Funny how just listening to a song can totally take you back, take you out of reality and into another place and time when things were totally different. Not necessarily better, just different. A high school crush, a college summer, a first date, a difficult time in your life, or a moment of clarity. I find that so many of my memories are tied to songs, and when I hear them, I am literally transported as if in a time machine, and start to feel things, think things, and wonder about things. I trust God, and I see how His hand has been at work all my life in all things, and when I hear certain songs it makes me wonder at all I've been through, how faithful He has been, and how much things have changed. Sometimes I find myself longing for past times, when things were easier or more simple, or when things made more sense. I think about when I first fell in love, or when relationships were in the beginning stages, or when friends came and went...and I am struck by the force of change. Change can be subtle, slinking its way into your life a little at a time without you even realizing it until you look back and realize how far you've come..or it can come crashing in like a hurricane, turning everything upside down and rearranging all your plans. I can't decide which I prefer. At least in a hurricane, you know things are going to change and you can maybe prepare or at least do damage control (and it doesn't catch you off guard), but with gradual change, it sneaks up on you (and personally, I CANNOT STAND IT when people or things sneak up on and startle me), and you really are kind of helpless and just have to go with it. I guess each equally brings change, so it doesn't really matter.
Divorce sucks. That's one kind of change that is just really awful no matter how you look at it. Granted, I trust that God will do something good with it and bring healing and show His faithfulness throughout it (because that's just what he does), but that doesn't make it easier in the moment. I've seen the 2 couples I love most divorce and it breaks my heart. My mom is still dealing with repercussions years later, and I can only pray that my sister will heal more quickly and with less pain. And I pray God's protection over the children. It just sucks. Throughout it all, I'm thankful that God is in control as always. And even though not everything makes sense at the time, just like any change, one day we'll all look back and it will be clear.
Speaking of change, I am tired of friends who come and go. Just stay. Be loyal, authentic, and honest. Or leave because you choose to, but don't blame me.
I can't quite figure out how I have managed to talk about the change I want to see in my life for the past year and a half, but have yet to do anything about it. I have truly felt inspired, energized, and encouraged, with inspiration to do things differently, and just live differently, but have managed to remain in my comfort zone. Well it's not good enough for me. I have to be the person I want to be now. No more excuses. I want change to take over. I am ready.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
No Pressure
It is early. It is 8:30 am, I ran out of coffee 15 minutes ago, and I have 8 hours of work ahead of me. Of course, when I say "work" at this point in the semester, I really mean sitting in the office reading for pleasure, playing on Pinterest, and occasionally answering the phone if it rings. Things are pretty quiet here once all the students are gone.
When I'm here by myself for long periods of time, I have a lot of time to think. This morning, in my daily devotional app on my phone, there was a quote that said "What you fear reveals where you trust God the least." Boy, did that hit me right between the eyes. I have spent way too much of my life worrying and fretting about things that are out of my control, and holding onto fears of things that God has already taken care of (or has promised to). The truth is that deep down, I guess I think that if I'm thinking about it, then I'll be prepared for whatever happens, good or bad, and it won't catch me off guard. But when I really think about it, I realize that I'm just wasting my time by not trusting God. If you haven't noticed, many of my blogs have this theme: trust. I've never been quite sure why it's always been such a hard thing for me, especially since I have such wonderful, loving people in my life who are always taking care of me. And most importantly, I have a Heavenly Father who has a plan for my life in which he has promised to prosper and not harm me, and he has promised hope. So why am I still failing to trust, or fearing the unknown, or getting impatient with things that I really shouldn't rush?
I look back on the past 2 years of my life, and granted, I never thought I'd be where I am...I had other plans. But, I also know that God has worked all this out for a reason, and even though I may not be able to see it now, it will be worth it. One day (maybe next month or maybe in a year or 2) I'll look back and that light bulb will come on...and I'll realize why things happened the way they did- questions will be answered, and God will confirm that he is, was, and always will be in control. That is comforting for me. Surprisingly, even though I'm such a control freak in my own life, knowing that I don't control my future is kind of nice, because it takes some of the pressure off. There is literally no pressure. Sure, I will always strive to do my best, follow my Lord, and live a good life, but the bottom line is that He already knows my future :)
In 5 months, I will be finished with grad school (!!!), in the process of moving out of my apartment, hopefully have a job, and who knows what else. It's kind of scary to think about the fact that I have NO plans beyond that, but really, what plans could I make? Everything is up in the air at this point. I'm just gonna try this new thing of giving it over to God, realizing that his plan is better anyways, and not worrying about it. Because let's be honest, where's that gonna get me anyways? Besides high blood pressure, anxiety, and stress? Nowhere. God is in control, he always has been, and nothing will change. This morning I am thankful for that truth.
When I'm here by myself for long periods of time, I have a lot of time to think. This morning, in my daily devotional app on my phone, there was a quote that said "What you fear reveals where you trust God the least." Boy, did that hit me right between the eyes. I have spent way too much of my life worrying and fretting about things that are out of my control, and holding onto fears of things that God has already taken care of (or has promised to). The truth is that deep down, I guess I think that if I'm thinking about it, then I'll be prepared for whatever happens, good or bad, and it won't catch me off guard. But when I really think about it, I realize that I'm just wasting my time by not trusting God. If you haven't noticed, many of my blogs have this theme: trust. I've never been quite sure why it's always been such a hard thing for me, especially since I have such wonderful, loving people in my life who are always taking care of me. And most importantly, I have a Heavenly Father who has a plan for my life in which he has promised to prosper and not harm me, and he has promised hope. So why am I still failing to trust, or fearing the unknown, or getting impatient with things that I really shouldn't rush?
I look back on the past 2 years of my life, and granted, I never thought I'd be where I am...I had other plans. But, I also know that God has worked all this out for a reason, and even though I may not be able to see it now, it will be worth it. One day (maybe next month or maybe in a year or 2) I'll look back and that light bulb will come on...and I'll realize why things happened the way they did- questions will be answered, and God will confirm that he is, was, and always will be in control. That is comforting for me. Surprisingly, even though I'm such a control freak in my own life, knowing that I don't control my future is kind of nice, because it takes some of the pressure off. There is literally no pressure. Sure, I will always strive to do my best, follow my Lord, and live a good life, but the bottom line is that He already knows my future :)
In 5 months, I will be finished with grad school (!!!), in the process of moving out of my apartment, hopefully have a job, and who knows what else. It's kind of scary to think about the fact that I have NO plans beyond that, but really, what plans could I make? Everything is up in the air at this point. I'm just gonna try this new thing of giving it over to God, realizing that his plan is better anyways, and not worrying about it. Because let's be honest, where's that gonna get me anyways? Besides high blood pressure, anxiety, and stress? Nowhere. God is in control, he always has been, and nothing will change. This morning I am thankful for that truth.
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