What Happens When Someone Loves you Like Jesus Does

What an outlandish thought...right? That an imperfect human could ever duplicate the love of Christ to another imperfect human.

How many times have I run from God? Told Him that He could have every part of me...except...fill in the blank. How many times have I tried to understand, comprehend, and explain His love, trying in vain to wrap my tiny human mind around the vastness and depth of His unfailing love, only to be left feeling confused, content, grateful, and undeserving when I fail? I have told God that He must not really know me, or else He wouldn't love me like He does...wouldn't extend such unceasing grace to me on a moment by moment basis. But the beauty of this paradox is that not only does He really know me, but He knows every part of me because He created me, and He loves me anyway.

It seems only natural that if a human were to show glimpses of that same type of love to us, we would fight it and say, "No, I'm not that good. Just wait until you really get to know me, and you'll see all my flaws," or even try to convince them that there's no way they could love us as much as they do...they're just blinded by love and need to wait until those rose-colored glasses come off so they can make a true judgement of us. Now of course, it is impossible for humans to love perfectly, simply because of our human nature. And, naturally, we see all our own flaws more than others do usually, so it's difficult for us to believe that someone could love us not only in spite of those things, but maybe, just maybe, because of those things.

But here's a radical thought: What if the person we're meant to marry is meant to love us like Jesus does? What if it's more misleading to believe that no one could love us like that than it is to believe that they can, or even that they should? I'm not saying that you should hold your significant other to the standard of Christ's perfect love, but Jesus did command us saying, "²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her....²⁸ So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; ²⁹ for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of His body." (Ephesians 5:25, 28-30).

This may seem obvious to some people, like, "Duh, you shouldn't settle for anyone who doesn't love you like that!", but when you are accustomed to not feeling good enough or like you don't deserve that kind of love, it's a pretty radical thought when you start to grasp it. I am brought to tears by the realization that I thought I knew what God's love was. I thought I understood the passion with which He pursues me. I thought I knew how much He loved and cherished me and adored every part of me. Until now. This gives me a whole new perspective and I'm realizing that I have been given the closest thing I'll ever have to God's unabashed, unfailing, and undeserved love here on earth. And I don't have to worry about not being perfect, about letting him down or not living up to his standards. When someone loves you like Jesus does, they see past your flaws. They love you for you, and don't hold you to impossible standards, but choose to love you...just because. And you can rest in that and not run from it, try to earn it, or fight it. Accept it as a free gift, and love back as hard as you can for the same reasons.

I am loved. I am adored. I am cherised. And I am thankful.

Come Running

For the first time in so, so long, I am actually legitimately excited about my future. I have a plan and the means to reach my financial goals so that I don’t have to work forever, which is in itself a freeing thought. But more importantly than that, I have hope. It’s one thing to have desires and wishes and dreams for the future--everyone has those—but it’s an entirely different thing altogether to have HOPE.

Let’s get technical for a second: the actual definition of hope is 1- “a feeling of expectation for a certain thing to happen; 2- a feeling of trust.”

Expectation. Trust.

I don’t know about you, but until now, those two words were more like a foreign language to me than things I knew and understood, much less possessed. There is something to be said for a person who can make you feel like they would give you the world, a person who, sure, says and does all the right things, but more than that, proves it with the kind of person they are so that you just can’t help but believe every word they say. It’s a crazy paradox, really, especially when in my past experience, love (although overall good) has brought hurt and mistrust and uncertainty. I can look forward to my future with certainty and complete trust and expectation because I finally feel wanted—like the person I am is exactly what someone else has waited for…! What a feeling! (okay, promise, I’m not going to break out in song…although at times I have felt like it).

And then, I am humbled. Because I think of the love Christ has for me, and how He longs to bless me. And how when we wait, trust, and ask for His will, He does it. And He does it even more abundantly than we could’ve ever imagined. And I think of this quote my aunt shared on Facebook a while back, and am brought to tears at the realization of how generous and loving our God really is:

“Lord, I crawled across the barrenness to You with my empty cup, uncertain in asking my small drop of refreshment. If I had known You better, I’d have come running with a bucket.” –Nancy Spiegelberg

Just ask. He will give you what you’ve always wanted…what you’ve been waiting for. For He is the One who formed your heart and placed the desire there to begin with. 

"I thank God I ain't what I almost was..."

First, I don't think it's any surprise that the title of this post is Eric Church lyrics.
Second, if you haven't downloaded the TimeHop app yet, go do it. It's this cool app that you can sync with all your other social media apps (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.), and it will pull from them to give you a kind of scrapbook of your posts from each day...1 year ago on this day, 2 years ago, 3 years ago, etc., for as far back as you've had social media. I'll admit, it's both the best and worst thing I've ever done. Some days, it's so fun to look back on all the fun, crazy, stupid things I was doing on this day when I was in college or grad school, and it's nice to occasionally reminisce about those memories (or screenshot things and send them to my best friend so we can talk about how ridiculous we were/are). Other days, it's honestly kind of heartbreaking to look back over the hard times, sad days, and depressing moments in my life (but also encouraging to see how much I've made it through). And then there are days like today, when I read a post that I posted 2 years ago, that, ironically before I even read it, was the exact same thought I had this morning when I woke up (kind of crazy, I know). Anyways, 2 years ago on July 24, I posted something about how I was thankful that I am not in control and that God doesn't always give me everything I ask for, because His plan is always best.
That was the first thought on my mind this morning, and then when I got on TimeHop and saw that from 2 years ago, I knew it was confirmation from Him. There have been so many moments in my past when I have felt frustrated and even angry that God wasn't answering my prayers the way I wanted them to be answered. I grew up in church, Sunday school, and a Christian school, so trust me, I know all the right answers: God's timing is best, everything happens for a reason, one day it will all make sense, God has plans for your future-to prosper you and not to harm you, God works all things out for the good of those who love Him....and on and on. And all of those are absolutely true. However, I am human. I doubt, I get confused, I want answers. This morning I woke up thinking about how drastically different my life would look right now if I had gotten all the things I thought I wanted (in regards to family, jobs, relationships...pretty much everything). But, as I've been looking back over things, I'm glad it doesn't look like I wanted it to look.
What I'm realizing is that I love my life.
Every bit of it.
I wouldn't change anything that has happened to me (even though to be honest there's been some pretty ridiculous, infuriating, confusing, and hurtful things that have really sucked), because all those things have brought me to where I am, which is I know exactly where God wants me. Most days, I literally don't even know what I want, much less what I need, but that's okay because God knows both and He is faithful. I am so, SO glad that God hasn't always given me the things I have asked for. As I look at my life now and the way things are (even though it's nothing like what I thought it would be at this point), I am realizing that, obviously, He really does know best. :)
In the words of the great Eric Church, "I thank God I ain't what I almost was."

Confessions: Tinder Edition

So, obviously, I have a Tinder. Not my proudest moment, but at the same time, when you're in your mid-20's and are no longer on a college campus surrounded by guys your age, and when you're lucky to see any other humans besides your roommate and coworkers in a typical week, where in the world are you supposed to meet decent guys?! So, I thought, maybe I should take advantage of this new technology out there to help connect me with some nice, decent, quality, mature guys who are looking for serious relationships.
Obviously I'm an optimist.
I make my profile, choose some pictures of myself that show off my best side while also making me seem fun and interesting but not too crazy (which is more difficult than one would think), set my discovery preferences, and then start swiping. I think to myself:
"Nope, nope, nope, definitely not, hmm he has potential, woah...just no, ok he's really cute...but of course he's 78 miles away, what made him think that was a good choice in pictures??..." and on and on.
It's clear that this is the most shallow app of all time, seeing as how all you know about the person is their first name, age, a few pictures, and a short bio (which, by the way, if your bio is witty and makes me laugh, you're a step ahead already). But, let's be honest, isn't it looks that first attract us to someone? Sure, it's not the best way to find people I know, but hey, I guess you never know, right?
So, the following are thoughts I have essentially every single time I am swiping through, and just couldn't keep them to myself because I know I can't be the only one who thinks these things:

Tips for guys when choosing pictures for your profile (remember, you only get 6...please start putting some thought into this process):
1. If all your pictures are group pictures with a bunch of other guys and I can't tell which one you are...I'm swiping left.
2. If your first picture contains any of the following: a cigarette, any type of drug paraphernalia, shots of liquor, a beer funnel, or obvious drunken escapades...I'm swiping left.
3. If any of your pictures, especially the first one, involve a selfie of any kind: mirror (especially flexing), car, gym, shirtless (especially flexing), etc...I'm swiping left.
4. Actually, just any mirror pic at all ...I'm swiping left.
5. If you have 6 pictures of you doing cool outdoorsy stuff like camping, fishing, rock climbing, kayaking, hunting, etc., that's pretty cool and you're probably a pretty fun guy. However, if I can't see your face in any of them, there's a good chance you're fake and a possible stalker/serial killer so...I'm swiping left.
6. If your picture contains any of the above things in combination with one another (like a shirtless, drunken selfie with lots of beer bottles), I probably won't even read your name before I swipe left.
7. If your pics include your car, motorcycle or if all your pictures are the same picture just cropped differently...I'm swiping left.
8. Also, if many of your pictures include an attractive girl or the same attractive girl...what, is it like your sister, your ex, your current girlfriend? no. swiping left.

On the flip side, here's some things that might convince me to swipe right:
1. A picture with your mom
2. A picture with your dog/puppy/multiple dogs
3. A picture with children (that are not yours).
4. A bio that says what your job is, where you live, and what you like to do for fun (except if your only interests are drinking/partying).

Other random thoughts:
- if I see one of my guy friends on there from high school, college, or mutual friends, I'm gonna swipe right just to be ridiculous and allow us to laugh mutually at the fact that we both have Tinder. Doesn't necessarily mean I wanna date you.
- if you message me saying "you're so pretty" and that's it....no.
- if you ask to add me on snapchat and we've barely talked...no.
- if you tell me you're "looking for whatever happens"....no.
- that moment when you get so used to swiping left that you aren't paying close attention and you accidentally swipe left on a really cute guy...he could've been the perfect match!!
- that moment of terror when you think you're looking through a guy's pictures and you swipe right to look back at the others and you then realize you were actually swiping through all the guys and so you end up swiping right on a guy that you would've never swiped right on...and of course, it's a match. fail.

SO yeah, Tinder wasn't my best life choice, but who knows, maybe it'll lead to something awesome. I'm skeptical, and will probably make a friend or my roommate also be present at my first meeting with any guy I talk to, sitting at a different table, pretending to be a complete stranger just in case he's a dangerous stalker and I have to use a safe word to escape being sold into sex trafficking. (okay, not to make light of that at all, because I know it's real, but that came from my mother and sister).

So I guess until further notice, I'll just be swiping away to find my prince charming. But really, I'll probably just extend my discovery preferences to 3000 miles, just in case Channing Tatum gets tired of swiping left.

To my future husband

To my sweetheart, my love, my future husband:

I miss you. I haven’t met you yet (or at least I’m pretty sure I haven’t), but I miss you terribly today. I'm not sure how that's possible, but it feels real because I feel like part of me is missing. On this gloomy, cloudy day when I'm camped out on the couch watching March Madness, I find myself in a place of longing. I am feeling a desire to be with the one whom my soul loves. I love you and I don’t even know you. I love you because I know you will be the one to love me the way I’ve always wanted to be loved; you will appreciate and adore me, even my quirks and sometimes frustrating habits. I love you because I know that you love our Savior just as much as I do, and you put Him before everything else in your life, even me. I love you because you are my other half- I know that you will complement me and push me to be the woman I strive to be every day.

But you should know that I, much like you probably, have been hurt. My heart has been shattered like glass and has cut my soul to pieces. I have given all of myself- put everything I have into relationships- and have come out still feeling inadequate and unwanted, leaving me with nothing but a whole bunch of lessons learned. But these lessons are valuable because they’ve taught me to protect myself and they’ve shown me what I should look for, which I know is you. And I know I’ll know it when I see you.

I want to be with you. I want to feel your arms around me, to hear your voice, and to be engulfed in your love. I am ready to feel like I am good enough- that me, who I am, is enough. I’m ready to meet you because I know that you’ll give me all the things I need and even some that I didn’t know I needed. You’ll appreciate, adore, be proud of, and love me with all that you are. And I can guarantee that I’ll never give you anything less than all of me. When I love, I love hard, and although this has brought me pain in the past, I know I’ll never regret loving you with my whole self because you will protect and take care of my heart. It makes me excited and happy to think of our love. I don’t know when it will come, when I will see you for the first time, but I have enough experience meeting the wrong ones that I think my heart will know you when my eyes see you for the first time.

I have no doubt that God’s timing is the best and most perfect thing. I am not looking for you, not seeking you out, but I am eager to meet you, whenever that may be. I trust that when the time is right and when God has finished readying us for one another, we will meet. But until then, just know that I’m thinking about you. I think about you often, not in a desperate way, but in a way that makes me excited for the life that we will share together. And in the meantime, I will be working to make sure I am the best woman I can be for you. I can’t wait to know you and love you. And I'm secretly hoping that in the future I can look back to this moment of longing, and then look at you next to me on the couch yelling at the games on TV during March Madness, and smile.

The Struggle for Contentment

One of the questions that has been weighing heavily on my mind this morning is this: Is discontentment really that bad?

Now, I guess the answer to this question depends on one’s definition of contentment. I know that in Philippians, Paul talks about how he has found the secret to being content (that he can do everything through Christ who gives him strength), and then again later he tells Timothy that “godliness with contentment is great gain.” (1 Timothy 6:6). But I wonder, where would I be if I was simply content with things the way they are? This is not me questioning the Word of God or saying that it’s inaccurate, but it is me wondering if for me, discontentment can mean something different than perhaps it meant for Paul.

Over the past 6 months, my life has literally been a roller coaster. I have been through some very low lows, and have also had some very exhilarating highs (by the grace of God). I have been through a lot that I still don’t understand, but that is okay. I find peace in knowing that God is in control and that He is good. But, this morning I found myself wondering where I would be if I had just been content with things and not yearned for more. Something about the word “contentment” rubs me the wrong way, because I am a go-getter. For some reason, I think that if I’m content, it means I’m not striving for more, pushing myself, reevaluating what I want, need, and deserve, or making plans to accomplish the big goals I have for myself. Maybe that’s not what Paul meant by that, because I certainly don’t believe he would encourage laziness or lack of motivation, but for whatever reason I have just been wrestling with this thought of contentment. I have thought, “Is there something wrong with me that I am not content?” I have SO many good things in my life, and I enjoy them fully. I am by no means unhappy or disgruntled about the way my life is going. I love my life!  

BUT, I want more. Not in a selfish, childish way where it prohibits me from enjoying the good things I do have, but in a way that pushes me to live up to the calling I have been given, and to not give up until I get there. I guess maybe in my mind I relate the word “contentment” to settling, to being “fine” with the way things are and not having the courage to question things. I did that for too long, and now I wonder where I’d be if I’d truly been honest with myself about what I wanted years ago.

Let me clarify (if I can), my views on contentment. Discontentment to me does not mean misery, it means stagnation, and that to me is worse than despair. There are some mornings, some random afternoons or late evenings, where I stop, and catch myself in this moment of longing. I feel this void inside me, like something is missing or that whatever I’m waiting for is so close—maybe right around the corner, but it’s not here yet. I have interpreted this many ways over the years, from chastising myself for not being content with who I am in Christ to trying to figure out all the things I feel like I’m missing. But I think for me, it comes down to this: Christ is enough for me. He is truly sufficient, and His grace covers all my imperfections. But I was also made for heaven, and this is not my home. I yearn for heaven, for the day when there are no more tears. Sure, I want other things while on earth, like my dream job, a husband, a family, a home of my own, etc., but I also know that getting those things will not fill that void. Maybe I need that void to remember that this world is not enough for me and that there is more than this. Maybe I need it to motivate and push me to not settle for things that are mediocre. We were not called to ordinary lives. Christ has done something extraordinary for us so that we can live extraordinarily for Him.