I hope in advance that this entry doesn't depress anyone or even sound depressing. It's just my feelings today. Not who I always am, just me. Just today.
I am tired. Tired of a lot of different things, but mainly just tired. I am tired of waking up and not feeling rested, tired of not making time to do the things I know I should do. I am tired of wondering who my friends are and who (if anyone) I'll keep in touch with once I graduate in a few months. I am tired of worrying (or even thinking) about the future. I am tired of not knowing what it holds or where I'm going to be living in 4 months. I am tired of not knowing stuff. I feel so lost sometimes and that I'm just going through the motions of everyday life, trying to make sure no one sees how much I am absolutely going insane on the inside. There are days when I feel like I have no one to talk to other than God- no one who has the time or concern. I feel like I get lost in the sea of faces and don't have anything unique to offer. I know these are all lies that are not true, but sometimes there is still a part of me that wonders if I'll ever feel at home. If I'll ever feel like I belong somewhere.
Maybe the best word to describe it is restlessness. Yeah, that mixed with an insane amount of loneliness. I'm sure that anyone who knows me at all would say that I have it all together, my life is great, my future is bright, I don't have any problems, and that I am basically living the dream. But they don't know the real me. Not many people do. It's not like I'm this crazy person who is secretly depressed and has no friends and her whole life is fake...I actually think I'm pretty much normal. I think we all have a side of ourselves that we don't necessarily want others to see. The side that cries in the middle of the afternoon because of nothing. The side that is truly scared to death that I'll be alone in a few months at grad school, with nothing but my career to look forward to. The side that wonders if any of my friends truly care about me or if they just play along because they don't want to hurt me. And the side that wonders if all of this has any point.
Now don't get me wrong, I believe that God is sovereign and that he can use me in whatever situation I am in because I am there for a reason...but there are just those days when I feel so incredibly out of place that I don't even want to face anyone for fear of them seeing right through me. All I want is someone to see me for who I am- the scared, vulnerable, confused, insecure girl that I am and be okay with it. There are so many expectations placed on me and I feel like if I show any weakness or any lapse in perfection no one will understand. I have played this role so long, worn this mask for so many years...I'm not even sure how to separate my real self from it anymore.
I just wanna find my way back.
I can see it ahead. My God is stronger. I am weak, but his strength in me is enough. I want to leave it all behind and start over.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
what are you waiting for?
...just some groundbreaking life lessons from my time with the Lord this evening:
Lately, as I blogged a few days ago, God has been revealing to me the lies I have been believing and that are thus controlling my life. Today I started a new Bible study that my sister got me for Christmas that is based on the life and book of Ruth. The first day talked about Naomi's family's trip to the land of the Moabites from the land of Israel--from the land of the covenant to a land that God had forbidden contact with. There was a famine in their land and they took the easy way out to a more fertile and seemingly promising land. The challenge was to learn to accept the place in your life that you are at (whether it's in a place of trial or prosperity) and stop trying to take the easy way out. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." If we are constantly striving for more and deceiving ourselves into thinking that we deserve more or that we can't be happy until we graduate, until we find a boyfriend, until we find a job, until we are engaged (that one hits home), until we get through this semester, or whatever that something that you're looking forward to is, then we are not taking full advantage of all the things God has blessed us with NOW!
We have to learn to take God at his word and realize that he has us where we are for a reason and that he is sovereign in all things. He will use our situation for his glory if we let him, but that requires us to set aside the things we want or think we deserve. As I was praying after I finished the study, my eyes shot wide open as God whispered a painful and devastating truth to my heart. "Hannah, you have to stop believing that you can only be complete and truly happy until you are married. You need to learn to take advantage of your single life, because I have great things in store for you. You have every reason to be happy now and to enjoy life and be my vessel."
I was dumbfounded. Girls around me are literally getting engaged by the dozens, and I feel so incredibly left out. I am more than ready for that stage in my life (or at least I think I am), but that doesn't mean that I should discount all the wonderful things I have going on now.
If we are constantly living our lives unsatisfied and anticipating something greater (other than heaven), we will miss out on all the great things that are already before us. The truth is that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I have an amazing family that loves me, I have wonderful and fun friends, I have a God who gave his life for me and wants to use me to reach others for him- now, where I am at this point in my life, and I have an incredible, loving boyfriend who loves me more than I could ever ask or deserve. Me previously believing this lie that I'll never be happy until I'm married has had an extremely negative effect on our relationship because I have been interpreting everything in the light of future marriage. It has prevented me from living in the moment, from enjoying this day, this date, this conversation, this distance, this growth. I am constantly looking and waiting for something better, for something more, and it has caused me to miss out on so many good things.
And I am done with it. I don't want to let another day go by that I miss out on things or take things for granted. I want to take advantage of every opportunity and realize how truly blessed I am and always see the many reasons I have to be happy. Right now.
♥
Lately, as I blogged a few days ago, God has been revealing to me the lies I have been believing and that are thus controlling my life. Today I started a new Bible study that my sister got me for Christmas that is based on the life and book of Ruth. The first day talked about Naomi's family's trip to the land of the Moabites from the land of Israel--from the land of the covenant to a land that God had forbidden contact with. There was a famine in their land and they took the easy way out to a more fertile and seemingly promising land. The challenge was to learn to accept the place in your life that you are at (whether it's in a place of trial or prosperity) and stop trying to take the easy way out. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." If we are constantly striving for more and deceiving ourselves into thinking that we deserve more or that we can't be happy until we graduate, until we find a boyfriend, until we find a job, until we are engaged (that one hits home), until we get through this semester, or whatever that something that you're looking forward to is, then we are not taking full advantage of all the things God has blessed us with NOW!
We have to learn to take God at his word and realize that he has us where we are for a reason and that he is sovereign in all things. He will use our situation for his glory if we let him, but that requires us to set aside the things we want or think we deserve. As I was praying after I finished the study, my eyes shot wide open as God whispered a painful and devastating truth to my heart. "Hannah, you have to stop believing that you can only be complete and truly happy until you are married. You need to learn to take advantage of your single life, because I have great things in store for you. You have every reason to be happy now and to enjoy life and be my vessel."
I was dumbfounded. Girls around me are literally getting engaged by the dozens, and I feel so incredibly left out. I am more than ready for that stage in my life (or at least I think I am), but that doesn't mean that I should discount all the wonderful things I have going on now.
If we are constantly living our lives unsatisfied and anticipating something greater (other than heaven), we will miss out on all the great things that are already before us. The truth is that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I have an amazing family that loves me, I have wonderful and fun friends, I have a God who gave his life for me and wants to use me to reach others for him- now, where I am at this point in my life, and I have an incredible, loving boyfriend who loves me more than I could ever ask or deserve. Me previously believing this lie that I'll never be happy until I'm married has had an extremely negative effect on our relationship because I have been interpreting everything in the light of future marriage. It has prevented me from living in the moment, from enjoying this day, this date, this conversation, this distance, this growth. I am constantly looking and waiting for something better, for something more, and it has caused me to miss out on so many good things.
And I am done with it. I don't want to let another day go by that I miss out on things or take things for granted. I want to take advantage of every opportunity and realize how truly blessed I am and always see the many reasons I have to be happy. Right now.
♥
a penny for your thoughts...
A few thoughts for today:
1. I am tired of snow, and I am officially ready for spring, warm weather, a tan, and SB '11 with my girls!
2. The mexican restaurant in town should give my roommates and I frequent diner cards so we can get meals free (which is always better than $4).
3. I like it when God is teaching me and changing me...it might be painful and difficult, but it is more than worth it in the end.
4. Girl talk is always better than girl-boy talk, unless he's gay. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but sometimes you just need someone who thinks the same way you do.
5. Always invest time in your friendships...you won't always be single and living with them in an apartment.
6. I need to be more motivated to work out, but this cold weather does not help anything.
7. Never take anything for granted.
8. The thought of walking to class in the snow/29 degree weather does not sound appealing. I would rather just stay in my warm apartment and watch Friends all day.
9. Someone should invent some contacts that don't dry out. Like for real.
10. Be thankful for the little things, and don't let a day go by without telling those you love how much you care about them.
1. I am tired of snow, and I am officially ready for spring, warm weather, a tan, and SB '11 with my girls!
2. The mexican restaurant in town should give my roommates and I frequent diner cards so we can get meals free (which is always better than $4).
3. I like it when God is teaching me and changing me...it might be painful and difficult, but it is more than worth it in the end.
4. Girl talk is always better than girl-boy talk, unless he's gay. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but sometimes you just need someone who thinks the same way you do.
5. Always invest time in your friendships...you won't always be single and living with them in an apartment.
6. I need to be more motivated to work out, but this cold weather does not help anything.
7. Never take anything for granted.
8. The thought of walking to class in the snow/29 degree weather does not sound appealing. I would rather just stay in my warm apartment and watch Friends all day.
9. Someone should invent some contacts that don't dry out. Like for real.
10. Be thankful for the little things, and don't let a day go by without telling those you love how much you care about them.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Life is not a Lottery
Christmas break has brought TONS of life lessons for me, and I am truly inspired and ready to start living my life differently. This is not a New Year's resolution thing...this is a life-changing message from God that will alter the entire path of my life if I let it. Lately in my devotions, I have been reading through this book that talks about gaining control over our minds and allowing them to be transformed by "letting the Word of Christ dwell in [us] richly" and God has really opened my eyes. I read that it takes only 6 weeks of thinking a wrong thought to develop a habit, and that our lives and actions eventually reveal what we have chosen to think about and what we believe. When we allow negative thoughts in our lives and we begin to believe the lies that Satan so easily plants in our minds, they become destructive thought patterns that can dictate how we feel and what we do. The truth is that God does not give you negative thoughts about yourself, others, himself, or your circumstances. And whatever does not come from God is from Satan. As I was reading all of this, I began to pray that God would reveal any lies I'm believing or any negative thought patterns in my life that are affecting it for the worse...and boy was I amazed. Tons of lies starting pouring into my head-- lies about myself, my boyfriend and our relationship, lies about God, lies about my family and friends...and each and every one of them was altering the way I was thinking about myself or those relationships. And because I was believing all of those lies, each time something happened (like a negative event or a comment to hurt my feelings) I would interpret it in the light of that lie (like "they don't really care about me anyways," or, "I must not be worth their time.") You can see how completely destructive these ways of thinking are in my life and anyone else's who believes anything similar.
They (whoever "they" is) say that recognizing the problem is the first step. I know it is a big step, and I am so glad that God has revealed these things to me, but I am also overwhelmed at how I am going to fight these lies that seem to almost control my entire thought life. As I continued reading, I was struck by how simple (yet not easy) the solution is. My initial reaction would be to be ultra cautious of my thoughts and everytime I realized I was thinking or believing a lie, to simply refute it and say it wasn't true. That sounds like a TON of work. But, surprisingly enough, (hopefully you can hear the sarcasm), my way is not the best way. The only way to get out of this pattern and stop this cycle of lies is to fill your heart and mind with the truth that is in the Word of God. "Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly!" Fill your mind with truths about yourself, others, God, and your circumstances. Choose truth. Do not let your mind be taken captive by the lies of the evil one. Cling to your position in Christ and the value He places on you. Spend enough time in the Word and memorize verses that spell out God's promises and your security in Him that any time a lie does come into view, you will be able to laugh and say, "Good try, Satan, but my Father already told me who I am and how much He loves me, and He's a heck of a lot more trustworthy than you!"
Life is not a lottery; the odds are all in our favor. All we have to do is believe the truth and be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
They (whoever "they" is) say that recognizing the problem is the first step. I know it is a big step, and I am so glad that God has revealed these things to me, but I am also overwhelmed at how I am going to fight these lies that seem to almost control my entire thought life. As I continued reading, I was struck by how simple (yet not easy) the solution is. My initial reaction would be to be ultra cautious of my thoughts and everytime I realized I was thinking or believing a lie, to simply refute it and say it wasn't true. That sounds like a TON of work. But, surprisingly enough, (hopefully you can hear the sarcasm), my way is not the best way. The only way to get out of this pattern and stop this cycle of lies is to fill your heart and mind with the truth that is in the Word of God. "Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly!" Fill your mind with truths about yourself, others, God, and your circumstances. Choose truth. Do not let your mind be taken captive by the lies of the evil one. Cling to your position in Christ and the value He places on you. Spend enough time in the Word and memorize verses that spell out God's promises and your security in Him that any time a lie does come into view, you will be able to laugh and say, "Good try, Satan, but my Father already told me who I am and how much He loves me, and He's a heck of a lot more trustworthy than you!"
Life is not a lottery; the odds are all in our favor. All we have to do is believe the truth and be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)