of finding their prince charming. I'm just trying to be realistic and say that if you expect perfection or to never get hurt, you will be more disappointed than if you understand what you deserve, but can also admit that it's okay to get hurt sometimes. Conflict (and the resolution thereof) can often bring people closer together because once you listen and and open up to another in honesty, you come to a greater level of understanding that is better than anything else. There is no growth without struggle.
We don't expect perfection from ourselves, and we hope and expect that others will understand and forgive us when we mess up, so why is it so hard for us to do that for others?
It's okay that I don't have everything figured out, that I still wonder about certain things, and that sometimes I feel confused. I don't have to have it all figured out right now. The time will come in the future, but it's not now, and I need to stop worrying about it. I need to learn to take life as it comes instead of trying to conquer it before it hits me. I can't control anything but myself, and I need to stop thinking that having control will make things better. God knows what is best for me. The beauty in all this is that He knows EXACTLY where I will be in 5 years, whether I will be married, to whom, if I'll have kids, where I'll be working, and everything else. I'd rather him know than me. He's got this. I just gotta relax and trust :)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Rude People
Ok I just need to vent for one second. (Let's be honest, it's already been a second, but no one expected this to last that long anyways). I cannot stand rude people. Inconsiderate people who don't care about anyone's feelings but their own, and who are so caught up in their own lives that they cannot even see the people around them who are their "friends" or who are fellow professionals who deserve respect. I hope that I have never treated anyone with as much disrespect and lack of manners as I have been treated with this week. Do I not deserve that? I wouldn't wish that stuff on my worst enemy. Some people just need to grow up and realize that we are all humans, and no one is better than anyone else, no matter who you think you are.
I have been yelled at, ignored, had eyes rolled at me, and I'm sure plenty of other things that I am unaware of....and the funny part is, all of those people that treated me that way, I was extremely nice to. And I don't even care about them personally! What is this world coming to?! Apparently parents are failing at teaching their kids respect for other humans and learning to treat others kindly, especially if you don't know them.
My thoughts are this: if you are THAT unhappy, to where you can't even smile at and be patient with a stranger who is trying to help you, or respond to your "friend" that you say you care about so much, then honestly I feel sorry for you. That is all.
I feel better now.
I have been yelled at, ignored, had eyes rolled at me, and I'm sure plenty of other things that I am unaware of....and the funny part is, all of those people that treated me that way, I was extremely nice to. And I don't even care about them personally! What is this world coming to?! Apparently parents are failing at teaching their kids respect for other humans and learning to treat others kindly, especially if you don't know them.
My thoughts are this: if you are THAT unhappy, to where you can't even smile at and be patient with a stranger who is trying to help you, or respond to your "friend" that you say you care about so much, then honestly I feel sorry for you. That is all.
I feel better now.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
"All At Once" -The Fray
There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sometimes I have those moments in church when I can barely hold back my tears, wishing that no one was around so that I could fully break down and release my emotions. The pastor shared a verse, one I have heard hundreds of times before, but it hit me in a new way today. To hear that I am saved by grace, not by anything I have done or not done, came across to me in a brand new light, as if I was hearing it for the very first time. To think that I don't have to strive to be perfect or do everything right, but that I can relax, and not beat myself up every time I make a mistake...to realize that I am fully and completely accepted just the way I am by the grace of God poured out on me...it brings me to tears. To think that I don't have to measure up or prove anything to anyone, but I can rest in the fact that God's love for me won't change no matter what...that is truly remarkable. Other people can look at me and judge or condemn me, but I know where my future and hope lie...in Christ alone. And his love for me surpasses any on earth and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so undeserving, but today I realized that my job is not to spend my life apologizing or striving for perfection, but for being grateful for what I have, making the best of it, and seeking to understand Christ and imitate him. If I get caught up in the logistics and legalism of religion like some, I would be completely ineffective and have no influence on anyone.
I just want to live my life, enjoy my freedom, love the Lord, and learn to be content in him. He is, after all, everything I need.
I just want to live my life, enjoy my freedom, love the Lord, and learn to be content in him. He is, after all, everything I need.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Are you afraid of the dark?
Ok so I never watched that show or movie or sitcom or whatever it was that shared that title, but regardless, I've learned that I am deathly afraid of the dark. Not the dark as in the absence of light...I actually find that I can't sleep unless it's completely dark...I'm talking about the dark in the sense of not knowing things. Like if someone hides something from me or if I don't know what is going to happen in a future situation because it is in someone else's hands. If and when things happen that make me acutely aware of just how much I don't know, and just how much I'm not in control of anything, I just want to run away. To find a place where I don't have to talk to anyone and can just be in my own little world that is clean and organized and is not threatened by other people's uncertainty or indecisiveness.
I really don't think I'm asking for too much. No, I'm not at all.
I'm just not sure where I should draw the line and just stop asking for anything at all and go on with my own life.
Also, I'm contemplating deleting my facebook during this engagement/wedding season that is upon us (as if you were unsure of the innuendos that I was throwing out there, or what this entire blog post is about).
I really don't think I'm asking for too much. No, I'm not at all.
I'm just not sure where I should draw the line and just stop asking for anything at all and go on with my own life.
Also, I'm contemplating deleting my facebook during this engagement/wedding season that is upon us (as if you were unsure of the innuendos that I was throwing out there, or what this entire blog post is about).
Friday, July 15, 2011
Answers
Why is it that the things that should be so easy are sometimes the hardest? Simple, yet important decisions suddenly become life changing and complicated and you freeze up and can't even think straight. It's because change is terrifying. Or it can be, if that change propels you into the unknown and vulnerable side of life. But what if you're one of those people who only likes to make big decisions if you have a clear reason for doing it, and you don't have that clear reason [yet]? Do you run? Do you stall? Do you refuse to make a decision until you have a clear answer?
I prefer to just not think about it until I absolutely have to. I don't like not knowing the future, and the more I think about how much I don't know about the future, and the great possibility that it could be a while before I know anything, the more stressed out I get about it and I can't enjoy every day life. I'll admit that I overanalyze things sometimes, but that's just because I want to do things right, and not make huge decisions that I'll regret later in life. I want to follow the path God has for me, but that becomes difficult when you have no idea where God wants you. That's how I feel right now. I'm relatively content, but I'm also not sure that I'm supposed to continue in the way I'm going right now, or if I should make some pretty major changes...I don't even know what's best for me.
I think if I had it my way, I'd just sit here, rest my head back on the couch, close my eyes, and the decision I should make would scroll through my mind either in word or video form, leaving no room for confusion, interpretation errors, or question. That would make life so much simpler, and could prevent a lot of unnecessary pain.
God's timing and actions never seem to make sense until way on down the road.
I'm ready to be way on down the road. This stage isn't for me. Not at all.
I prefer to just not think about it until I absolutely have to. I don't like not knowing the future, and the more I think about how much I don't know about the future, and the great possibility that it could be a while before I know anything, the more stressed out I get about it and I can't enjoy every day life. I'll admit that I overanalyze things sometimes, but that's just because I want to do things right, and not make huge decisions that I'll regret later in life. I want to follow the path God has for me, but that becomes difficult when you have no idea where God wants you. That's how I feel right now. I'm relatively content, but I'm also not sure that I'm supposed to continue in the way I'm going right now, or if I should make some pretty major changes...I don't even know what's best for me.
I think if I had it my way, I'd just sit here, rest my head back on the couch, close my eyes, and the decision I should make would scroll through my mind either in word or video form, leaving no room for confusion, interpretation errors, or question. That would make life so much simpler, and could prevent a lot of unnecessary pain.
God's timing and actions never seem to make sense until way on down the road.
I'm ready to be way on down the road. This stage isn't for me. Not at all.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
the waiting game
Sometimes I feel like it's all I ever do...wait. You'd think I'd be really good at it by now, but the truth is that I'm not. I can be an insanely impatient person sometimes. Currently I am waiting on my laundry to finish so I can fold it before I go to bed...(have I mentioned how much I hate doing my laundry at apartment complexes? I mean I don't even wanna think about the nasty stuff that's been in those washers. Not to mention they're always in the creepiest, sketchiest places ever...I think they plan that so girls will feel scared when going out to do their laundry late at night...I cannot wait to move to my new apartment in a month where I'll have my own washer and dryer!) Waiting on laundry doesn't necessarily bother me that much...it's all the other bigger, more serious things I'm waiting on that bother me more. Laundry is just the icing on the cake.
I know I'm supposed to be patient and trust that God is going to do his will in his time and that everything will eventually work out, because it always does, but it's not always that easy. I'm living in Johnson City, working full time at a restaurant for the summer until grad school starts in the fall, and trying to adjust to life on my own. Although it's nice to be out of the house an completely independent, I am still somewhat anxious about where Jake is going to end up. He's applied for jobs in VA, GA, NC, and of course TN, but at this point I just want him to get a job. Of course I want him to be in Johnson City, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Honestly I'm beyond tired of long distance, since that's basically all we've done for the past 2 years.
I also just got done waiting on a lot of things...grad school, an assistantship, an apartment, a roommate, a job...and God has come through on each and every one of those things. Now it's my job to trust in his faithfulness and not worry about the future. If I don't trust, it simply shows that I don't believe God is capable enough to do what is best for me, or prepare me for what he is going to do. God doesn't always do what we want him to do, but he always does what is best in his eyes. I found a quote recently that hit me really hard:
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." -Frank Crane
This applies to God, boys, friends, and family. We can torture ourselves by thinking of all the "what-if's" or the doubts that we may have instead of just trusting. Yes, it makes us vulnerable, but I think it's better to be vulnerable than to drive others away or not relying on God the way we should.
On a lighter note...being graduated from college feels pretty flippin awesome! Even though I have to go back to school, I'm SO glad to be done with that chapter of my life! :)
I know I'm supposed to be patient and trust that God is going to do his will in his time and that everything will eventually work out, because it always does, but it's not always that easy. I'm living in Johnson City, working full time at a restaurant for the summer until grad school starts in the fall, and trying to adjust to life on my own. Although it's nice to be out of the house an completely independent, I am still somewhat anxious about where Jake is going to end up. He's applied for jobs in VA, GA, NC, and of course TN, but at this point I just want him to get a job. Of course I want him to be in Johnson City, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Honestly I'm beyond tired of long distance, since that's basically all we've done for the past 2 years.
I also just got done waiting on a lot of things...grad school, an assistantship, an apartment, a roommate, a job...and God has come through on each and every one of those things. Now it's my job to trust in his faithfulness and not worry about the future. If I don't trust, it simply shows that I don't believe God is capable enough to do what is best for me, or prepare me for what he is going to do. God doesn't always do what we want him to do, but he always does what is best in his eyes. I found a quote recently that hit me really hard:
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." -Frank Crane
This applies to God, boys, friends, and family. We can torture ourselves by thinking of all the "what-if's" or the doubts that we may have instead of just trusting. Yes, it makes us vulnerable, but I think it's better to be vulnerable than to drive others away or not relying on God the way we should.
On a lighter note...being graduated from college feels pretty flippin awesome! Even though I have to go back to school, I'm SO glad to be done with that chapter of my life! :)
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Senioritis...to say the least
Well, it's no surprise...it's been a while. I guess that's just what happens when you get to be a senior in college and you've found a million other things to do instead of the work you should be doing. I guess that means I should've been blogging more since I've been so busy procrastinating, but I guess my time has been spent sleeping, counting the days til graduation, and hanging out with friends I may not see much after the next month. But really, who am I kidding? I am and always will be an over-achiever, and my version of procrastinating is everyone else's normal. It's not that I haven't done my work or skipped more class (although I have missed a day of work and a few classes because of some late nights), it's just that I absolutely don't want to do ANYTHING. And that in itself is the definition of senioritis I guess. But we're almost there. Only about 34 more days.
In the meantime, I'm officially going to grad school! Yay! After one extremely intimidating interview, one fantastic interview, and one that was more like a ten minute "we really want you to come to our school" talk, I have finally been accepted and chosen to continue my education as a marriage and family therapist at ETSU. It feels so good to finally know! I'm in the process of applying for assistantships, in hopes they'll offer to pay me to go to school, and until then it's just free sailing!
My brother comes home from Hawaii (yes, I know, rough life he leads) the day after I graduate, then I guess I"ll be moving to big ole Johnson City! I am SO ready to be out of college. I mean, it's great and all, but I just know I'm ready for something bigger and better. I'm tired of drama and hurt feelings and immaturity and other stuff. I just want to forge ahead in my career and continue gaining experience! I am just SO excited about life, and all that God has in store for me! I don't know the half of it, but he always has a great way of revealing it to me when the time is just right!
However, I have made some new friends and we went to the beach for spring break, and we've just had a blast going out this year and enjoying ourselves, something I feel like many seniors have forgotten how to do! I know this is my last chance, so I plan on doing it now! Life is in session! (just a funny quote from the movie "The Switch" with Jennifer Aniston. really cute movie..and she is brilliant as always). Jake is looking for jobs everywhere he can, but stiil is not sure where he's gonna be this summer or next year. I sure do hope it's close, because this whole long distance thing is for the birds, and I'm over it! His stepdad passed away early in March, so it's been a really difficult time, but we're making it. God is faithful as always.
Speaking of God being faithful...isn't he?? He always knows how to draw me to himself and when the exact moment is that my heart is ready to hear certain things. I am slowly realizing that although things in this life may be fun and fulfilling in the moment, none of it brings true joy, and it really is only temporary. Hence the feelings of emptiness and loneliness when I'm not investing myself in the Word like I should be. I'm telling you, it's legit. And totally worth allowing your life to revolve around it. It's the only thing that matters after all.
Excuse me while I go live life :)
In the meantime, I'm officially going to grad school! Yay! After one extremely intimidating interview, one fantastic interview, and one that was more like a ten minute "we really want you to come to our school" talk, I have finally been accepted and chosen to continue my education as a marriage and family therapist at ETSU. It feels so good to finally know! I'm in the process of applying for assistantships, in hopes they'll offer to pay me to go to school, and until then it's just free sailing!
My brother comes home from Hawaii (yes, I know, rough life he leads) the day after I graduate, then I guess I"ll be moving to big ole Johnson City! I am SO ready to be out of college. I mean, it's great and all, but I just know I'm ready for something bigger and better. I'm tired of drama and hurt feelings and immaturity and other stuff. I just want to forge ahead in my career and continue gaining experience! I am just SO excited about life, and all that God has in store for me! I don't know the half of it, but he always has a great way of revealing it to me when the time is just right!
However, I have made some new friends and we went to the beach for spring break, and we've just had a blast going out this year and enjoying ourselves, something I feel like many seniors have forgotten how to do! I know this is my last chance, so I plan on doing it now! Life is in session! (just a funny quote from the movie "The Switch" with Jennifer Aniston. really cute movie..and she is brilliant as always). Jake is looking for jobs everywhere he can, but stiil is not sure where he's gonna be this summer or next year. I sure do hope it's close, because this whole long distance thing is for the birds, and I'm over it! His stepdad passed away early in March, so it's been a really difficult time, but we're making it. God is faithful as always.
Speaking of God being faithful...isn't he?? He always knows how to draw me to himself and when the exact moment is that my heart is ready to hear certain things. I am slowly realizing that although things in this life may be fun and fulfilling in the moment, none of it brings true joy, and it really is only temporary. Hence the feelings of emptiness and loneliness when I'm not investing myself in the Word like I should be. I'm telling you, it's legit. And totally worth allowing your life to revolve around it. It's the only thing that matters after all.
Excuse me while I go live life :)
Friday, February 4, 2011
An Update from Senior Year so far :)
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| Date night :) |
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| on the lake! |
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| before Dave Barnes |
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| At the top of Mt. Leconte! |
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| Me and Savannah & Jackson at homecoming |
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| dancing at Dillon and Emily's wedding |
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| The 4 siblings :) |
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| :) at Max Patch |
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| Friends |
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| Weekend at Erin's house! |
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| Me and Savannah at Dollywood! |
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| The whole family ♥ |
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| Precious baby boy |
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| brother! |
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| the 3 sisters |
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| Carolina game :D |
Thursday, February 3, 2011
A Reason to Sing
I absolutely love to watch God work in my life. It seems like almost every single day he is opening my eyes to something new that he is doing. I love watching it because it affirms the fact that I am not alone, I am cared for, and no matter what happens, everything really will be okay.
Recently I have been learning one of the most humbling lessons known to man (or woman in this case). God has basically bombarded me with the realization of how incredibly insecure and needy I am. I hate to even admit it, but it's true. No one wants to admit that, because the picture that comes to mind is a clingy little girl who is always competing for attention and love. It's not that extreme, but I do see in myself strivings for approval and affirmation constantly, even if it's just a text message or response on Facebook (lame, I know). I have always been taught to be independent, responsible, and to rely on God and myself. I never thought I would say that I have become dependent on human beings. But hey, at least I recognize it. Now I can change it.
Amidst this realization, God has been comforting me and helping me to realize that I am not alone in this. He's good at that :) I've talked to some friends and I am beginning to see that this is a pattern in many girls' lives, and that it is actually a huge problem. When we start to rely on others for acceptance and love, we discount God's amazing and unconditional love. There is no one, and I mean NO ONE who can give you love that is any where close in comparison to the kind of love that God gives you. Granted, it may not come in the form of a hug, a kiss, or a dozen roses, but it far surpasses all of those things. Earthly love is the kind that gives us the warm fuzzies, or makes our heart leap when we see that special someone. It's the kind that binds you to your best girlfriends and your family, the kind that we really do need in order to survive. But God's love...whew, that's in it's own category. It's not even in the same playing field.
I get frustrated at myself because somehow I let myself get caught up in receiving attention and affirmation from earthly figures and I forget how filling the love of Christ is. It's so easy to lose sight of that and forget just why I am so blessed and why I have so many wonderful things in my life. HE is the one who has given me everything, and without him I would be nothing. So many times I fail to acknowledge him as the giver of all things, which is why I continue to search in worthless places for approval. It is a vicious cycle, because once I remember/realize that nothing on earth can fill me, then I run back to the ever-open arms of Christ, but until then I'm stuck in my insecurities, longing so much to be desired, loved, accepted, affirmed, and sought after by others. I know full well that God is the only one worth pursuing and giving my all. He will take care of everything I give him, and will never give me less than everything. He is committed to me, he pursues me, and his love is beyond comprehension. It fills me to overflowing. That is why I sing.
Recently I have been learning one of the most humbling lessons known to man (or woman in this case). God has basically bombarded me with the realization of how incredibly insecure and needy I am. I hate to even admit it, but it's true. No one wants to admit that, because the picture that comes to mind is a clingy little girl who is always competing for attention and love. It's not that extreme, but I do see in myself strivings for approval and affirmation constantly, even if it's just a text message or response on Facebook (lame, I know). I have always been taught to be independent, responsible, and to rely on God and myself. I never thought I would say that I have become dependent on human beings. But hey, at least I recognize it. Now I can change it.
Amidst this realization, God has been comforting me and helping me to realize that I am not alone in this. He's good at that :) I've talked to some friends and I am beginning to see that this is a pattern in many girls' lives, and that it is actually a huge problem. When we start to rely on others for acceptance and love, we discount God's amazing and unconditional love. There is no one, and I mean NO ONE who can give you love that is any where close in comparison to the kind of love that God gives you. Granted, it may not come in the form of a hug, a kiss, or a dozen roses, but it far surpasses all of those things. Earthly love is the kind that gives us the warm fuzzies, or makes our heart leap when we see that special someone. It's the kind that binds you to your best girlfriends and your family, the kind that we really do need in order to survive. But God's love...whew, that's in it's own category. It's not even in the same playing field.
I get frustrated at myself because somehow I let myself get caught up in receiving attention and affirmation from earthly figures and I forget how filling the love of Christ is. It's so easy to lose sight of that and forget just why I am so blessed and why I have so many wonderful things in my life. HE is the one who has given me everything, and without him I would be nothing. So many times I fail to acknowledge him as the giver of all things, which is why I continue to search in worthless places for approval. It is a vicious cycle, because once I remember/realize that nothing on earth can fill me, then I run back to the ever-open arms of Christ, but until then I'm stuck in my insecurities, longing so much to be desired, loved, accepted, affirmed, and sought after by others. I know full well that God is the only one worth pursuing and giving my all. He will take care of everything I give him, and will never give me less than everything. He is committed to me, he pursues me, and his love is beyond comprehension. It fills me to overflowing. That is why I sing.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
fatigue
I hope in advance that this entry doesn't depress anyone or even sound depressing. It's just my feelings today. Not who I always am, just me. Just today.
I am tired. Tired of a lot of different things, but mainly just tired. I am tired of waking up and not feeling rested, tired of not making time to do the things I know I should do. I am tired of wondering who my friends are and who (if anyone) I'll keep in touch with once I graduate in a few months. I am tired of worrying (or even thinking) about the future. I am tired of not knowing what it holds or where I'm going to be living in 4 months. I am tired of not knowing stuff. I feel so lost sometimes and that I'm just going through the motions of everyday life, trying to make sure no one sees how much I am absolutely going insane on the inside. There are days when I feel like I have no one to talk to other than God- no one who has the time or concern. I feel like I get lost in the sea of faces and don't have anything unique to offer. I know these are all lies that are not true, but sometimes there is still a part of me that wonders if I'll ever feel at home. If I'll ever feel like I belong somewhere.
Maybe the best word to describe it is restlessness. Yeah, that mixed with an insane amount of loneliness. I'm sure that anyone who knows me at all would say that I have it all together, my life is great, my future is bright, I don't have any problems, and that I am basically living the dream. But they don't know the real me. Not many people do. It's not like I'm this crazy person who is secretly depressed and has no friends and her whole life is fake...I actually think I'm pretty much normal. I think we all have a side of ourselves that we don't necessarily want others to see. The side that cries in the middle of the afternoon because of nothing. The side that is truly scared to death that I'll be alone in a few months at grad school, with nothing but my career to look forward to. The side that wonders if any of my friends truly care about me or if they just play along because they don't want to hurt me. And the side that wonders if all of this has any point.
Now don't get me wrong, I believe that God is sovereign and that he can use me in whatever situation I am in because I am there for a reason...but there are just those days when I feel so incredibly out of place that I don't even want to face anyone for fear of them seeing right through me. All I want is someone to see me for who I am- the scared, vulnerable, confused, insecure girl that I am and be okay with it. There are so many expectations placed on me and I feel like if I show any weakness or any lapse in perfection no one will understand. I have played this role so long, worn this mask for so many years...I'm not even sure how to separate my real self from it anymore.
I just wanna find my way back.
I can see it ahead. My God is stronger. I am weak, but his strength in me is enough. I want to leave it all behind and start over.
I am tired. Tired of a lot of different things, but mainly just tired. I am tired of waking up and not feeling rested, tired of not making time to do the things I know I should do. I am tired of wondering who my friends are and who (if anyone) I'll keep in touch with once I graduate in a few months. I am tired of worrying (or even thinking) about the future. I am tired of not knowing what it holds or where I'm going to be living in 4 months. I am tired of not knowing stuff. I feel so lost sometimes and that I'm just going through the motions of everyday life, trying to make sure no one sees how much I am absolutely going insane on the inside. There are days when I feel like I have no one to talk to other than God- no one who has the time or concern. I feel like I get lost in the sea of faces and don't have anything unique to offer. I know these are all lies that are not true, but sometimes there is still a part of me that wonders if I'll ever feel at home. If I'll ever feel like I belong somewhere.
Maybe the best word to describe it is restlessness. Yeah, that mixed with an insane amount of loneliness. I'm sure that anyone who knows me at all would say that I have it all together, my life is great, my future is bright, I don't have any problems, and that I am basically living the dream. But they don't know the real me. Not many people do. It's not like I'm this crazy person who is secretly depressed and has no friends and her whole life is fake...I actually think I'm pretty much normal. I think we all have a side of ourselves that we don't necessarily want others to see. The side that cries in the middle of the afternoon because of nothing. The side that is truly scared to death that I'll be alone in a few months at grad school, with nothing but my career to look forward to. The side that wonders if any of my friends truly care about me or if they just play along because they don't want to hurt me. And the side that wonders if all of this has any point.
Now don't get me wrong, I believe that God is sovereign and that he can use me in whatever situation I am in because I am there for a reason...but there are just those days when I feel so incredibly out of place that I don't even want to face anyone for fear of them seeing right through me. All I want is someone to see me for who I am- the scared, vulnerable, confused, insecure girl that I am and be okay with it. There are so many expectations placed on me and I feel like if I show any weakness or any lapse in perfection no one will understand. I have played this role so long, worn this mask for so many years...I'm not even sure how to separate my real self from it anymore.
I just wanna find my way back.
I can see it ahead. My God is stronger. I am weak, but his strength in me is enough. I want to leave it all behind and start over.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
what are you waiting for?
...just some groundbreaking life lessons from my time with the Lord this evening:
Lately, as I blogged a few days ago, God has been revealing to me the lies I have been believing and that are thus controlling my life. Today I started a new Bible study that my sister got me for Christmas that is based on the life and book of Ruth. The first day talked about Naomi's family's trip to the land of the Moabites from the land of Israel--from the land of the covenant to a land that God had forbidden contact with. There was a famine in their land and they took the easy way out to a more fertile and seemingly promising land. The challenge was to learn to accept the place in your life that you are at (whether it's in a place of trial or prosperity) and stop trying to take the easy way out. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." If we are constantly striving for more and deceiving ourselves into thinking that we deserve more or that we can't be happy until we graduate, until we find a boyfriend, until we find a job, until we are engaged (that one hits home), until we get through this semester, or whatever that something that you're looking forward to is, then we are not taking full advantage of all the things God has blessed us with NOW!
We have to learn to take God at his word and realize that he has us where we are for a reason and that he is sovereign in all things. He will use our situation for his glory if we let him, but that requires us to set aside the things we want or think we deserve. As I was praying after I finished the study, my eyes shot wide open as God whispered a painful and devastating truth to my heart. "Hannah, you have to stop believing that you can only be complete and truly happy until you are married. You need to learn to take advantage of your single life, because I have great things in store for you. You have every reason to be happy now and to enjoy life and be my vessel."
I was dumbfounded. Girls around me are literally getting engaged by the dozens, and I feel so incredibly left out. I am more than ready for that stage in my life (or at least I think I am), but that doesn't mean that I should discount all the wonderful things I have going on now.
If we are constantly living our lives unsatisfied and anticipating something greater (other than heaven), we will miss out on all the great things that are already before us. The truth is that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I have an amazing family that loves me, I have wonderful and fun friends, I have a God who gave his life for me and wants to use me to reach others for him- now, where I am at this point in my life, and I have an incredible, loving boyfriend who loves me more than I could ever ask or deserve. Me previously believing this lie that I'll never be happy until I'm married has had an extremely negative effect on our relationship because I have been interpreting everything in the light of future marriage. It has prevented me from living in the moment, from enjoying this day, this date, this conversation, this distance, this growth. I am constantly looking and waiting for something better, for something more, and it has caused me to miss out on so many good things.
And I am done with it. I don't want to let another day go by that I miss out on things or take things for granted. I want to take advantage of every opportunity and realize how truly blessed I am and always see the many reasons I have to be happy. Right now.
♥
Lately, as I blogged a few days ago, God has been revealing to me the lies I have been believing and that are thus controlling my life. Today I started a new Bible study that my sister got me for Christmas that is based on the life and book of Ruth. The first day talked about Naomi's family's trip to the land of the Moabites from the land of Israel--from the land of the covenant to a land that God had forbidden contact with. There was a famine in their land and they took the easy way out to a more fertile and seemingly promising land. The challenge was to learn to accept the place in your life that you are at (whether it's in a place of trial or prosperity) and stop trying to take the easy way out. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." If we are constantly striving for more and deceiving ourselves into thinking that we deserve more or that we can't be happy until we graduate, until we find a boyfriend, until we find a job, until we are engaged (that one hits home), until we get through this semester, or whatever that something that you're looking forward to is, then we are not taking full advantage of all the things God has blessed us with NOW!
We have to learn to take God at his word and realize that he has us where we are for a reason and that he is sovereign in all things. He will use our situation for his glory if we let him, but that requires us to set aside the things we want or think we deserve. As I was praying after I finished the study, my eyes shot wide open as God whispered a painful and devastating truth to my heart. "Hannah, you have to stop believing that you can only be complete and truly happy until you are married. You need to learn to take advantage of your single life, because I have great things in store for you. You have every reason to be happy now and to enjoy life and be my vessel."
I was dumbfounded. Girls around me are literally getting engaged by the dozens, and I feel so incredibly left out. I am more than ready for that stage in my life (or at least I think I am), but that doesn't mean that I should discount all the wonderful things I have going on now.
If we are constantly living our lives unsatisfied and anticipating something greater (other than heaven), we will miss out on all the great things that are already before us. The truth is that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I have an amazing family that loves me, I have wonderful and fun friends, I have a God who gave his life for me and wants to use me to reach others for him- now, where I am at this point in my life, and I have an incredible, loving boyfriend who loves me more than I could ever ask or deserve. Me previously believing this lie that I'll never be happy until I'm married has had an extremely negative effect on our relationship because I have been interpreting everything in the light of future marriage. It has prevented me from living in the moment, from enjoying this day, this date, this conversation, this distance, this growth. I am constantly looking and waiting for something better, for something more, and it has caused me to miss out on so many good things.
And I am done with it. I don't want to let another day go by that I miss out on things or take things for granted. I want to take advantage of every opportunity and realize how truly blessed I am and always see the many reasons I have to be happy. Right now.
♥
a penny for your thoughts...
A few thoughts for today:
1. I am tired of snow, and I am officially ready for spring, warm weather, a tan, and SB '11 with my girls!
2. The mexican restaurant in town should give my roommates and I frequent diner cards so we can get meals free (which is always better than $4).
3. I like it when God is teaching me and changing me...it might be painful and difficult, but it is more than worth it in the end.
4. Girl talk is always better than girl-boy talk, unless he's gay. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but sometimes you just need someone who thinks the same way you do.
5. Always invest time in your friendships...you won't always be single and living with them in an apartment.
6. I need to be more motivated to work out, but this cold weather does not help anything.
7. Never take anything for granted.
8. The thought of walking to class in the snow/29 degree weather does not sound appealing. I would rather just stay in my warm apartment and watch Friends all day.
9. Someone should invent some contacts that don't dry out. Like for real.
10. Be thankful for the little things, and don't let a day go by without telling those you love how much you care about them.
1. I am tired of snow, and I am officially ready for spring, warm weather, a tan, and SB '11 with my girls!
2. The mexican restaurant in town should give my roommates and I frequent diner cards so we can get meals free (which is always better than $4).
3. I like it when God is teaching me and changing me...it might be painful and difficult, but it is more than worth it in the end.
4. Girl talk is always better than girl-boy talk, unless he's gay. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but sometimes you just need someone who thinks the same way you do.
5. Always invest time in your friendships...you won't always be single and living with them in an apartment.
6. I need to be more motivated to work out, but this cold weather does not help anything.
7. Never take anything for granted.
8. The thought of walking to class in the snow/29 degree weather does not sound appealing. I would rather just stay in my warm apartment and watch Friends all day.
9. Someone should invent some contacts that don't dry out. Like for real.
10. Be thankful for the little things, and don't let a day go by without telling those you love how much you care about them.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Life is not a Lottery
Christmas break has brought TONS of life lessons for me, and I am truly inspired and ready to start living my life differently. This is not a New Year's resolution thing...this is a life-changing message from God that will alter the entire path of my life if I let it. Lately in my devotions, I have been reading through this book that talks about gaining control over our minds and allowing them to be transformed by "letting the Word of Christ dwell in [us] richly" and God has really opened my eyes. I read that it takes only 6 weeks of thinking a wrong thought to develop a habit, and that our lives and actions eventually reveal what we have chosen to think about and what we believe. When we allow negative thoughts in our lives and we begin to believe the lies that Satan so easily plants in our minds, they become destructive thought patterns that can dictate how we feel and what we do. The truth is that God does not give you negative thoughts about yourself, others, himself, or your circumstances. And whatever does not come from God is from Satan. As I was reading all of this, I began to pray that God would reveal any lies I'm believing or any negative thought patterns in my life that are affecting it for the worse...and boy was I amazed. Tons of lies starting pouring into my head-- lies about myself, my boyfriend and our relationship, lies about God, lies about my family and friends...and each and every one of them was altering the way I was thinking about myself or those relationships. And because I was believing all of those lies, each time something happened (like a negative event or a comment to hurt my feelings) I would interpret it in the light of that lie (like "they don't really care about me anyways," or, "I must not be worth their time.") You can see how completely destructive these ways of thinking are in my life and anyone else's who believes anything similar.
They (whoever "they" is) say that recognizing the problem is the first step. I know it is a big step, and I am so glad that God has revealed these things to me, but I am also overwhelmed at how I am going to fight these lies that seem to almost control my entire thought life. As I continued reading, I was struck by how simple (yet not easy) the solution is. My initial reaction would be to be ultra cautious of my thoughts and everytime I realized I was thinking or believing a lie, to simply refute it and say it wasn't true. That sounds like a TON of work. But, surprisingly enough, (hopefully you can hear the sarcasm), my way is not the best way. The only way to get out of this pattern and stop this cycle of lies is to fill your heart and mind with the truth that is in the Word of God. "Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly!" Fill your mind with truths about yourself, others, God, and your circumstances. Choose truth. Do not let your mind be taken captive by the lies of the evil one. Cling to your position in Christ and the value He places on you. Spend enough time in the Word and memorize verses that spell out God's promises and your security in Him that any time a lie does come into view, you will be able to laugh and say, "Good try, Satan, but my Father already told me who I am and how much He loves me, and He's a heck of a lot more trustworthy than you!"
Life is not a lottery; the odds are all in our favor. All we have to do is believe the truth and be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
They (whoever "they" is) say that recognizing the problem is the first step. I know it is a big step, and I am so glad that God has revealed these things to me, but I am also overwhelmed at how I am going to fight these lies that seem to almost control my entire thought life. As I continued reading, I was struck by how simple (yet not easy) the solution is. My initial reaction would be to be ultra cautious of my thoughts and everytime I realized I was thinking or believing a lie, to simply refute it and say it wasn't true. That sounds like a TON of work. But, surprisingly enough, (hopefully you can hear the sarcasm), my way is not the best way. The only way to get out of this pattern and stop this cycle of lies is to fill your heart and mind with the truth that is in the Word of God. "Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly!" Fill your mind with truths about yourself, others, God, and your circumstances. Choose truth. Do not let your mind be taken captive by the lies of the evil one. Cling to your position in Christ and the value He places on you. Spend enough time in the Word and memorize verses that spell out God's promises and your security in Him that any time a lie does come into view, you will be able to laugh and say, "Good try, Satan, but my Father already told me who I am and how much He loves me, and He's a heck of a lot more trustworthy than you!"
Life is not a lottery; the odds are all in our favor. All we have to do is believe the truth and be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
silver dollars
I have decided that I love house-sitting. I am currently sitting in the living room of my sister and brother in-law's house while they are in ATL for the weekend seeing his family. I get to eat what I want, come and go as I please, and sleep when and where I want. (not that I can't do those things otherwise, but I just like the feeling of having my own space, my own house.) Don't get me wrong, I love being at home with my mom and family, and I love my roommates in my apt at school, but there's something about having a place of your own.
That's why I keep getting more and more excited about having my own place next year when I'm in grad school. I'm still not sure where I'll be and what school I'll be at, but all I know is that I can't wait to decorate, get new things, and have a whole place to myself...of course I am a naturally paranoid person, but only when I am alone at night. I guess I'll have to get over that before I can live happily on my own...haha. I don't mind it here because they have a dog and an alarm system, so I'm not too worried.
I was struck today in church about how mighty my God is. The pastor was talking about all the Old Testament prophecies about the Messiah and he said that the probability of all 322 prophecies coming true in one person (Jesus Christ) is the same as a person finding a silver dollar marked with an "x" in a pool the size of Texas filled knee deep with silver dollars, blindfolded at midnight. Wow. That's a big statement. And thinking about trying to do that makes my head hurt. All I know is that I'm glad God decided to make it really clear so that there woud be no doubt as to who his Son was. I just can't get over the fact that my Jesus loves me enough to come to this Earth and undergo all that he went through just to save me. What an amazing God! And somehow I still manage to live my days somewhat oblivious to his incredible graciousness, because I choose to be caught up in my own agenda and selfishness. If only I could live my life as an outward expression of my thankfulness and wonder at His majesty.
That's why I keep getting more and more excited about having my own place next year when I'm in grad school. I'm still not sure where I'll be and what school I'll be at, but all I know is that I can't wait to decorate, get new things, and have a whole place to myself...of course I am a naturally paranoid person, but only when I am alone at night. I guess I'll have to get over that before I can live happily on my own...haha. I don't mind it here because they have a dog and an alarm system, so I'm not too worried.
I was struck today in church about how mighty my God is. The pastor was talking about all the Old Testament prophecies about the Messiah and he said that the probability of all 322 prophecies coming true in one person (Jesus Christ) is the same as a person finding a silver dollar marked with an "x" in a pool the size of Texas filled knee deep with silver dollars, blindfolded at midnight. Wow. That's a big statement. And thinking about trying to do that makes my head hurt. All I know is that I'm glad God decided to make it really clear so that there woud be no doubt as to who his Son was. I just can't get over the fact that my Jesus loves me enough to come to this Earth and undergo all that he went through just to save me. What an amazing God! And somehow I still manage to live my days somewhat oblivious to his incredible graciousness, because I choose to be caught up in my own agenda and selfishness. If only I could live my life as an outward expression of my thankfulness and wonder at His majesty.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I hate ice.
Ugh. This weather is absolutely ridiculous. It is currently Thursday at 1:15 pm. I was finished with my finals on Tuesday at noon. I could've been home. I could be there now. But no. Stupidly I decided to stay and work yesterday (to make some much needed money) and I stayed last night in order to pick up my work study check today. Well, now I'm stuck here at school. No check, no going home...at least for a few more hours. It came a huge ice storm last night and now I'm seriously considering taking up ice skating in our parking lot. Finals for today were cancelled, and somehow a bunch of people are supposed to graduate tomorrow. I guess we'll see how that works out...
In other news, I am beginning to wonder if friendship is something real and lasting, or if it's supposed to come and go like it does. Maybe that just happens with me. I feel like girls are so wishy washy, and I can only hope and pray that I don't come across the same way. I hope that I offer stable, supportive friendship without playing favorites or being too emotional. It's not everyone, just some, and maybe that's just God showing me who my friends really are and who is worth investing in. I guess I just feel like friendship isn't that complicated, and I'm not sure why some people have to make it so much about feelings and moods, but to me if you're friends with someone, you treat them like a friend, regardless of what kind of day you had or what kind of mood you're in. Oh well. The only thing I can do is try my best to reflect Christ always in my attitude and serve others, no matter how they make me feel, even if I feel rejected and unwanted. Christ felt that way his entire life, but he still gave his life for those who hated him. I want to be that kind of friend.
As I sit here, I keep hearing cars struggling outside in the ice...and it makes me wonder if I'll ever get home :( I really need there to be a sudden spike in the temperature to melt away all the ice and make the roads to my house nice and clear! Like now!
All I can hope is that my time at home is not stressful but is relaxing and enjoyable. I'm sure it will be, since I'll just be glad to be away from school for a while. I just hope there's not drama. I just can't wait to see Jake. I absolutely HATE being separated from him so much, and I know he hates it too. I just keep praying that God puts us in the same city once I go to grad school. I can't keep doing this long distance stuff much longer. It is so hard. Just gotta hang in there, and try to stay positive.
Guess I should go take some pills for my headache. Wonderful.
Here's to hoping for a better rest of the day.
In other news, I am beginning to wonder if friendship is something real and lasting, or if it's supposed to come and go like it does. Maybe that just happens with me. I feel like girls are so wishy washy, and I can only hope and pray that I don't come across the same way. I hope that I offer stable, supportive friendship without playing favorites or being too emotional. It's not everyone, just some, and maybe that's just God showing me who my friends really are and who is worth investing in. I guess I just feel like friendship isn't that complicated, and I'm not sure why some people have to make it so much about feelings and moods, but to me if you're friends with someone, you treat them like a friend, regardless of what kind of day you had or what kind of mood you're in. Oh well. The only thing I can do is try my best to reflect Christ always in my attitude and serve others, no matter how they make me feel, even if I feel rejected and unwanted. Christ felt that way his entire life, but he still gave his life for those who hated him. I want to be that kind of friend.
As I sit here, I keep hearing cars struggling outside in the ice...and it makes me wonder if I'll ever get home :( I really need there to be a sudden spike in the temperature to melt away all the ice and make the roads to my house nice and clear! Like now!
All I can hope is that my time at home is not stressful but is relaxing and enjoyable. I'm sure it will be, since I'll just be glad to be away from school for a while. I just hope there's not drama. I just can't wait to see Jake. I absolutely HATE being separated from him so much, and I know he hates it too. I just keep praying that God puts us in the same city once I go to grad school. I can't keep doing this long distance stuff much longer. It is so hard. Just gotta hang in there, and try to stay positive.
Guess I should go take some pills for my headache. Wonderful.
Here's to hoping for a better rest of the day.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Draw Near Despite the Pain
Thank goodness it is almost the end of the semester. But, even as I say that, I know that when next semester rolls around, I am going to want time to slow down because I know I won't be ready to leave this place. I will be fine with leaving the work and papers (only to go on to more and more in grad school haha) but I know that I won't be ready to leave this place. There are so many memories here and I have made some amazing friends and met my incredible boyfriend. Plus it holds a ton of family memories, seeing as how I've been coming here since my oldest sister was a freshman here, and I was in 5th grade. Good times. Anyways, all I know is I'm ready for a break and a chance to chill without thinking of the million things I have to do.
So yesterday, Jake and I went to go see the new Narnia movie, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader...and it was AMAZING! Seriously those movies are so incredible and the parallels with Biblical truths are unreal and they bring me to tears. There was this one specific part (and I'll try not to give too much away) after Eustace was a dragon and Aslan changed him back that really struck me. Edmund, Lucy and Eustace and some others were in a boat and Edmund asked Eustace, "So what was it like, when Aslan changed you back?" Eustace responded (and this is what gets me), "No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t do it myself. Then he came towards me. It sort of hurt – but it was a good pain, like when you pull a thorn from your foot.” I just can't get over this. How many times have we tried to change ourselves into who we think we're supposed to be instead of surrendering and letting God come towards us and transform us according to his incredible power and love??
It reminds me of the song "Sweetly Broken" by Jeremy Riddle, and the fact that being changed by God may not always be the most enjoyable thing, and we may feel pain, or feel like we're broken. But the reality is that He is bigger than any of that and He will always do what is best for us in the end. It is up to us to trust in Him and His plan. Eustace felt pain when Aslan came toward him, and he didn't understand what was happening because of his limited perspective. But then, when he opened his eyes again, he was transformed back into a boy and although it did involve some pain, it wasn't an altogether terrible pain, and in the end it brought about the desired result. If only we could trust God enough so that we could be willingly transformed into the image of His Son, and maybe with a little less pain.
So yesterday, Jake and I went to go see the new Narnia movie, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader...and it was AMAZING! Seriously those movies are so incredible and the parallels with Biblical truths are unreal and they bring me to tears. There was this one specific part (and I'll try not to give too much away) after Eustace was a dragon and Aslan changed him back that really struck me. Edmund, Lucy and Eustace and some others were in a boat and Edmund asked Eustace, "So what was it like, when Aslan changed you back?" Eustace responded (and this is what gets me), "No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t do it myself. Then he came towards me. It sort of hurt – but it was a good pain, like when you pull a thorn from your foot.” I just can't get over this. How many times have we tried to change ourselves into who we think we're supposed to be instead of surrendering and letting God come towards us and transform us according to his incredible power and love??
It reminds me of the song "Sweetly Broken" by Jeremy Riddle, and the fact that being changed by God may not always be the most enjoyable thing, and we may feel pain, or feel like we're broken. But the reality is that He is bigger than any of that and He will always do what is best for us in the end. It is up to us to trust in Him and His plan. Eustace felt pain when Aslan came toward him, and he didn't understand what was happening because of his limited perspective. But then, when he opened his eyes again, he was transformed back into a boy and although it did involve some pain, it wasn't an altogether terrible pain, and in the end it brought about the desired result. If only we could trust God enough so that we could be willingly transformed into the image of His Son, and maybe with a little less pain.
Monday, November 29, 2010
mysteries
There are days when I feel like I mostly have things together...I am happy, healthy, well-adjusted, and am legitimately thankful for all the many blessings I have. Then there are other days. Days like today. When I feel like I don't understand anything and like it all could just fall apart at any moment. Don't get me wrong, I am still blessed, and I am still healthy, but I am just not myself. I am extremely stressed because it is the week before finals and professors decide it's a good idea to spring extra papers and projects on us at this time of the year in a nonchalant "oh by the way" kind of way. Sucks.
Needless to say, all the muscles in my back and neck and shoulders are sore and tense from all this stress, I didn't sleep much last night, and to top it all off, I am hit once again by the realization that boys are dumb. I love them to death, but sometimes they are clueless and just downright dumb. Senseless to say the least. Blind, too. Ah, well. Such is life.
More than anything I desire godliness with contentment, for it is great gain (1 Timothy 6:6). I want my life to revolve around one thing- God Almighty. I want him to be my focus, my inspiration, my motivation, my encouragement, my comfort, my strength, my lover, my friend, my father...my all. The truth is, he IS enough. I just have never really quite decided to rely fully on him. I know he's there, and I can fall back on him when I need to, but he is not my source all the time like he should be.
Life is a mystery. I have NO CLUE what God wants from me. Some days I think I am ready for marriage and to start a family of my own, but then there are some days where I'm not sure I want to get married at all. Maybe I should stay as I am so that I can serve God more efficiently, as Paul did. Maybe I should focus on my career and ministering to children, adolescents, parents, couples, and families in need. I have stopped praying for a billboard, for a clear sign regarding my future. I am trusting that when God is ready to reveal it to me, he will. And not a minute before or after that will this great mystery be unveiled.
And all that's left is to wait.
I'm waiting for tomorrow's light.
I'm waiting for answers.
I'm waiting for a break in the clouds.
I'm waiting for something. Anything.
Needless to say, all the muscles in my back and neck and shoulders are sore and tense from all this stress, I didn't sleep much last night, and to top it all off, I am hit once again by the realization that boys are dumb. I love them to death, but sometimes they are clueless and just downright dumb. Senseless to say the least. Blind, too. Ah, well. Such is life.
More than anything I desire godliness with contentment, for it is great gain (1 Timothy 6:6). I want my life to revolve around one thing- God Almighty. I want him to be my focus, my inspiration, my motivation, my encouragement, my comfort, my strength, my lover, my friend, my father...my all. The truth is, he IS enough. I just have never really quite decided to rely fully on him. I know he's there, and I can fall back on him when I need to, but he is not my source all the time like he should be.
Life is a mystery. I have NO CLUE what God wants from me. Some days I think I am ready for marriage and to start a family of my own, but then there are some days where I'm not sure I want to get married at all. Maybe I should stay as I am so that I can serve God more efficiently, as Paul did. Maybe I should focus on my career and ministering to children, adolescents, parents, couples, and families in need. I have stopped praying for a billboard, for a clear sign regarding my future. I am trusting that when God is ready to reveal it to me, he will. And not a minute before or after that will this great mystery be unveiled.
And all that's left is to wait.
I'm waiting for tomorrow's light.
I'm waiting for answers.
I'm waiting for a break in the clouds.
I'm waiting for something. Anything.
Monday, October 4, 2010
a "pick-me-up" for everyone
Every single time I am sad or frustrated, I simply watch this video and it makes everything okay because I can never stop laughing and I usually watch it more than once. This kid is my hero.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lm_n3hg-Gbg
you're welcome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lm_n3hg-Gbg
you're welcome.
Friday, September 24, 2010
seriously, don't let the bed bugs bite...
Well, here I am again, almost a month later.
and I'm 22 now. that's just weird. I feel old...
Sometimes I hear people make comments about people who have blogs and they say stuff like, "Do they really think that other people really want to know every single thing that happens in their life?! Like, seriously." Or, "Yeah, I'm glad you blogged about your goldfish dying...I was really wondering about that." Haha it sort of makes me laugh. But it's not like I'm one of those people who blogs every single day to tell all the people in the world that I cleaned by bathroom or that I went to class. Honestly, I don't know if anyone even reads what I write, but that's not why I do it anyways. Writing is an outlet for me, and I don't do it so I can tell everyone about my life...
however, the people who do use their blogs for that are FLIPPIN HILARIOUS! a friend and I were at work the other day and it was slow so we started researching bed bugs to get the facts. why, you say? oh, just since there's been a national outbreak of them. yeah, and not only that, but they've been reported in 3 of the 4 dorms at CN. sweet life. good thing I live in an apartment. really carson newman? really!?! I mean I guess technically it's not their fault, but still.
anyways, so we're researching bed bugs and what they look like and where you find them (and no, I don't mean the bed...like specifically!) and how to get rid of and prevent them. we run across this blog that this psycho girl in NY had written. it was literally like 13 pages long had it been printed out...complete with pictures and links to other websites confirming her facts. she used words like "traumatic" and "terrifying" and kept reassuring everyone that she wasn't exaggerating. if you say so honey. take a chill pill. regardless, it made me paranoid so I had to come back to my apartment and check my mattress and sheets and told all 3 of my roommates to do the same. Thankfully, we're all bed bug-free here. However, it does give a whole new meaning to the little phrase "Goodnight, don't let the bed bugs bite!" Like there's anything you could do to prevent it!!
On a more serious note....my life is literally being turned upside down at the moment. all the things that I thought I had all planned out for years are being rearranged and I'm starting to think there may be a different path for my life that I thought...and why should I be surprised that God's will is not mine? Why was I seriously under the impression that things were going to happen the way I always wanted them to? That's just not the way God works. He's a little more creative than me, and while he's writing my story I have to sit back, wait, and simply trust that I'll know what to do when I get to the crossroads. It's hard not to try to plan out my life for years to come, but I'm workin on it. The thought of going out on my own, finding an apartment, living by myself, going to grad school, becoming a therapist, and just going out in the real world and finding my own way (all things that used to scare me to death, especially if I had to do it alone)...it's all kind of growing on me. And I'm really excited to see what God has in store. Yes, it requires A TON of trust on my part, but the good thing is that my God is SO trustworthy! :)
and I'm 22 now. that's just weird. I feel old...
Sometimes I hear people make comments about people who have blogs and they say stuff like, "Do they really think that other people really want to know every single thing that happens in their life?! Like, seriously." Or, "Yeah, I'm glad you blogged about your goldfish dying...I was really wondering about that." Haha it sort of makes me laugh. But it's not like I'm one of those people who blogs every single day to tell all the people in the world that I cleaned by bathroom or that I went to class. Honestly, I don't know if anyone even reads what I write, but that's not why I do it anyways. Writing is an outlet for me, and I don't do it so I can tell everyone about my life...
however, the people who do use their blogs for that are FLIPPIN HILARIOUS! a friend and I were at work the other day and it was slow so we started researching bed bugs to get the facts. why, you say? oh, just since there's been a national outbreak of them. yeah, and not only that, but they've been reported in 3 of the 4 dorms at CN. sweet life. good thing I live in an apartment. really carson newman? really!?! I mean I guess technically it's not their fault, but still.
anyways, so we're researching bed bugs and what they look like and where you find them (and no, I don't mean the bed...like specifically!) and how to get rid of and prevent them. we run across this blog that this psycho girl in NY had written. it was literally like 13 pages long had it been printed out...complete with pictures and links to other websites confirming her facts. she used words like "traumatic" and "terrifying" and kept reassuring everyone that she wasn't exaggerating. if you say so honey. take a chill pill. regardless, it made me paranoid so I had to come back to my apartment and check my mattress and sheets and told all 3 of my roommates to do the same. Thankfully, we're all bed bug-free here. However, it does give a whole new meaning to the little phrase "Goodnight, don't let the bed bugs bite!" Like there's anything you could do to prevent it!!
On a more serious note....my life is literally being turned upside down at the moment. all the things that I thought I had all planned out for years are being rearranged and I'm starting to think there may be a different path for my life that I thought...and why should I be surprised that God's will is not mine? Why was I seriously under the impression that things were going to happen the way I always wanted them to? That's just not the way God works. He's a little more creative than me, and while he's writing my story I have to sit back, wait, and simply trust that I'll know what to do when I get to the crossroads. It's hard not to try to plan out my life for years to come, but I'm workin on it. The thought of going out on my own, finding an apartment, living by myself, going to grad school, becoming a therapist, and just going out in the real world and finding my own way (all things that used to scare me to death, especially if I had to do it alone)...it's all kind of growing on me. And I'm really excited to see what God has in store. Yes, it requires A TON of trust on my part, but the good thing is that my God is SO trustworthy! :)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
something more
this can't be it. this can't be all there is to it. I wake up each morning in hopes of seeing something new, of finding something no one else has ever found, of living a day that has never been lived before. But most of the time, I go to bed at the end of the evening and still have this yearning within my soul. There is this void that has yet to be filled by anything that I have sought to fill it.
It's funny because I know exactly what the cure is. I know exactly what it is that I need to do in order to stop feeling this way, to finally be able to rest and wake up relaxed--to put my mind at ease and to put an end to this seemingly endless search that I unknowingly embark upon every morning of this life as I know it. And that cure is Romance. but not just any romance. This Romance is one with my Savior, my best friend, my lover, and my Father. It always used to baffle me how one being could be so many things to someone and never contradict themselves. But He is. He is everything I need, every single day of my life. So why is it that I continue to fill this ever opening void with something other than the only thing that can satiate it? It makes absolutely no logical sense (and that is somewhat senile for someone like me, who always strives to do everything in the most logical, efficient way possible).
I know for a fact that God has provided us as humans with SO many resources here on earth- in the form of our friends, family members, significant others, HIS WORD, nature, and so many other countless things- yet so many people choose to spend their time mentally detached from this world watching TV, completely oblivious to the great scheme and plan that we are a part of. Our stories are being written and our lives are passing right before our eyes! The human race has created so many distractions from God that we don't even know what it is that we want anymore. We keep searching for something to fulfill us and make us happy but the truth is that if that "something" were something that we could create or think of ourselves, why in the heck would we need a SAVIOR!? why do I and so many others keep trying to do it on our own? Most days I just frustrate myself.
In a way it seems and sounds so simple, but as we all have heard, things are not always as they seem. I think many of us know the cure for this epidemic. We just don't know how to implement it. Our minds have been so poisoned by this world that we wouldn't know purity or things that are right, good, noble, trustworthy, and beneficial if they hit us between the eyes. We know all the right words but we don't know what they truly mean. I think we all know what we want our lives to look like (hence the "something more," we just don't know how to make it happen). So we all go on this journey searching for a way to give our lives meaning. To make ourselves feel like we can make a difference. To be different.
It's funny because I know exactly what the cure is. I know exactly what it is that I need to do in order to stop feeling this way, to finally be able to rest and wake up relaxed--to put my mind at ease and to put an end to this seemingly endless search that I unknowingly embark upon every morning of this life as I know it. And that cure is Romance. but not just any romance. This Romance is one with my Savior, my best friend, my lover, and my Father. It always used to baffle me how one being could be so many things to someone and never contradict themselves. But He is. He is everything I need, every single day of my life. So why is it that I continue to fill this ever opening void with something other than the only thing that can satiate it? It makes absolutely no logical sense (and that is somewhat senile for someone like me, who always strives to do everything in the most logical, efficient way possible).
I know for a fact that God has provided us as humans with SO many resources here on earth- in the form of our friends, family members, significant others, HIS WORD, nature, and so many other countless things- yet so many people choose to spend their time mentally detached from this world watching TV, completely oblivious to the great scheme and plan that we are a part of. Our stories are being written and our lives are passing right before our eyes! The human race has created so many distractions from God that we don't even know what it is that we want anymore. We keep searching for something to fulfill us and make us happy but the truth is that if that "something" were something that we could create or think of ourselves, why in the heck would we need a SAVIOR!? why do I and so many others keep trying to do it on our own? Most days I just frustrate myself.
In a way it seems and sounds so simple, but as we all have heard, things are not always as they seem. I think many of us know the cure for this epidemic. We just don't know how to implement it. Our minds have been so poisoned by this world that we wouldn't know purity or things that are right, good, noble, trustworthy, and beneficial if they hit us between the eyes. We know all the right words but we don't know what they truly mean. I think we all know what we want our lives to look like (hence the "something more," we just don't know how to make it happen). So we all go on this journey searching for a way to give our lives meaning. To make ourselves feel like we can make a difference. To be different.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
how He loves us
This has been a most refreshing day...somewhat difficult, but wonderful and grace-filled all the same.
Today, as I stood and worshipped my Savior in church, I was overwhelmed and brought to tears by the fact that HE had prepared that moment from the beginning of time. He knew that my heart would be hurting and that I would be confused and seeking His face that morning. He knew how broken and convicted I would feel, and he also knew that He would be right there to catch me and comfort me. He has known all along that HE is all I need, and that until I realize that and until HE and HE ALONE is my sole reason for living and my motivation in life, I will never be happy, no matter how many friends I have or how much anyone loves me.
All I know is that I have been convicted today more than I have been in a very, very long time. I am not living my life like I should-- spiritually (because I have not made him a priority and spent time in his word or in prayer like I should), mentally (because I worry and analyze and leave no room for the peace and comfort of the Holy Spirit in my life and am constantly trying to control things)...and I could go on. I'm not saying I'm a failure or anything like that, but God has just completely blindsided me by these truths today. I have lost count of the number of times I have confessed to being self-centered but yet I still fail to do anything about it. Every morning I wake up and I am still the same person- shallow, selfish, irritable, lacking joy, and looking in ALL the wrong places for my fulfillment. The sermon today was on giving off the aroma of Christ...and to make a long story short, I KNOW that I am not doing that.
I'm not really sure what else to say. My experience in church this morning was unlike any I have ever experienced, and there aren't adequate words to describe it.
I feel like I am such a mess all the time, but yet I am reminded of the song that talks about how he loves us:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way
My God is so good. I am not worthy.
Today, as I stood and worshipped my Savior in church, I was overwhelmed and brought to tears by the fact that HE had prepared that moment from the beginning of time. He knew that my heart would be hurting and that I would be confused and seeking His face that morning. He knew how broken and convicted I would feel, and he also knew that He would be right there to catch me and comfort me. He has known all along that HE is all I need, and that until I realize that and until HE and HE ALONE is my sole reason for living and my motivation in life, I will never be happy, no matter how many friends I have or how much anyone loves me.
All I know is that I have been convicted today more than I have been in a very, very long time. I am not living my life like I should-- spiritually (because I have not made him a priority and spent time in his word or in prayer like I should), mentally (because I worry and analyze and leave no room for the peace and comfort of the Holy Spirit in my life and am constantly trying to control things)...and I could go on. I'm not saying I'm a failure or anything like that, but God has just completely blindsided me by these truths today. I have lost count of the number of times I have confessed to being self-centered but yet I still fail to do anything about it. Every morning I wake up and I am still the same person- shallow, selfish, irritable, lacking joy, and looking in ALL the wrong places for my fulfillment. The sermon today was on giving off the aroma of Christ...and to make a long story short, I KNOW that I am not doing that.
I'm not really sure what else to say. My experience in church this morning was unlike any I have ever experienced, and there aren't adequate words to describe it.
I feel like I am such a mess all the time, but yet I am reminded of the song that talks about how he loves us:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way
My God is so good. I am not worthy.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
wishes
So, I'm not really sure where to start this time...I am so utterly confused. It's amazing to me how you can be so sure of something one day and then the next day have absolutely no idea. I am confused about a lot of things concerning the future, and I'm not at all sure what God wants from me. I desperately want to be in his will and do what he wants me to do, but days like this are discouraging because I'm not at all sure what that is. It seems that every night, when I lay down to go to sleep, and every morning, when I wake up and look at the ceiling, I have the same consuming thought and prayer...it seems to prevail in my thoughts and certainly in my prayers throughout the day. It's more of a hope really. A wish to say the least. And that wish is one for clarity. I find myself constantly wanting to know the future, to know what's gonna happen and at least a rough time frame in which it's going to happen. But most days that seems impossible. I know I'll never know what God wants for me until he shows me, and sometimes that frustrates me, but at the same time I know that his timing is best and I just have to wait for that day when he does grant me clarity. But the time in between is just agony.
Last night I watched The Pursuit of Happyness with a friend, and it really put a lot of things in my life into perspective. It made me realize that happiness is not just a place that you get to, but it is the journey that gets you there. And you can choose to either find happiness along the way and enjoy the little things of life, or you can choose to only look forward to certain things, and resolve not to be happy until you get them. Many days I find myself in the latter category, and I fail to see the simple things in life that make it so wonderful. I analyze, worry, and am always looking for the next best thing, when I should be pouring out my heart in gratefulness to my God who meets all my needs.
I may not know what God wants from me right now, but I can be content to know that He does have a plan for me and I will know what it is in His time. Until then, I just have to trust and stop worrying. That and learn how to be thankful for each and every blessing that I have been given.
Last night I watched The Pursuit of Happyness with a friend, and it really put a lot of things in my life into perspective. It made me realize that happiness is not just a place that you get to, but it is the journey that gets you there. And you can choose to either find happiness along the way and enjoy the little things of life, or you can choose to only look forward to certain things, and resolve not to be happy until you get them. Many days I find myself in the latter category, and I fail to see the simple things in life that make it so wonderful. I analyze, worry, and am always looking for the next best thing, when I should be pouring out my heart in gratefulness to my God who meets all my needs.
I may not know what God wants from me right now, but I can be content to know that He does have a plan for me and I will know what it is in His time. Until then, I just have to trust and stop worrying. That and learn how to be thankful for each and every blessing that I have been given.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
life as I know it..
Well, it's been over 2 months. I would love to say it's because I've been so busy that I haven't had time to blog, but the nasty, nasty truth is that I actually have had plenty of time, it's just that we don't have internet at my house. yeah. you heard/read right. it's 2010 and we don't have internet at our house. I spend more time than is humanly normal trying to hack into the neighbor's internet (and when I say neighbor I mean the rental cabin next door--hey, we live in the resort so we should get access to the internet too, right!?) but usually with no success. If I do get connected, I have to refresh each page like 7 times and by then I'm ready to give up. I have internet on my phone, but I would go blind staring at that small screen all the time...especially if I tried to type my usual novel that I do when I blog....so here I am, 2 months later.
Sitting at Jake's house, waiting on him to get home from work. I saw him off to work this morning (at freakin' 6:45 am), slept some more then met him for lunch, and now I'm here, blogging between doing loads of his laundry from his trip to WY. I feel like such a housewife....and I'm not gonna lie, I actually love it. I am so ready for that stage in my life-- to just be at home, work part time, take care of the house, cook, clean and do laundry. I see my friends and family members getting married and it's all so bittersweet for me, because I want it to be me. I feel like I am so ready for that, but Jake and I just have to wait on God's timing. I don't think I could ever, EVER find someone who loves me like he does. He treats me absolutely perfect and is always thinking about what will make me happy. I get annoyed with mysef because I want to learn how to be as unselfish as him, but yet sometimes I still find myself being selfish and trying to rush God's timing.
Trust has always been a hard lesson for me. I know that God has a plan for my future, and I guess it's not so much trusting that he has one, but trusting that his timing is better than mine. I think we all think sometimes that the way we have things planned is better than the way God does them, because many times, God's timing makes us wait longer than we would ever want to--building trust in the meantime. It amazes me how God works things out so perfectly though. He always has, and I know he'll work this out too. I don't know why I still worry about or question anything concerning my future. He's got it.
Oh, and how could I forget?!!?! I have a new baby nephew and he is the most precious thing ever! He was born on June 15th, around 2 am. He is absolutely adorable, and I love watching Savannah with him--she treats him like her little baby doll! So cute. The miracle of life never ceases to amaze me, and I am so thankful to have been a part of his and Savannah's births!
Sitting at Jake's house, waiting on him to get home from work. I saw him off to work this morning (at freakin' 6:45 am), slept some more then met him for lunch, and now I'm here, blogging between doing loads of his laundry from his trip to WY. I feel like such a housewife....and I'm not gonna lie, I actually love it. I am so ready for that stage in my life-- to just be at home, work part time, take care of the house, cook, clean and do laundry. I see my friends and family members getting married and it's all so bittersweet for me, because I want it to be me. I feel like I am so ready for that, but Jake and I just have to wait on God's timing. I don't think I could ever, EVER find someone who loves me like he does. He treats me absolutely perfect and is always thinking about what will make me happy. I get annoyed with mysef because I want to learn how to be as unselfish as him, but yet sometimes I still find myself being selfish and trying to rush God's timing.
Trust has always been a hard lesson for me. I know that God has a plan for my future, and I guess it's not so much trusting that he has one, but trusting that his timing is better than mine. I think we all think sometimes that the way we have things planned is better than the way God does them, because many times, God's timing makes us wait longer than we would ever want to--building trust in the meantime. It amazes me how God works things out so perfectly though. He always has, and I know he'll work this out too. I don't know why I still worry about or question anything concerning my future. He's got it.
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| only the best summer staff team EVER! :) |
This thought just occurred to me: this blog is probably going to be quite lengthy, seeing as how A TON has happened since May. First of all, my summer job has both begun and ended, bringing with it many lessons and trials and fun times. I worked at a Christian camp/conference/retreat center in Pigeon Forge. I did so many different things...from office work, cleaning chalets, rafting, manual labor, building a low ropes challenge course, laundry, to filming and taking pictures of campers, that I don't even think I could cover it all if I tried. Bottom line, God taught me so much about life, working in the ministry, myself, my attitude, and so many other things. It was not always a wonderful experience because the summer staff wasn't always treated fairly, but who says life is fair? no one. But through it all, God has grown me and pulled me closer to him, and I made some great friends in the process, and I am so thankful for all of those things!
Oh, and how could I forget?!!?! I have a new baby nephew and he is the most precious thing ever! He was born on June 15th, around 2 am. He is absolutely adorable, and I love watching Savannah with him--she treats him like her little baby doll! So cute. The miracle of life never ceases to amaze me, and I am so thankful to have been a part of his and Savannah's births! So, if everyone didn't already know this about me, I absolutely LOVE sunsets. They might be one of my most favorite things ever. And this summer has brought so many beautful sunsets that people probably get tired of seeing the pictures. I guess one of my favorite things about them is that no two sunsets are ever the same....sort of like the way God created each and every one of us. It blows my mind the amount of creativity it takes to imagine and create something like that, but I'm so glad he does it every single night! And most of the time, I find myself planning activities around being somewhere that I can see the sun set. Just one of the many things I have come to appreciate so much more this summer. So here are a few of my pictures:
May God's glory be proclaimed throughout all the earth!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Lessons Learned
You learn as life goes by
Just how fragile it is
There's no stopping time
Or changing the past
There's only making the present
Exactly what you want it to be.
People will come and go in your life
Each one adding something valuable
You can place in your jar of knowledge.
No one is exactly who you want them to be
Nor should you try to make them.
Until you really love yourself,
You'll never be able to love another.
Relationships don't complete you
Or even show you who you are-
You must find that on your own.
Relationships merely complement you;
Add to your life.
They, although important, are not your reason for existence
The moment you begin to rely on someone else to complete you,
Or to help you reach your full potential-
It's called dependence.
And you've lost your sense of self.
And only when you are independent can you have a happy, healthy relationship with another...
Just another lesson you learn as life goes by.
Be who you are.
Be happy.
And don't rely on anyone other than the only One who is reliable.
♥
Just how fragile it is
There's no stopping time
Or changing the past
There's only making the present
Exactly what you want it to be.
People will come and go in your life
Each one adding something valuable
You can place in your jar of knowledge.
No one is exactly who you want them to be
Nor should you try to make them.
Until you really love yourself,
You'll never be able to love another.
Relationships don't complete you
Or even show you who you are-
You must find that on your own.
Relationships merely complement you;
Add to your life.
They, although important, are not your reason for existence
The moment you begin to rely on someone else to complete you,
Or to help you reach your full potential-
It's called dependence.
And you've lost your sense of self.
And only when you are independent can you have a happy, healthy relationship with another...
Just another lesson you learn as life goes by.
Be who you are.
Be happy.
And don't rely on anyone other than the only One who is reliable.
♥
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
painfully aware
You know how there's that one thing that you seem to struggle with all the time? That lesson that God has been trying to teach you for years but you just can't seem to get it? Yeah, well mine is trust. I'm not sure why I have such a hard time with it, but it gets me everytime. I feel like I learn and relearn this lesson over and over but yet I can never seem to get to that place where trust is my first reaction to a situation and I don't at least freak out a little bit. ah well, I guess that's the life of a flawed human being.
Anyways, I was talking to God this morning, and reading in his word, and I had a series of thoughts just hit me. Last night I allowed myself to get frustrated with some things that really don't deserve any frustration, much less many thoughts. I am such a control freak that I get anxious or worried really easily when I think about my future and how everything is not really nailed down yet. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that God completely blew my mind!
It seems that every single time I spend time with the Lord, I always end up being painfully aware of all my flaws and shortcomings, but then ALWAYS delightfully aware of His unending grace and unfathomable understanding. I get so frustrated with myself because I want to control things so bad, I think that my timing is best and that I know what is best for me, when in reality, only HE is in control, HIS timing is always best, and only HE can see my future and therefore HE knows what is best for me. And if something is supposed to happen, it will happen in God's timing, not mine. Why do I find it so hard to just trust Him? Has he not proven himself faithful and trustworthy over and over? Has He ever given me a reason not to trust Him? He has never let me down. So why this constant battle--me trying to run my life and being held captive by the lie that I can control things? It gets me absolutely nowhere and I just need to stop fighting his reign in my life.
After all, that is what I have wanted all along anyways. Him being in complete and utter control.
Looking at the Word of God is like a mirror. or at least it should be. when you look at it, you see yourself for the flawed, needy, helpless human being that you are, but you see reflected in His promises love, hope, and grace to cover all your needs.
Anyways, I was talking to God this morning, and reading in his word, and I had a series of thoughts just hit me. Last night I allowed myself to get frustrated with some things that really don't deserve any frustration, much less many thoughts. I am such a control freak that I get anxious or worried really easily when I think about my future and how everything is not really nailed down yet. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that God completely blew my mind!
It seems that every single time I spend time with the Lord, I always end up being painfully aware of all my flaws and shortcomings, but then ALWAYS delightfully aware of His unending grace and unfathomable understanding. I get so frustrated with myself because I want to control things so bad, I think that my timing is best and that I know what is best for me, when in reality, only HE is in control, HIS timing is always best, and only HE can see my future and therefore HE knows what is best for me. And if something is supposed to happen, it will happen in God's timing, not mine. Why do I find it so hard to just trust Him? Has he not proven himself faithful and trustworthy over and over? Has He ever given me a reason not to trust Him? He has never let me down. So why this constant battle--me trying to run my life and being held captive by the lie that I can control things? It gets me absolutely nowhere and I just need to stop fighting his reign in my life.
After all, that is what I have wanted all along anyways. Him being in complete and utter control.
Looking at the Word of God is like a mirror. or at least it should be. when you look at it, you see yourself for the flawed, needy, helpless human being that you are, but you see reflected in His promises love, hope, and grace to cover all your needs.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I See God
In the short quiet moments reading a book in a bookstore sipping coffee while the rain pours down outside
In the graciousness and patience of the ones in my life whom I hold dear,
In the beauty of a sunrise on the beach--
That is where I see God.
I see him in the face of my beautiful niece, and in the innocent faces of little children everywhere.
I hear him in the loving words and see him in the loving glances that pass between my grandparents.
It baffles me to think that out of all the billions of people in the world, He sees me. And not only does he see me, but He cares about me, loves me, and is concerned with the state of my heart and soul. He loves me with a passionate, unrestrained, unchecked, crazy love that puts all other forms of love to shame.
He is everything to everyone.
He is a father and husband to the abandoned mother and child; He is in passionate pursuit of the discouraged lover. He is a friend to those that are alone, a Healer to the sick, and rest for the weary. He meets every person in their moment of need, fully knowing and fully giving them all that they lack.
Of course, God is the one who puts it all into motion, and keeps it that way. He is the one who guides the moon that controls the high and low tides; it is His breath that I feel upon my face as I drive with my windows down, letting the wind sweep through my car and rearrange my thoughts. I guess I don't have to understand it all. That is the beauty of it all. He made it, and He understands it. His ways are so far above my own, that I should simply rest in the assurance that He is in control. Put all wishful thinking and dreams of understanding things fully behind, and move forward, only hoping to see God.
In the first blossom of springtime after a long, cold, snowy winter
In the eyes of one who loves you unconditionally, no matter what you do
In the warm embrace of a loved one you have been separated from for a long while
In an elderly couple holding hands as they walk, even after being together for more than 60 years
In the softness of the rain on your face on a summer afternoon
In the aroma of a field full of daisies, begging you to come and make your bed among them.
In the warmth of the rays of sun on my skin
In the softness of a pillow after a long dayIn the graciousness and patience of the ones in my life whom I hold dear,
In the beauty of a sunrise on the beach--
That is where I see God.
I see him in the face of my beautiful niece, and in the innocent faces of little children everywhere.
I hear him in the loving words and see him in the loving glances that pass between my grandparents.
It baffles me to think that out of all the billions of people in the world, He sees me. And not only does he see me, but He cares about me, loves me, and is concerned with the state of my heart and soul. He loves me with a passionate, unrestrained, unchecked, crazy love that puts all other forms of love to shame.
He is everything to everyone.
He is a father and husband to the abandoned mother and child; He is in passionate pursuit of the discouraged lover. He is a friend to those that are alone, a Healer to the sick, and rest for the weary. He meets every person in their moment of need, fully knowing and fully giving them all that they lack.
As I watched the sunrise this morning, sitting on my towel on the beach, the coolness of the sand seeping into my skin, I felt as if my eyes had been opened for the very first time. As I saw the sun rising above the scattered clouds, casting its glow onto the ocean and sand before me, and the waves crashing in front of it, I tried my best to take it all in--to take a mental snapshot. I do not have a photographic memory, but it is in times like these when I long for such. The glory of it all was too much for one person to behold.
It was as if the perpetual motion of the waves and rising of the sun, neither able to be slowed or stopped, propelled my thoughts into motion as well. I found myself wandering, as I sat there, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face and trying my best to partake in the beauty around me, how everything stayed in motion so perfectly. The rising and setting of the sun, the waves, the tide, and the mystery of the wind. Thoughts of wishful understanding filled my mind as I thought about and reflected on the roundness of the earth, gravity, and how we all seem to be standing erect, even when we are standing on a globe, feet glued to the surface by and invisible, immeasurable force.
Of course, God is the one who puts it all into motion, and keeps it that way. He is the one who guides the moon that controls the high and low tides; it is His breath that I feel upon my face as I drive with my windows down, letting the wind sweep through my car and rearrange my thoughts. I guess I don't have to understand it all. That is the beauty of it all. He made it, and He understands it. His ways are so far above my own, that I should simply rest in the assurance that He is in control. Put all wishful thinking and dreams of understanding things fully behind, and move forward, only hoping to see God. In the eyes of one who loves you unconditionally, no matter what you do
In the warm embrace of a loved one you have been separated from for a long while
In an elderly couple holding hands as they walk, even after being together for more than 60 years
In the softness of the rain on your face on a summer afternoon
In the aroma of a field full of daisies, begging you to come and make your bed among them.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
flaws
Humans are so flawed. We disappoint each other, break promisees, tell lies and purposefully deceive one another. I'm not sure how we even stand to live with one another. We are selfish, prideful and stupid, and we fail to see how we hurt others with something as simple as a look, a word, or a thought. Truthfully, we are terrible towards each other. It's a good thing we have a God who is the complete opposite of us. He never disappoints, he never fails, he never lies or deceives us. He always keeps his promises and will never do anything to hurt us. In fact, on the contrary, he does everything he can in order to protect us from the world and all its evils. And, amazingly enough, he keeps his promises out of his own will. He makes promises to us because he wants to and because he loves us. And then on top of that, he promises us that if we put our hope in him, we will never be disappointed. That truth is amazing to me. Why then, do we still think, time after time, that a human can fulfill us and never let us down? We are all human and we all let each other down every now and then. If we put pressure on other humans to never fail us, we are already setting ourselves up for disappointment. If we would just put our hope and faith in God alone, then we would have an eternal hope and joy that cannot be snuffed out, regardless of circumstances. To have the outlook that all is well, even though humans fail us, disappoint us, and fail to keep their promises-- that is a real blessing. To have enough perspective to see the big picture even when things go wrong...that is when you learn to be truly happy, and find your joy in the amazing faithfulness of our Savior.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Thou Shalt Not Steal
ok so here's what I'm thinking...I have had an ipod since I was like a junior in high school, so roughly 4 years now. Not the same ipod, (I've had 2 different ones), but still. I know that not everyone is fortunate to have one, but if you attend college, I'm pretty sure you have the funds (or your parents do) to own an ipod. So, WHY DO YOU NEED MINE? I'll never understand people who steal things. Like, everytime you look at it, doesn't it just remind you of the person you took it from and don't you wonder if they were upset or wanted it back? Do you really just not care about anyone but yourself? And most likely, since our campus is so small, I'm probably gonna see you at some point, even though I won't know of your horrible deed. But you will. How can you even live with yourself?
I am just frustrated. I use my ipod for so many things, and I'm about to take a 12 hour drive to the beach. without it. Also, there was a Nike chip plugged in it that works with a sensor in my shoe that I use when I run to see how far I've run, my time, and how many calories I've burned. So needless to say, it's a pretty important item in my life. Finders are NOT keepers, and didn't everyone learn when they were a kid that stealing is wrong? I thought so. But I guess not. Ugh I just want it baaaaccckkk. Either that or the funds to buy a new one. But I definitely do not. Not even close. Saturday, February 27, 2010
P.S. I Love You
So, I just finished watching the movie P.S. I Love You, and all I can say is wow. Yes, I know I'm a little late, and the movie has been out for a while, but hey, better late than never, right? And yes, of course I cried and was emotional with my best friend on the couch in my room...but I also gained some pretty amazing perspective. At the beginning of the movie, the couple is fighting about something really ridiculous, and you wonder why don't they just drop it? But, as I kept watching, I was reminded of my own wonderful relationship. Even though there are days when we are like that, and argue over the dumbest things imaginable, we still love each other more than words can say. We don't build walls, we don't hold back. We may get frustrated with each other every once in a while, but we have an amazing way of talking things out and understanding each other. I know that sounds cliche, but our relationship is anything but cliche or ordinary. Actually, it's quite extraordinary.
I am just inspired! I want to go find Jake and give him a huge hug and tell him how much I love him. But, then again, I'm pretty sure he already knows. Or at least I hope so :) I do know that no one could ever love him as much as I do. Okayyyy....enough with the mushy stuff. Back to the real world and the fact that it is Friday night and I am alone in my dorm room....blogging. aannd, I have no plans for this weekend. How sad is it that when I don't get to see him for a weekend I am completely planless? I should probably do something about that....
Anyways, back to the movie....it just really made me realize how short life is. They weren't even married that long and they thought they had forever, and then it was cut short, and by something as malicious as a brain tumor. It makes me want to live my life and work on my relationships and not hold anything back, ever. You never know how long you have to live, or how long you have to love someone, so take advantage of it. Don't let a day pass by when those you love don't know it or have to wonder. You never know when a moment you have with someone may be your last. I'm not trying to be depressing, but actually the opposite. Live life! Enjoy it! Take it all in! Don't waste your time being upset about things that really don't matter. You will regret it if you do. And don't spend your time wishing away the present so you can make it to something more exciting in the future. If you can't savor the things in your life now, then when those exciting things actually do come, you won't be able to truly enjoy it because you will be so used to looking forward to something better. Learn to take joy in the ordinary things of life.
Friday, February 19, 2010
i dare you
I dare you to hold my hand even when you don’t want to; just because you know I like it.
I dare you to rub my back when I don’t ask you to, just because you can’t keep your hands off me.
I dare you to take me stargazing and hold me in your arms until it gets light outside.
I dare you to tell your friends you can’t go out tonight because you want to see me.
I dare you to miss me.
I dare you to take me out on a date and not think about how much money you spend.
I dare you to buy me a little black dress and take me dancing even though you don’t know how.
I dare you to look into my eyes and tell me that I look beautiful, even when I don’t, and especially when I
don’t feel like I do.
I dare you to take me on a day trip to the beach, because you know I love it so much.
I dare you to pray for me for me more than you pray for yourself.
I dare you to tell me whenever you think about me throughout the day.
I dare you to be serious in a moment that demands it, instead of always trying to lighten the mood.
I dare you to take crazy-faced pictures with me.
I dare you to buy me flowers for absolutely no reason.
I dare you to show me affection in public because you know it makes me feel special.
I dare you to kiss me with all your heart every single time.
I dare you to listen intently to my pointless stories and not let your mind wander.
I dare you to ask me if I want to talk just because we haven’t done so in a while.
I dare you to not have any regrets.
I dare you to not be afraid to think about the future and what you really want.
I dare you to tell me everything you are thinking when I ask you.
I dare you to ask God how to be the man you need to be.
I dare you to do whatever it takes to make me feel like a princess every single day, even when you are tired or don’t feel like it.
I dare you to pray with me and mean it with all your heart because you want to make this work.
I dare you to fight for me. To fight for us.
I dare you to not hold anything back. Ever.
I dare you to love me.
I promise that, if you do this, you will see that a woman is like a rose- if she doesn’t get the attention she needs, she will wilt, but if you give her love, care, and attention, she will bloom more beautifully than you could ever imagine and will love you all the more.
But love is a two-way bond.
I promise I will do my share.
I promise that you will get everything you need in return.
I promise that you will be respected.
I promise that I will pray for you more than I pray for myself.
I promise that I will help you be the man God wants you to be.
I promise that I will listen intently to you.
I promise that I will let you have plenty of male- bonding time, because I know it’s important.
I promise that I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.
I promise that I will put your desires before my own.
I promise that I will love you more than you could ever imagine.
I promise that you will never have to go looking anywhere else for affection.
I promise that I won’t scare you too much with my talk of the future.
I promise that I will pray with you with all my heart.
I promise that I will fight for you. Fight for us.
I promise that I will never hold anything back. Ever.
I promise that you will not regret it.
I dare you to rub my back when I don’t ask you to, just because you can’t keep your hands off me.
I dare you to take me stargazing and hold me in your arms until it gets light outside.
I dare you to tell your friends you can’t go out tonight because you want to see me.
I dare you to miss me.
I dare you to take me out on a date and not think about how much money you spend.
I dare you to buy me a little black dress and take me dancing even though you don’t know how.
I dare you to look into my eyes and tell me that I look beautiful, even when I don’t, and especially when I
don’t feel like I do.
I dare you to take me on a day trip to the beach, because you know I love it so much.
I dare you to pray for me for me more than you pray for yourself.
I dare you to tell me whenever you think about me throughout the day.
I dare you to be serious in a moment that demands it, instead of always trying to lighten the mood.
I dare you to take crazy-faced pictures with me.
I dare you to buy me flowers for absolutely no reason.
I dare you to show me affection in public because you know it makes me feel special.
I dare you to kiss me with all your heart every single time.
I dare you to listen intently to my pointless stories and not let your mind wander.
I dare you to ask me if I want to talk just because we haven’t done so in a while.
I dare you to not have any regrets.
I dare you to not be afraid to think about the future and what you really want.
I dare you to tell me everything you are thinking when I ask you.
I dare you to ask God how to be the man you need to be.
I dare you to do whatever it takes to make me feel like a princess every single day, even when you are tired or don’t feel like it.
I dare you to pray with me and mean it with all your heart because you want to make this work.
I dare you to fight for me. To fight for us.
I dare you to not hold anything back. Ever.
I dare you to love me.
I promise that, if you do this, you will see that a woman is like a rose- if she doesn’t get the attention she needs, she will wilt, but if you give her love, care, and attention, she will bloom more beautifully than you could ever imagine and will love you all the more.
But love is a two-way bond.
I promise I will do my share.
I promise that you will get everything you need in return.
I promise that you will be respected.
I promise that I will pray for you more than I pray for myself.
I promise that I will help you be the man God wants you to be.
I promise that I will listen intently to you.
I promise that I will let you have plenty of male- bonding time, because I know it’s important.
I promise that I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.
I promise that I will put your desires before my own.
I promise that I will love you more than you could ever imagine.
I promise that you will never have to go looking anywhere else for affection.
I promise that I won’t scare you too much with my talk of the future.
I promise that I will pray with you with all my heart.
I promise that I will fight for you. Fight for us.
I promise that I will never hold anything back. Ever.
I promise that you will not regret it.
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