I absolutely love to watch God work in my life. It seems like almost every single day he is opening my eyes to something new that he is doing. I love watching it because it affirms the fact that I am not alone, I am cared for, and no matter what happens, everything really will be okay.
Recently I have been learning one of the most humbling lessons known to man (or woman in this case). God has basically bombarded me with the realization of how incredibly insecure and needy I am. I hate to even admit it, but it's true. No one wants to admit that, because the picture that comes to mind is a clingy little girl who is always competing for attention and love. It's not that extreme, but I do see in myself strivings for approval and affirmation constantly, even if it's just a text message or response on Facebook (lame, I know). I have always been taught to be independent, responsible, and to rely on God and myself. I never thought I would say that I have become dependent on human beings. But hey, at least I recognize it. Now I can change it.
Amidst this realization, God has been comforting me and helping me to realize that I am not alone in this. He's good at that :) I've talked to some friends and I am beginning to see that this is a pattern in many girls' lives, and that it is actually a huge problem. When we start to rely on others for acceptance and love, we discount God's amazing and unconditional love. There is no one, and I mean NO ONE who can give you love that is any where close in comparison to the kind of love that God gives you. Granted, it may not come in the form of a hug, a kiss, or a dozen roses, but it far surpasses all of those things. Earthly love is the kind that gives us the warm fuzzies, or makes our heart leap when we see that special someone. It's the kind that binds you to your best girlfriends and your family, the kind that we really do need in order to survive. But God's love...whew, that's in it's own category. It's not even in the same playing field.
I get frustrated at myself because somehow I let myself get caught up in receiving attention and affirmation from earthly figures and I forget how filling the love of Christ is. It's so easy to lose sight of that and forget just why I am so blessed and why I have so many wonderful things in my life. HE is the one who has given me everything, and without him I would be nothing. So many times I fail to acknowledge him as the giver of all things, which is why I continue to search in worthless places for approval. It is a vicious cycle, because once I remember/realize that nothing on earth can fill me, then I run back to the ever-open arms of Christ, but until then I'm stuck in my insecurities, longing so much to be desired, loved, accepted, affirmed, and sought after by others. I know full well that God is the only one worth pursuing and giving my all. He will take care of everything I give him, and will never give me less than everything. He is committed to me, he pursues me, and his love is beyond comprehension. It fills me to overflowing. That is why I sing.
