how He loves us

This has been a most refreshing day...somewhat difficult, but wonderful and grace-filled all the same.

Today, as I stood and worshipped my Savior in church, I was overwhelmed and brought to tears by the fact that HE had prepared that moment from the beginning of time. He knew that my heart would be hurting and that I would be confused and seeking His face that morning. He knew how broken and convicted I would feel, and he also knew that He would be right there to catch me and comfort me. He has known all along that HE is all I need, and that until I realize that and until HE and HE ALONE is my sole reason for living and my motivation in life, I will never be happy, no matter how many friends I have or how much anyone loves me.

All I know is that I have been convicted today more than I have been in a very, very long time. I am not living my life like I should-- spiritually (because I have not made him a priority and spent time in his word or in prayer like I should), mentally (because I worry and analyze and leave no room for the peace and comfort of the Holy Spirit in my life and am constantly trying to control things)...and I could go on. I'm not saying I'm a failure or anything like that, but God has just completely blindsided me by these truths today. I have lost count of the number of times I have confessed to being self-centered but yet I still fail to do anything about it. Every morning I wake up and I am still the same person- shallow, selfish, irritable, lacking joy, and looking in ALL the wrong places for my fulfillment. The sermon today was on giving off the aroma of Christ...and to make a long story short, I KNOW that I am not doing that.

I'm not really sure what else to say. My experience in church this morning was unlike any I have ever experienced, and there aren't adequate words to describe it.

I feel like I am such a mess all the time, but yet I am reminded of the song that talks about how he loves us:

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way

My God is so good. I am not worthy.