One Day

Today has been so discouraging. I have cried. A lot. I have vented to friends, I have prayed, I have done multiple things that should help, but nothing seems to. Sometimes it's hard to cling to the promises of God when I'm feeling down, because even though I know they're always true and He will never change, sometimes those promises don't dry my tears that come from hurt, fear, frustration, and anger. They do however, soothe my heart, reminding me that this life is temporary, and I have SO much more to look forward to. THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS. That is one promise that always makes me feel better. God is so good. Even right now, when I'm still angry, still hurt, and still questioning the future, He is still good. He always is.
I am, however, going to vent. Some people can be so inconsiderate. It amazes me how people in this culture (where Christianity is the dominant religion) think it's okay to bash Christianity because they don't understand it or don't agree with it. And unfortunately, no one will say anything about it. But if I were to get on Facebook and bash another religion, people would be all over me saying that I was prejudice and discriminating. But because there's so many people that hate Christians, it's okay to bash it apparently. The funniest/worst part about it is that the person that keeps posting this stuff is in the counseling program, supposedly learning to be objective and not judge people based on their religion, race, or anything else. Apparently you're not learning a whole lot...
It also kills me that I have tried SO hard, and done my absolute best to make sure that my beliefs don't affect the way I view others or counsel clients, and I feel like I have done a really good job with learning to accept colleagues and be friends with them no matter what they believe. I guess I just feel like since I have made such an effort to respect you, you should respect me too. But I know I can't control others and I just accept the way things are, even if I feel like I deserve better. Oh well, such is life.

There have been a few other things that have happened today that have been discouraging, but at the end of the day, I'm so thankful for my Father and all of his amazing promises. When I am down and feeling discouraged and spiritually attacked, all I have to do is remind myself of the hope I have in Him, and that one day, all tears will be wiped away and there will be no more pain, because I will see my Jesus face to face, and there will be nothing but joy. And no one can take that away from me :)

almost. there.

I just realized that in about 2 months, I will be halfway done with grad school. Whaaattt??!! I literally feel like it was yesterday that I was applying for grad school, assistantships, and praying about where I should be. Crazy how time flies. I'm excited though! Grad school is so different from college, and not necessarily one of those places that you want to stay for a long period of time. I'm enjoying it, but I know when it comes time for me to be done, I'm gonna be gone! I'm ready to just have a job, have evenings and weekends free, and start a life with Jake :)

As I sit here in my office at my GA on campus, I caught a whiff of something that reminded me of the beach...and then I realized it was me. I caved and went to the tanning bed yesterday (but I'm only going for 7 days because I got a coupon in the mail and it's free--why would I pass that up? It's my reward for having to work over spring break and not being able to go to the beach for the first time in 4 years) and I maybe kinda sorta got a little red. Let's face it, my skin hasn't really seen the sun since October (when I went to the tanning bed for a month) and then before that it was August. So needless to say I was pretty pasty, and now I'm a little red, so this morning after I showered, I used my after sun lotion, and it reminds me of the beach :)) I would give just about anything to be there right now, but I guess this is just the way life goes!

I am currently conjuring up in my head different plans for vacation for this summer...the possibilities are endless! I can't wait. Summer pleeeaaseeee hurry!! :)

Freedom

Can I just go ahead and talk about how amazing my God is?! He truly goes above and beyond what I ask, every time. He knows exactly what I need, and doesn't just give me that, but also gives me things that I want as well, even without me asking. The past few months have been a difficult time for our family, and there's been drama and anger and feelings of hurt and lots of other things going on. For a while I just wanted to tap out and say that I was finished with it all. My dad wasn't speaking to any of us, my mom blamed everything on him, all I heard was negative things about my dad, and I honestly wouldn't have minded if God had called me overseas to do missions. After 2 months of my dad not speaking to us, my sister Holly and I decided enough was enough and we called him up and said we were coming for a visit. Long story short, we went to his house and got everything out into the open. We didn't mince words, sugarcoat anything, or hold back our tears or anger. I think it was good for my dad to see us so emotional, and to see that we still need him as a father, and he actually got emotional as well. Of course we all don't see eye to eye on everything, but in the end it was a great conversation, there were apologies from both sides, and we talked about where to go from here.

Needless to say, I was pretty happy and glad that God had blessed our request...then I got a text from my mom on my way back home (to my home in Johnson City). She then called me and talked to me for an hour. I cried, felt helpless, and was angry in the face of lies, deceit, and lots of other misunderstandings that were just plain confusing. I told her I was done with the whole situation. I can't make my parents get along, and honestly it's not my responsibility. The next morning, I wrote her a letter and was very sweet, just saying the truth...that I love her and I'm praying for her and also for this situation to be resolved soon, but I can no longer talk about dad or the situation with her anymore, for the sake of my health and sanity. We never make any progress anyways, and I always end up feeling upset and guilty. I struggled at first, because I thought she would get mad at me and not understand, and then I also felt guilty because I know sometimes she gets lonely and needs someone to talk to, but in the end I realized that sometimes a person needs to do what is best for them, especially if they are being damaged by a situation (as I was/am). I've always been a people-pleaser, and I've got to learn to let that go.

Well, as usual, God blew me out of the water. When I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday (the day I sent the email) she was nice, sweet, and her usual happy self. She didn't bring any issues up, and we just had a normal conversation. It was wonderful!! This may sound silly, and it's not as if anything ground-breaking happened (at least not in the eyes of most people) but I think this might be a small step of progress that our family has needed for a really long time. I finally realized that I don't have to control things, and that God is in control of everything. Also, I have freedom in Jesus Christ, and no situation, person, thought or emotion can control me unless I let it. What an amazing thought. I am so ready to get on with my life, not take part in the family drama, and just be happy and free of worry :)