a new perspective

Okay, so I know that there have been multiple times in the past where I've written about my relationships and conflict and how I'm so ready to know the future and be sure of everything. And it's not that when I felt those things back then that they weren't real...but now I just have a brand new perspective on things and God has completely opened my eyes to something I've been failing to see for a long time. I over-analyze things. That is no secret. But it's not something that I'm proud of. I've come to realize that over-thinking, analyzing, and thinking catastrophically does not help anything, but it just makes it all worse.

On a side note, my new addiction is Pinterest. There are SO many good ideas, quotes, pictures, crafts, and other inspirational things on there, and it just makes me want to go live life, make creative things, and just be more awesome. But the other day I saw this quote on there, and it really caught my attention:

"No guy is worth your tears, and when you finally find one who is, he'll never make you cry."

I became extremely frustrated when I read this. What kind of fairy tale world are girls today living in? There is no perfect relationship. Love is hard. It takes work, sacrifice, and sometimes you get hurt. People are human and they make mistakes. I have an incredible relationship with an amazing guy, but that doesn't mean I never get hurt. Having a happy, lasting, loving relationship does not mean you never argue or get hurt...it means you love someone enough to tell them when you're hurt, and they do the same, and you both care enough to work on it and make it right because they're worth it. Girls need to get rid of their list of the perfect guy, and stop thinking that relationships don't require work or that if you fight it's not meant to be. Sometimes true love comes with a few tears.
This is really not me trying to be negative or crush little girls' dreams of finding their prince charming. I'm just trying to be realistic and say that if you expect perfection or to never get hurt, you will be more disappointed than if you understand what you deserve, but can also admit that it's okay to get hurt sometimes. Conflict (and the resolution thereof) can often bring people closer together because once you listen and and open up to another in honesty, you come to a greater level of understanding that is better than anything else. There is no growth without struggle.

We don't expect perfection from ourselves, and we hope and expect that others will understand and forgive us when we mess up, so why is it so hard for us to do that for others?

It's okay that I don't have everything figured out, that I still wonder about certain things, and that sometimes I feel confused. I don't have to have it all figured out right now. The time will come in the future, but it's not now, and I need to stop worrying about it. I need to learn to take life as it comes instead of trying to conquer it before it hits me. I can't control anything but myself, and I need to stop thinking that having control will make things better. God knows what is best for me. The beauty in all this is that He knows EXACTLY where I will be in 5 years, whether I will be married, to whom, if I'll have kids, where I'll be working, and everything else. I'd rather him know than me. He's got this. I just gotta relax and trust :)

Rude People

Ok I just need to vent for one second. (Let's be honest, it's already been a second, but no one expected this to last that long anyways). I cannot stand rude people. Inconsiderate people who don't care about anyone's feelings but their own, and who are so caught up in their own lives that they cannot even see the people around them who are their "friends" or who are fellow professionals who deserve respect. I hope that I have never treated anyone with as much disrespect and lack of manners as I have been treated with this week. Do I not deserve that? I wouldn't wish that stuff on my worst enemy. Some people just need to grow up and realize that we are all humans, and no one is better than anyone else, no matter who you think you are.

I have been yelled at, ignored, had eyes rolled at me, and I'm sure plenty of other things that I am unaware of....and the funny part is, all of those people that treated me that way, I was extremely nice to. And I don't even care about them personally! What is this world coming to?! Apparently parents are failing at teaching their kids respect for other humans and learning to treat others kindly, especially if you don't know them.

My thoughts are this: if you are THAT unhappy, to where you can't even smile at and be patient with a stranger who is trying to help you, or respond to your "friend" that you say you care about so much, then honestly I feel sorry for you. That is all.
I feel better now.

This is amazing. That is all.

"All At Once" -The Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to

She is right in front of you

You begin to wonder could you find a better one

Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find

Where no questions cross your mind

But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt

Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Maybe you want it, maybe you need it

Maybe it's all you're running from

Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another

To another

Sometimes I have those moments in church when I can barely hold back my tears, wishing that no one was around so that I could fully break down and release my emotions. The pastor shared a verse, one I have heard hundreds of times before, but it hit me in a new way today. To hear that I am saved by grace, not by anything I have done or not done, came across to me in a brand new light, as if I was hearing it for the very first time. To think that I don't have to strive to be perfect or do everything right, but that I can relax, and not beat myself up every time I make a mistake...to realize that I am fully and completely accepted just the way I am by the grace of God poured out on me...it brings me to tears. To think that I don't have to measure up or prove anything to anyone, but I can rest in the fact that God's love for me won't change no matter what...that is truly remarkable. Other people can look at me and judge or condemn me, but I know where my future and hope lie...in Christ alone. And his love for me surpasses any on earth and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so undeserving, but today I realized that my job is not to spend my life apologizing or striving for perfection, but for being grateful for what I have, making the best of it, and seeking to understand Christ and imitate him. If I get caught up in the logistics and legalism of religion like some, I would be completely ineffective and have no influence on anyone.

I just want to live my life, enjoy my freedom, love the Lord, and learn to be content in him. He is, after all, everything I need.

Are you afraid of the dark?

Ok so I never watched that show or movie or sitcom or whatever it was that shared that title, but regardless, I've learned that I am deathly afraid of the dark. Not the dark as in the absence of light...I actually find that I can't sleep unless it's completely dark...I'm talking about the dark in the sense of not knowing things. Like if someone hides something from me or if I don't know what is going to happen in a future situation because it is in someone else's hands. If and when things happen that make me acutely aware of just how much I don't know, and just how much I'm not in control of anything, I just want to run away. To find a place where I don't have to talk to anyone and can just be in my own little world that is clean and organized and is not threatened by other people's uncertainty or indecisiveness.

I really don't think I'm asking for too much. No, I'm not at all.
I'm just not sure where I should draw the line and just stop asking for anything at all and go on with my own life.
Also, I'm contemplating deleting my facebook during this engagement/wedding season that is upon us (as if you were unsure of the innuendos that I was throwing out there, or what this entire blog post is about).

Answers

Why is it that the things that should be so easy are sometimes the hardest? Simple, yet important decisions suddenly become life changing and complicated and you freeze up and can't even think straight. It's because change is terrifying. Or it can be, if that change propels you into the unknown and vulnerable side of life. But what if you're one of those people who only likes to make big decisions if you have a clear reason for doing it, and you don't have that clear reason [yet]? Do you run? Do you stall? Do you refuse to make a decision until you have a clear answer?
I prefer to just not think about it until I absolutely have to. I don't like not knowing the future, and the more I think about how much I don't know about the future, and the great possibility that it could be a while before I know anything, the more stressed out I get about it and I can't enjoy every day life. I'll admit that I overanalyze things sometimes, but that's just because I want to do things right, and not make huge decisions that I'll regret later in life. I want to follow the path God has for me, but that becomes difficult when you have no idea where God wants you. That's how I feel right now. I'm relatively content, but I'm also not sure that I'm supposed to continue in the way I'm going right now, or if I should make some pretty major changes...I don't even know what's best for me.

I think if I had it my way, I'd just sit here, rest my head back on the couch, close my eyes, and the decision I should make would scroll through my mind either in word or video form, leaving no room for confusion, interpretation errors, or question. That would make life so much simpler, and could prevent a lot of unnecessary pain.

God's timing and actions never seem to make sense until way on down the road.

I'm ready to be way on down the road. This stage isn't for me. Not at all.

the waiting game

Sometimes I feel like it's all I ever do...wait. You'd think I'd be really good at it by now, but the truth is that I'm not. I can be an insanely impatient person sometimes. Currently I am waiting on my laundry to finish so I can fold it before I go to bed...(have I mentioned how much I hate doing my laundry at apartment complexes? I mean I don't even wanna think about the nasty stuff that's been in those washers. Not to mention they're always in the creepiest, sketchiest places ever...I think they plan that so girls will feel scared when going out to do their laundry late at night...I cannot wait to move to my new apartment in a month where I'll have my own washer and dryer!) Waiting on laundry doesn't necessarily bother me that much...it's all the other bigger, more serious things I'm waiting on that bother me more. Laundry is just the icing on the cake.

I know I'm supposed to be patient and trust that God is going to do his will in his time and that everything will eventually work out, because it always does, but it's not always that easy. I'm living in Johnson City, working full time at a restaurant for the summer until grad school starts in the fall, and trying to adjust to life on my own. Although it's nice to be out of the house an completely independent, I am still somewhat anxious about where Jake is going to end up. He's applied for jobs in VA, GA, NC, and of course TN, but at this point I just want him to get a job. Of course I want him to be in Johnson City, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Honestly I'm beyond tired of long distance, since that's basically all we've done for the past 2 years.

I also just got done waiting on a lot of things...grad school, an assistantship, an apartment, a roommate, a job...and God has come through on each and every one of those things. Now it's my job to trust in his faithfulness and not worry about the future. If I don't trust, it simply shows that I don't believe God is capable enough to do what is best for me, or prepare me for what he is going to do. God doesn't always do what we want him to do, but he always does what is best in his eyes. I found a quote recently that hit me really hard:

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." -Frank Crane

This applies to God, boys, friends, and family. We can torture ourselves by thinking of all the "what-if's" or the doubts that we may have instead of just trusting. Yes, it makes us vulnerable, but I think it's better to be vulnerable than to drive others away or not relying on God the way we should.

On a lighter note...being graduated from college feels pretty flippin awesome! Even though I have to go back to school, I'm SO glad to be done with that chapter of my life! :)

Senioritis...to say the least

Well, it's no surprise...it's been a while. I guess that's just what happens when you get to be a senior in college and you've found a million other things to do instead of the work you should be doing. I guess that means I should've been blogging more since I've been so busy procrastinating, but I guess my time has been spent sleeping, counting the days til graduation, and hanging out with friends I may not see much after the next month. But really, who am I kidding? I am and always will be an over-achiever, and my version of procrastinating is everyone else's normal. It's not that I haven't done my work or skipped more class (although I have missed a day of work and a few classes because of some late nights), it's just that I absolutely don't want to do ANYTHING. And that in itself is the definition of senioritis I guess. But we're almost there. Only about 34 more days.

In the meantime, I'm officially going to grad school! Yay! After one extremely intimidating interview, one fantastic interview, and one that was more like a ten minute "we really want you to come to our school" talk, I have finally been accepted and chosen to continue my education as a marriage and family therapist at ETSU. It feels so good to finally know! I'm in the process of applying for assistantships, in hopes they'll offer to pay me to go to school, and until then it's just free sailing!

My brother comes home from Hawaii (yes, I know, rough life he leads) the day after I graduate, then I guess I"ll be moving to big ole Johnson City! I am SO ready to be out of college. I mean, it's great and all, but I just know I'm ready for something bigger and better. I'm tired of drama and hurt feelings and immaturity and other stuff. I just want to forge ahead in my career and continue gaining experience! I am just SO excited about life, and all that God has in store for me! I don't know the half of it, but he always has a great way of revealing it to me when the time is just right!

However, I have made some new friends and we went to the beach for spring break, and we've just had a blast going out this year and enjoying ourselves, something I feel like many seniors have forgotten how to do! I know this is my last chance, so I plan on doing it now! Life is in session! (just a funny quote from the movie "The Switch" with Jennifer Aniston. really cute movie..and she is brilliant as always). Jake is looking for jobs everywhere he can, but stiil is not sure where he's gonna be this summer or next year. I sure do hope it's close, because this whole long distance thing is for the birds, and I'm over it! His stepdad passed away early in March, so it's been a really difficult time, but we're making it. God is faithful as always.

Speaking of God being faithful...isn't he?? He always knows how to draw me to himself and when the exact moment is that my heart is ready to hear certain things. I am slowly realizing that although things in this life may be fun and fulfilling in the moment, none of it brings true joy, and it really is only temporary. Hence the feelings of emptiness and loneliness when I'm not investing myself in the Word like I should be. I'm telling you, it's legit. And totally worth allowing your life to revolve around it. It's the only thing that matters after all.

Excuse me while I go live life :)

An Update from Senior Year so far :)



Date night :)



on the lake!

before Dave Barnes

At the top of Mt. Leconte!

Me and Savannah & Jackson at homecoming

dancing at Dillon and Emily's wedding

The 4 siblings :)



:) at Max Patch



Friends



Weekend at Erin's house!



Me and Savannah at Dollywood!



The whole family ♥



Precious baby boy

brother!

the 3 sisters

Carolina game :D

A Reason to Sing

I absolutely love to watch God work in my life. It seems like almost every single day he is opening my eyes to something new that he is doing. I love watching it because it affirms the fact that I am not alone, I am cared for, and no matter what happens, everything really will be okay.

Recently I have been learning one of the most humbling lessons known to man (or woman in this case). God has basically bombarded me with the realization of how incredibly insecure and  needy I am. I hate to even admit it, but it's true. No one wants to admit that, because the picture that comes to mind is a clingy little girl who is always competing for attention and love. It's not that extreme, but I do see in myself strivings for approval and affirmation constantly, even if it's just a text message or response on Facebook (lame, I know). I have always been taught to be independent, responsible, and to rely on God and myself. I never thought I would say that I have become dependent on human beings. But hey, at least I recognize it. Now I can change it.

Amidst this realization, God has been comforting me and helping me to realize that I am not alone in this. He's good at that :) I've talked to some friends and I am beginning to see that this is a pattern in many girls' lives, and that it is actually a huge problem. When we start to rely on others for acceptance and love, we discount God's amazing and unconditional love. There is no one, and I mean NO ONE who can give you love that is any where close in comparison to the kind of love that God gives you. Granted, it may not come in the form of a hug, a kiss, or a dozen roses, but it far surpasses all of those things. Earthly love is the kind that gives us the warm fuzzies, or makes our heart leap when we see that special someone. It's the kind that binds you to your best girlfriends and your family, the kind that we really do need in order to survive. But God's love...whew, that's in it's own category. It's not even in the same playing field.

I get frustrated at myself because somehow I let myself get caught up in receiving attention and affirmation from earthly figures and I forget how filling the love of Christ is. It's so easy to lose sight of that and forget just why I am so blessed and why I have so many wonderful things in my life. HE is the one who has given me everything, and without him I would be nothing. So many times I fail to acknowledge him as the giver of all things, which is why I continue to search in worthless places for approval. It is a vicious cycle, because once I remember/realize that nothing on earth can fill me, then I run back to the ever-open arms of Christ, but until then I'm stuck in my insecurities, longing so much to be desired, loved, accepted, affirmed, and sought after by others. I know full well that God is the only one worth pursuing and giving my all. He will take care of everything I give him, and will never give me less than everything. He is committed to me, he pursues me, and his love is beyond comprehension. It fills me to overflowing. That is why I sing.

fatigue

I hope in advance that this entry doesn't depress anyone or even sound depressing. It's just my feelings today. Not who I always am, just me. Just today.

I am tired. Tired of a lot of different things, but mainly just tired. I am tired of waking up and not feeling rested, tired of not making time to do the things I know I should do. I am tired of wondering who my friends are and who (if anyone) I'll keep in touch with once I graduate in a few months. I am tired of worrying (or even thinking) about the future. I am tired of not knowing what it holds or where I'm going to be living in 4 months. I am tired of not knowing stuff. I feel so lost sometimes and that I'm just going through the motions of everyday life, trying to make sure no one sees how much I am absolutely going insane on the inside. There are days when I feel like I have no one to talk to other than God- no one who has the time or concern. I feel like I get lost in the sea of faces and don't have anything unique to offer. I know these are all lies that are not true, but sometimes there is still a part of me that wonders if I'll ever feel at home. If I'll ever feel like I belong somewhere.

Maybe the best word to describe it is restlessness. Yeah, that mixed with an insane amount of loneliness. I'm sure that anyone who knows me at all would say that I have it all together, my life is great, my future is bright, I don't have any problems, and that I am basically living the dream. But they don't know the real me. Not many people do. It's not like I'm this crazy person who is secretly depressed and has no friends and her whole life is fake...I actually think I'm pretty much normal. I think we all have a side of ourselves that we don't necessarily want others to see. The side that cries in the middle of the afternoon because of nothing. The side that is truly scared to death that I'll be alone in a few months at grad school, with nothing but my career to look forward to. The side that wonders if any of my friends truly care about me or if they just play along because they don't want to hurt me. And the side that wonders if all of this has any point.

Now don't get me wrong, I believe that God is sovereign and that he can use me in whatever situation I am in because I am there for a reason...but there are just those days when I feel so incredibly out of place that I don't even want to face anyone for fear of them seeing right through me. All I want is someone to see me for who I am- the scared, vulnerable, confused, insecure girl that I am and be okay with it. There are so many expectations placed on me and I feel like if I show any weakness or any lapse in perfection no one will understand. I have played this role so long, worn this mask for so many years...I'm not even sure how to separate my real self from it anymore.

I just wanna find my way back.

I can see it ahead. My God is stronger. I am weak, but his strength in me is enough. I want to leave it all behind and start over.

what are you waiting for?

...just some groundbreaking life lessons from my time with the Lord this evening:
Lately, as I blogged a few days ago, God has been revealing to me the lies I have been believing and that are thus controlling my life. Today I started a new Bible study that my sister got me for Christmas that is based on the life and book of Ruth. The first day talked about Naomi's family's trip to the land of the Moabites from the land of Israel--from the land of the covenant to a land that God had forbidden contact with. There was a famine in their land and they took the easy way out to a more fertile and seemingly promising land. The challenge was to learn to accept the place in your life that you are at (whether it's in a place of trial or prosperity) and stop trying to take the easy way out. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." If we are constantly striving for more and deceiving ourselves into thinking that we deserve more or that we can't be happy until we graduate, until we find a boyfriend, until we find a job, until we are engaged (that one hits home), until we get through this semester, or whatever that something that you're looking forward to is, then we are not taking full advantage of all the things God has blessed us with NOW!

We have to learn to take God at his word and realize that he has us where we are for a reason and that he is sovereign in all things. He will use our situation for his glory if we let him, but that requires us to set aside the things we want or think we deserve. As I was praying after I finished the study, my eyes shot wide open as God whispered a painful and devastating truth to my heart. "Hannah, you have to stop believing that you can only be complete and truly happy until you are married. You need to learn to take advantage of your single life, because I have great things in store for you. You have every reason to be happy now and to enjoy life and be my vessel."

I was dumbfounded. Girls around me are literally getting engaged by the dozens, and I feel so incredibly left out. I am more than ready for that stage in my life (or at least I think I am), but that doesn't mean that I should discount all the wonderful things I have going on now.

If we are constantly living our lives unsatisfied and anticipating something greater (other than heaven), we will miss out on all the great things that are already before us. The truth is that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I have an amazing family that loves me, I have wonderful and fun friends, I have a God who gave his life for me and wants to use me to reach others for him- now, where I am at this point in my life, and I have an incredible, loving boyfriend who loves me more than I could ever ask or deserve. Me previously believing this lie that I'll never be happy until I'm married has had an extremely negative effect on our relationship because I have been interpreting everything in the light of future marriage. It has prevented me from living in the moment, from enjoying this day, this date, this conversation, this distance, this growth. I am constantly looking and waiting for something better, for something more, and it has caused me to miss out on so many good things.

And I am done with it. I don't want to let another day go by that I miss out on things or take things for granted. I want to take advantage of every opportunity and realize how truly blessed I am and always see the many reasons I have to be happy. Right now.
♥

a penny for your thoughts...

A few thoughts for today:

1. I am tired of snow, and I am officially ready for spring, warm weather, a tan, and SB '11 with my girls!

2. The mexican restaurant in town should give my roommates and I frequent diner cards so we can get meals free (which is always better than $4).

3. I like it when God is teaching me and changing me...it might be painful and difficult, but it is more than worth it in the end.

4. Girl talk is always better than girl-boy talk, unless he's gay. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but sometimes you just need someone who thinks the same way you do.

5. Always invest time in your friendships...you won't always be single and living with them in an apartment.

6. I need to be more motivated to work out, but this cold weather does not help anything.

7. Never take anything for granted.

8. The thought of walking to class in the snow/29 degree weather does not sound appealing. I would rather just stay in my warm apartment and watch Friends all day.

9. Someone should invent some contacts that don't dry out. Like for real.

10. Be thankful for the little things, and don't let a day go by without telling those you love how much you care about them.

Life is not a Lottery

Christmas break has brought TONS of life lessons for me, and I am truly inspired and ready to start living my life differently. This is not a New Year's resolution thing...this is a life-changing message from God that will alter the entire path of my life if I let it. Lately in my devotions, I have been reading through this book that talks about gaining control over our minds and allowing them to be transformed by "letting the Word of Christ dwell in [us] richly" and God has really opened my eyes. I read that it takes only 6 weeks of thinking a wrong thought to develop a habit, and that our lives and actions eventually reveal what we have chosen to think about and what we believe. When we allow negative thoughts in our lives and we begin to believe the lies that Satan so easily plants in our minds, they become destructive thought patterns that can dictate how we feel and what we do. The truth is that God does not give you negative thoughts about yourself, others, himself, or your circumstances. And whatever does not come from God is from Satan. As I was reading all of this, I began to pray that God would reveal any lies I'm believing or any negative thought patterns in my life that are affecting it for the worse...and boy was I amazed. Tons of lies starting pouring into my head-- lies about myself, my boyfriend and our relationship, lies about God, lies about my family and friends...and each and every one of them was altering the way I was thinking about myself or those relationships. And because I was believing all of those lies, each time something happened (like a negative event or a comment to hurt my feelings) I would interpret it in the light of that lie (like "they don't really care about me anyways," or, "I must not be worth their time.") You can see how completely destructive these ways of thinking are in my life and anyone else's who believes anything similar.

They (whoever "they" is) say that recognizing the problem is the first step. I know it is a big step, and I am so glad that God has revealed these things to me, but I am also overwhelmed at how I am going to fight these lies that seem to almost control my entire thought life. As I continued reading, I was struck by how simple (yet not easy) the solution is. My initial reaction would be to be ultra cautious of my thoughts and everytime I realized I was thinking or believing a lie, to simply refute it and say it wasn't true. That sounds like a TON of work. But, surprisingly enough, (hopefully you can hear the sarcasm), my way is not the best way. The only way to get out of this pattern and stop this cycle of lies is to fill your heart and mind with the truth that is in the Word of God. "Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly!" Fill your mind with truths about yourself, others, God, and your circumstances. Choose truth. Do not let your mind be taken captive by the lies of the evil one. Cling to your position in Christ and the value He places on you. Spend enough time in the Word and memorize verses that spell out God's promises and your security in Him that any time a lie does come into view, you will be able to laugh and say, "Good try, Satan, but my Father already told me who I am and how much He loves me, and He's a heck of a lot more trustworthy than you!"

Life is not a lottery; the odds are all in our favor. All we have to do is believe the truth and be transformed by the renewing of our minds.