something more

this can't be it. this can't be all there is to it. I wake up each morning in hopes of seeing something new, of finding something no one else has ever found, of living a day that has never been lived before. But most of the time, I go to bed at the end of the evening and still have this yearning within my soul. There is this void that has yet to be filled by anything that I have sought to fill it.

It's funny because I know exactly what the cure is. I know exactly what it is that I need to do in order to stop feeling this way, to finally be able to rest and wake up relaxed--to put my mind at ease and to put an end to this seemingly endless search that I unknowingly embark upon every morning of this life as I know it. And that cure is Romance. but not just any romance. This Romance is one with my Savior, my best friend, my lover, and my Father. It always used to baffle me how one being could be so many things to someone and never contradict themselves. But He is. He is everything I need, every single day of my life. So why is it that I continue to fill this ever opening void with something other than the only thing that can satiate it? It makes absolutely no logical sense (and that is somewhat senile for someone like me, who always strives to do everything in the most logical, efficient way possible).

I know for a fact that God has provided us as humans with SO many resources here on earth- in the form of our friends, family members, significant others, HIS WORD, nature, and so many other countless things- yet so many people choose to spend their time mentally detached from this world watching TV, completely oblivious to the great scheme and plan that we are a part of. Our stories are being written and our lives are passing right before our eyes! The human race has created so many distractions from God that we don't even know what it is that we want anymore. We keep searching for something to fulfill us and make us happy but the truth is that if that "something" were something that we could create or think of ourselves, why in the heck would we need a SAVIOR!? why do I and so many others keep trying to do it on our own? Most days I just frustrate myself.

In a way it seems and sounds so simple, but as we all have heard, things are not always as they seem. I think many of us know the cure for this epidemic. We just don't know how to implement it. Our minds have been so poisoned by this world that we wouldn't know purity or things that are right, good, noble, trustworthy, and beneficial if they hit us between the eyes. We know all the right words but we don't know what they truly mean. I think we all know what we want our lives to look like (hence the "something more," we just don't know how to make it happen). So we all go on this journey searching for a way to give our lives meaning. To make ourselves feel like we can make a difference. To be different.

how He loves us

This has been a most refreshing day...somewhat difficult, but wonderful and grace-filled all the same.

Today, as I stood and worshipped my Savior in church, I was overwhelmed and brought to tears by the fact that HE had prepared that moment from the beginning of time. He knew that my heart would be hurting and that I would be confused and seeking His face that morning. He knew how broken and convicted I would feel, and he also knew that He would be right there to catch me and comfort me. He has known all along that HE is all I need, and that until I realize that and until HE and HE ALONE is my sole reason for living and my motivation in life, I will never be happy, no matter how many friends I have or how much anyone loves me.

All I know is that I have been convicted today more than I have been in a very, very long time. I am not living my life like I should-- spiritually (because I have not made him a priority and spent time in his word or in prayer like I should), mentally (because I worry and analyze and leave no room for the peace and comfort of the Holy Spirit in my life and am constantly trying to control things)...and I could go on. I'm not saying I'm a failure or anything like that, but God has just completely blindsided me by these truths today. I have lost count of the number of times I have confessed to being self-centered but yet I still fail to do anything about it. Every morning I wake up and I am still the same person- shallow, selfish, irritable, lacking joy, and looking in ALL the wrong places for my fulfillment. The sermon today was on giving off the aroma of Christ...and to make a long story short, I KNOW that I am not doing that.

I'm not really sure what else to say. My experience in church this morning was unlike any I have ever experienced, and there aren't adequate words to describe it.

I feel like I am such a mess all the time, but yet I am reminded of the song that talks about how he loves us:

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way

My God is so good. I am not worthy.

wishes

So, I'm not really sure where to start this time...I am so utterly confused. It's amazing to me how you can be so sure of something one day and then the next day have absolutely no idea. I am confused about a lot of things concerning the future, and I'm not at all sure what God wants from me. I desperately want to be in his will and do what he wants me to do, but days like this are discouraging because I'm not at all sure what that is. It seems that every night, when I lay down to go to sleep, and every morning, when I wake up and look at the ceiling, I have the same consuming thought and prayer...it seems to prevail in my thoughts and certainly in my prayers throughout the day. It's more of a hope really. A wish to say the least. And that wish is one for clarity. I find myself constantly wanting to know the future, to know what's gonna happen and at least a rough time frame in which it's going to happen. But most days that seems impossible. I know I'll never know what God wants for me until he shows me, and sometimes that frustrates me, but at the same time I know that his timing is best and I just have to wait for that day when he does grant me clarity. But the time in between is just agony.

Last night I watched The Pursuit of Happyness with a friend, and it really put a lot of things in my life into perspective. It made me realize that happiness is not just a place that you get to, but it is the journey that gets you there. And you can choose to either find happiness along the way and enjoy the little things of life, or you can choose to only look forward to certain things, and resolve not to be happy until you get them. Many days I find myself in the latter category, and I fail to see the simple things in life that make it so wonderful. I analyze, worry, and am always looking for the next best thing, when I should be pouring out my heart in gratefulness to my God who meets all my needs.

I may not know what God wants from me right now, but I can be content to know that He does have a plan for me and I will know what it is in His time. Until then, I just have to trust and stop worrying. That and learn how to be thankful for each and every blessing that I have been given.