So, I'll be honest. I thought I'd be married by now. And probably have a kid. But obviously, neither of those things have happened.
And yes, I am glad. One might say, "Hannah, you're going to be 27 in less than 3 weeks, why are you glad about that?? Don't you want to get married and have kids??" (I promise, I've managed to curb my sarcastic comments to small-minded people who say things like that to me, but that doesn't mean they don't happen in my head). Well, as strange and as abnormal as it may be for a woman in her, dare I say, late 20's to be okay with not being married in our culture and area, I am.
Here's why: I have watched SO many people hurt. TOO many. Both in my line of work as a therapist (which includes couples, parents, children, and entire families), and in my personal life as well, through the lives of friends and family...I've watched people hurt. By no means does watching all this hurt and confusion make me scared to get married, or explain why I'm not married. All of this stuff around me over the years, however, has provided me with a pretty detailed road map filled with detours, dead ends, exits, and both well-paved and pothole-filled roads to travel down as a person enters into this thing called marriage.
I'm not going to share all the lessons I've learned from watching others in their marriages- both successful and not...at least not in this blog post. I will say, though, that I'm thankful for those around me that I have learned from, who have opened up to to me, who have confided in me, and who have let me see and help with their pain, because I have learned more about marriage in the last 10 years of my life than I ever thought I would. When you're a marriage counselor, work with countless children who are victims of divorced parents, read books about marriage and divorce, and know people personally who have experienced countless issues within marriage, I guess that just kind of happens. And, I'm thankful for every bit of that knowledge and yes, even the way in which it was gained, even if that means some hurt on my own part.
I would like to think that all this knowledge and experience will have totally prepared me for marriage myself, (because, despite my sarcasm earlier, I do have a desire in my heart to be married and have a family of my own), but I'm not nearly naïve enough to actually believe that. Yes, it will help and I may be better prepared than some, but, marriage is different for every couple, and I have no idea yet what my marriage will be like, or, if I'll even get married. And yet, even if I don't, all is not lost because I can still use my knowledge to help others.
Okay so, one thing I will say, is STOP DEGRADING YOUR SPOUSE ON SOCIAL MEDIA. I know I'm not married, but seriously, the memes on Facebook, subtweets on Twitter, and now I'm starting to see Instagram posts with quotes on them that are OBVIOUSLY directed at people's spouses (and some are even bold enough to tag their spouses, which is beyond me). Anyways, if you have something to say about your significant other, if you're mad at them, frustrated because they're not helping you, listening to you, or giving you what you need, tell them. Tell THEM. Not everyone else but them. Quit expecting them to read into your subliminal messaging and come apologize. Go to them, tell them what you're feeling, and then work on it together. Not long ago I had a couple in my office doing marriage counseling, and I asked them when the last time was that they sat down together and had a conversation without the TV on, the kids in the room, or *gasp* without checking their phones. Radical, isn't it? Yeah, well, they literally could not tell me of a time, ever, when they had done that. And they were wondering why neither of them felt heard. (Okay, I realize I'm on a soap box, I'm coming down shortly). Maybe as a therapist I'm spoiled by all the direct, one-on- one conversations I get to have on a daily basis and it's now the norm in my life, but shouldn't that actually be the norm? Anyways, I'm done ranting. Seriously, just go talk to your spouse. Just do it. Life's too short to post your feelings on social media looking for sympathy when your partner is right there. Also (sorry, I promise I'm done after this), it's disrespectful. Your issues with your partner do not need to be aired on social media...just imagine if you were on the other side of it. That's humiliating. For you and them. Ok, really done now.
Life is full of good things. It's also full of crappy things sometimes that affect marriage, like lies, deceit, unfaithfulness, pornography, disappointment, people changing seemingly overnight, and fear. I wish I had the answers for all these things, but I don't. I hopefully have gained some good tools to help me deal with them if they ever happen to me (some again), but only time will tell. And some marriages are really great, and I'm equally blessed to learn from those too. I am so incredibly grateful that I have learned all that I have so far, and that all the things I've experienced has led to the exact place I am right now in my life.
So yes, I'm glad I'm not married. Yet. Because if I had been, I would've missed out on many of the things I've learned and likely would've been settling. That's what I mean by saying I'm glad I'm not married yet. I legitimately am happy with the way things are in my life right now, that I've learned so much, am still learning, and still have so much to learn....that I never settled or sold myself short, and that I know God's plan for my future is amazing whether I'm 28 or 48 when I get married. IF I get married. God is good, all the time. I"m so thankful that He has given me the grace to be able to accept where I am and trust Him no matter what I may feel. Not being married right now doesn't mean I've done something wrong or that I missed God's will for my life (and hopefully any unmarried woman reading this hears that). It means I'm right where He wants me, and there's no better place to be, than in the will and the arms of the One who made you, and who places value on you, married or not, because you are His.
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!" -Isaiah 43:1b
