fatigue

I hope in advance that this entry doesn't depress anyone or even sound depressing. It's just my feelings today. Not who I always am, just me. Just today.

I am tired. Tired of a lot of different things, but mainly just tired. I am tired of waking up and not feeling rested, tired of not making time to do the things I know I should do. I am tired of wondering who my friends are and who (if anyone) I'll keep in touch with once I graduate in a few months. I am tired of worrying (or even thinking) about the future. I am tired of not knowing what it holds or where I'm going to be living in 4 months. I am tired of not knowing stuff. I feel so lost sometimes and that I'm just going through the motions of everyday life, trying to make sure no one sees how much I am absolutely going insane on the inside. There are days when I feel like I have no one to talk to other than God- no one who has the time or concern. I feel like I get lost in the sea of faces and don't have anything unique to offer. I know these are all lies that are not true, but sometimes there is still a part of me that wonders if I'll ever feel at home. If I'll ever feel like I belong somewhere.

Maybe the best word to describe it is restlessness. Yeah, that mixed with an insane amount of loneliness. I'm sure that anyone who knows me at all would say that I have it all together, my life is great, my future is bright, I don't have any problems, and that I am basically living the dream. But they don't know the real me. Not many people do. It's not like I'm this crazy person who is secretly depressed and has no friends and her whole life is fake...I actually think I'm pretty much normal. I think we all have a side of ourselves that we don't necessarily want others to see. The side that cries in the middle of the afternoon because of nothing. The side that is truly scared to death that I'll be alone in a few months at grad school, with nothing but my career to look forward to. The side that wonders if any of my friends truly care about me or if they just play along because they don't want to hurt me. And the side that wonders if all of this has any point.

Now don't get me wrong, I believe that God is sovereign and that he can use me in whatever situation I am in because I am there for a reason...but there are just those days when I feel so incredibly out of place that I don't even want to face anyone for fear of them seeing right through me. All I want is someone to see me for who I am- the scared, vulnerable, confused, insecure girl that I am and be okay with it. There are so many expectations placed on me and I feel like if I show any weakness or any lapse in perfection no one will understand. I have played this role so long, worn this mask for so many years...I'm not even sure how to separate my real self from it anymore.

I just wanna find my way back.

I can see it ahead. My God is stronger. I am weak, but his strength in me is enough. I want to leave it all behind and start over.