Peace

I used to think that I would fall apart, that I would be depressed and feel like my world was ending. I used to think that I would never be able to make it through something so difficult. Ever. But here I stand. By the grace of God. When the Bible talks about peace that passes understanding, that's no joke. To stand here on the edge of the unknown, after having lost the one thing I thought would always be there...and have peace-- that is truly a miracle. If there's one thing I've learned throughout this process, it's to not be surprised when God answers your prayers that are prayed in hope, trust, surrender, and expectation. I've come to a place where I am right smack dab in the middle of God's will. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know I am right where He wants me, and there is absolutely no feeling in this world that could ever come close to comparing to that. Knowing I have heard and followed after the One who created my heart brings joy and peace that overshadows all the pain and heartache that came with the choice I made to follow. Sure, there is still sadness and a great sense of loss, but I can look back and smile, knowing full well that God led me through every bit of it to get me to this exact moment where I am at peace, fully in His will. What faithfulness! What sovereignty! I am at a loss for words when I try to fathom His greatness and His goodness towards me. I know I don't deserve any of it, and that's why I can say what I say with such conviction. Because I didn't do any of it. I'm just glad He was merciful enough to let me hear His words and gave me the strength to follow after Him.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Discipline So Sweet

As an adult, when I look back on my childhood, I remember vividly the punishment and discipline that awaited us 4 kids when we broke any of the rules in our house. At the time, the rules made sense to me, but not all of them were things I was fond of- and some I thought were unfair. But now, as I reflect on those times, I am SO thankful for the lessons I learned from those punishments. I have texted my mom multiple times since I have been out of the house, just to thank her for teaching me how to do things like be respectful to authorities, wipe off a kitchen counter, properly clean a bathroom, etc. I hated doing those things when I was younger, but now I realize it was all for my own good (as cliche as that sounds, unfortunately it's true).

It's the same exact way with God. The other day, my mom drove up to spend the day with me because I was going through a rough time, and needed support. It was just what the doctor ordered. My mom knows just about everything about me, and we have gotten much closer over the past couple of years. As I was pouring out my heart to her, she, like a mother does, was brutally honest with me. She said that she feared that I might be reaping the consequences of my sin. I initially got defensive and fought this, talking (through my tears) about God's love and mercy towards us. She, also like a mother does, reminded me of things that are best for me. She talked about God's love, but also about his righteousness, and how as his children, we must learn that discipline comes when repentance does not flow freely from our mouths.
Sparing you the details of both my sin and my punishment, let's just say I had a lot to think about.

Today, as I was reading my Bible, I ran across Hebrews chapter 12. Here's the part that struck me the most, causing tears mixed with remorse and joy to well up:
5..."'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives.' It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline..." and then jump down to verse 10 "For they [fathers] disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He [God] disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. 12 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

I found myself awe-struck, so completely stricken by remorse for my sins, but also surprisingly speechless in the face of such goodness that is our Father. How much he cares for me to allow me to reap the consequences of my sins so that I can find my way back to Him! He does not force me, but gently leads me, and teaches me valuable lessons along the way. What grace!!! God doesn't give us rules to hurt us, but to protect us...the same reason he disciplines us-- out of love. Even when it seems like he's asking too much, "everyone else is doing it," or we just plain don't want to do it, keep in mind that His eye is on the sparrow, and he sees all you do. Yes he is loving, but he is also just. And I am so thankful that he is! We are so privileged to be treated as God's sons and daughters! 

Discipline so hard
Discipline so sweet
Shows me just how loving You are,
How much You care about me.
Like the rules in my parents' home,
Yours are meant to keep me from harm.
So no matter how far I roam,
They warn me just like an alarm.
It's a hard lesson to learn-
That punishment equals love,
But once I gather the nerve to return,
I find You rejoicing from above.
Your child that was once long gone
Now finds herself at Your feet.
Broken, ashamed, barely breathing at dawn,
You draw my gaze upward for Yours to meet.
There is love in Your eyes
And patience in Your gaze.
I realize as You beckon me to rise,
That Your Discipline Your love displays.

Patience

I find myself in yet another stage of waiting. I feel like I've been waiting for things my entire life. I don't want to be the type of person who doesn't enjoy their experiences in life and is always waiting for the next good thing. I do enjoy things...I have been blessed with so much and so many good things in my life- but it seems like I am forever in a transition stage. Now that I have graduated with my Master's (whoa, right?!), all I want is to have my own place, a full time permanent job, and a decent income that I can live off of on my own. I guess that sounds like a lot when I put it all down like that, and it's honestly probably too much too be asking for all at once. What makes it hard is that I know I serve a God who is capable of not just those things, but even more. Problem is (and it's not really a problem-it just seems like one from my limited, human perspective) those things only happen in His timing. And unfortunately I am probably one of the most impatient people He created. And He knows that, since He formed me and knows even more about me than I do, which is why He keeps giving me opportunities to be patient. But I keep failing.

I read a quote today that said "Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you're waiting." Blow my mind. That is so true. I never thought of it like that. As Christians, God constantly gives us opportunities to reflect Christ in all we do and to be an example to others during hard times. It's easy to be a good witness and show the love of Christ when things are easy and everything is going your way. It's when things don't go your way, when you are confused, doubtful and scared that people are watching the most. Those are our opportunities to let Christ shine through us the most.

I've said it once and I'll say it again. I would rather have a life full of troubles and hard times with some mountaintops mixed in than a life full of good things, because at least if you have hard times it makes you appreciate the good times even more. There are so many people that I observe in my life that seem to have it all together- everything is figured out and running smoothly. They haven't had to experience much of anything "difficult" except for maybe a broken heart once or twice. That's good for them, but when I look back over my life, while it's been better than many people's lives in this world, it hasn't looked a thing like that. It hasn't been a fairy tale, and there have been a good number of moments where I wanted to give up and give in. But keeping my faith, praying continually, and trusting God has brought me closer to Him and has taught me more than I could've ever dreamed.
I don't know where I'm going to be living or working this time next month, or what my life will look like. Yes, that is terrifying if I let myself focus on just that. But, it is also exciting and energizing because it means that the opportunities are endless. It also means that I have a perfect opportunity to surrender to my God's plan that he promises to perfect and carry on to completion (Phil. 1:6).

The Certainty of Hope

Sometimes during the winter I feel like summer will never come. The thoughts of wearing shorts, being tan, and swimming in the lake every weekend seem so ridiculously far out of reach that I sometimes get really frustrated and down, and spend more time than is probably healthy wishing for summer instead of appreciating the moment I am in. If I had it my way, winter wouldn't exist. I would never have to wear a coat, scrape ice off my car, or feel the piercing wind through my 5 layers of clothes. But, just when I think I just can't handle the cold anymore, spring comes. It always comes. That first morning you walk out of your house and aren't absolutely freezing. That first afternoon where it's too warm for your coat and the sun has warmed your car for when you get in. Those first few blossoms on the trees and the first spurts of grass that start to grow...hope springs. Hope of warmer weather and summer nights and longer days. And all the despair and unpleasantness of winter slowly starts to fade away and become nothing but a memory.
This is what God does in our lives. Constantly. When we are in a season of despair, discouragement, and uncertainty, sometimes it feels like relief may never come-- that those warmer days are impossible to even imagine. We fall away from God and forget to thank Him for our blessings, and we find ourselves praying to be delivered from the valley instead of clinging to the Shepherd for strength and refuge. But then, at just the right moment, we see that first blossom. We smell fresh cut grass and hear birds chirping. We realize that maybe hope isn't that far away. But it was always there. We always know spring is coming. And, in the same way, we can know that hope is always there, because HE is our hope. He never fails, and His mercies are new every morning. Don't let yourself be blinded by the snow, wind, or rain of the season you're in. He is there through it all. If there was no winter, we wouldn't appreciate the summer as much. Thank Him for it, learn from it, trust in His promises, and cling to the hope that He will bring you through to better, warmer days. He is always making things new. That's what He does, that's who He is, and you can rely on Him to do it--in His time.

"For I am confident of this very thing: that He who began a good work in you will perfect it unto the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

Peace in the Storm

Peace for me is to rest in the eye of the storm.
There is chaos- wind, waves, and rain- all around me
But I am here in Your arms, trusting
For Your plan is sovereign
And it is good.
You are teaching me that Your plan is best
And the more I strive for my own,
The more I venture out into the storm.
To surrender my plan keeps me in Yours,
Keeps me in the eye of the storm.
I don't get ahead of myself,
I don't worry about outcomes,
I just trust.
And trust brings freedom
Because in the chaos, I have no control.
I hate chaos and I hate being out of control,
So why do I go out into the storm
Expecting a different outcome?
I am always more at peace
When I stay in the eye, His eye
Always under His watch and care,
Resting in His vision and plan.
Oh let it be,
Let me be washed by the storm,
Washed clean of my plans--
To rest in the eye of the storm
Where Your plan prevails,
And where peace abounds.
♥

♥ > hate

Okay I just have to say this: people are ignorant and infuriating. Let me clarify. When I come across people who are hypocritical, judgmental, and rude, I become infuriated at their lack of empathy and understanding. I guess that's what happens to you when you are surrounding by mostly loving, understanding, non-judgmental counselors for 2 years, and then are obligated to be around other individuals in other areas of your life that do not share the same basic ideas about humanity. And you become frustrated because no one sees things through your eyes like other counselors do. Now, don't get me wrong, there are some pretty open-minded, loving individuals out there who are not counselors, but from my experience they are few and far between, and I wouldn't trade my experience over the past 2 years and the people I have met who have challenged me and help me grow for anything in this world.

I will admit, when I first started grad school with intentions to just get my Master's in Counseling and get out, I was not as open minded as I hoped to become, and I was not (and am not now) perfect. But I will also admit that I have grown and changed more in these past 2 years than probably ever before in my life. Not only have I grown in my faith in God (through hardship and being forced back into His arms by difficulties), but I have grown as a human being and as a counselor. And one thing that both of those areas of growth have informed me of is this: If Christians are what a lot of the world perceives them to be, I don't want to be one. Now, that being said, I will say that I don't believe that true Christians who have a growing relationship with Christ are as they are thought to be by most. The problem is the vast number of "Christians" (and I put that in quotations to emphasize that either they don't know what it means or they aren't living it if they do) don't actually live anything like Christ.

I have become hypersensitive to and even offended by comments, phrases, labels, and jokes that are directed at any non-dominant, minority population (including blacks, gays, lesbians, Asians, Indian, Arab, or any other population) that is underrepresented and misunderstood. When people I know say negative, degrading things about these groups, verbalize ignorant stereotypes, or judge based on looks, I can literally feel the anger boiling up inside me. It is all I can do not to just take people by the shoulders and shake them and say "Do you hear what you are saying?? That is a child of God you are talking about!!" Not that it would do any good. Unfortunately, many Christians think that for some reason, even though God has given them grace and forgiven them their sins, they are not obligated to extend this grace to others. They think that if someone is doing wrong in their sight, then to judge them is not a sin. Well, they are wrong. I am not saying that I have never judged or looked down on someone in the past, but I am also realizing how wrong it was. Jesus Christ himself was the most loving, non-judgmental, accepting person that ever walked this planet, and I guarantee you that if He were physically here on Earth today, those groups are the exact ones that he would be spending his time with. Just look at his ministry in any of the 4 gospels. He didn't hang out with the most privileged, rich, well-to-do, or popular people that everyone accepted. He ate meals with prostitutes, tax collectors, and others who were considered outcasts or different. Why should we as his followers be any different?? Why should we ever be caught judging or deeming ourselves better than anyone? How repulsive a human race we have become!

I guess when you have sat in a room with a broken, misunderstood, and depressed gay college student who just wants someone to understand him and not judge him based on what they see, and who has been on the verge of committing suicide because of how he has been tormented by what our world would label "good kids"...your heart is literally ripped out of your chest at his tears, and it is everything you can do not to hold him as he weeps--these things come a little easier and with more conviction. No human being should ever have to experience that. No matter what. It is so wrong. I don't expect everyone to understand or even agree with me. All I'm saying is that if you say you believe in love and grace in the name of Christ, it has to go for everyone. You don't get to pick. Just because your sins are forgiven, doesn't mean you have a reason to judge others or hate anyone. "ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23) You are no better than anyone. God offers salvation to everyone equally. Stop the hate, especially the hate that is in the name of God. The great Redeemer would be ashamed. Love is the only thing that truly heals.

Change is good

Seriously, woah. in 3 months and 8 days, I will be done with my Master's. I will be out of grad school and into the "real world" (as if working/going to class 50+ hours a week isn't the real world...ha). I cannot believe it's so close. I absolutely cannot wait.

Also, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. It's both a scary and exciting thing at the same time. I enjoy doing therapy, and I love all my clients, but I'm starting to wonder if it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. They say the burnout rate for counseling is 5 years. So basically, after the next 3 months, I'll be halfway there (fantastic). Not to mention I am feeling a strong calling from the Lord into some sort of ministry. I have always been interested in women's ministries, ever since I volunteered at a crisis pregnancy center in college. I know I want to help people, and I can feel God drawing me into something big, but I'm not sure what it is yet. I am ready for it though!! I like to look at it as not closing any doors, but opening a whole bunch of new ones, which is pretty freeing if you ask me. I have the world at my fingertips, a (almost) Master's degree, a ton of really great experience, and a heart full of passion for God and people.
I have some really good contacts and Jake and I have started looking for a new place, and I can totally feel God working in my life...it's amazing!

I have come to decide that I like change. I never used to be like that, but recently I've been realizing that change keeps you on your toes, constantly brings new opportunities, challenges, and experiences, and who doesn't enjoy that?! I'm also learning to trust and relax a little more. I've come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. I am so happy and anticipatory of all the good things to come. God's faithfulness will always amaze me ♥

The Force of Change

Funny how just listening to a song can totally take you back, take you out of reality and into another place and time when things were totally different. Not necessarily better, just different. A high school crush, a college summer, a first date, a difficult time in your life, or a moment of clarity. I find that so many of my memories are tied to songs, and when I hear them, I am literally transported as if in a time machine, and start to feel things, think things, and wonder about things. I trust God, and I see how His hand has been at work all my life in all things, and when I hear certain songs it makes me wonder at all I've been through, how faithful He has been, and how much things have changed. Sometimes I find myself longing for past times, when things were easier or more simple, or when things made more sense. I think about when I first fell in love, or when relationships were in the beginning stages, or when friends came and went...and I am struck by the force of change. Change can be subtle, slinking its way into your life a little at a time without you even realizing it until you look back and realize how far you've come..or it can come crashing in like a hurricane, turning everything upside down and rearranging all your plans. I can't decide which I prefer. At least in a hurricane, you know things are going to change and you can maybe prepare or at least do damage control (and it doesn't catch you off guard), but with gradual change, it sneaks up on you (and personally, I CANNOT STAND IT when people or things sneak up on and startle me), and you really are kind of helpless and just have to go with it. I guess each equally brings change, so it doesn't really matter.

Divorce sucks. That's one kind of change that is just really awful no matter how you look at it. Granted, I trust that God will do something good with it and bring healing and show His faithfulness throughout it (because that's just what he does), but that doesn't make it easier in the moment. I've seen the 2 couples I love most divorce and it breaks my heart. My mom is still dealing with repercussions years later, and I can only pray that my sister will heal more quickly and with less pain. And I pray God's protection over the children. It just sucks. Throughout it all, I'm thankful that God is in control as always. And even though not everything makes sense at the time, just like any change, one day we'll all look back and it will be clear.

Speaking of change, I am tired of friends who come and go. Just stay. Be loyal, authentic, and honest. Or leave because you choose to, but don't blame me.

I can't quite figure out how I have managed to talk about the change I want to see in my life for the past year and a half, but have yet to do anything about it. I have truly felt inspired, energized, and encouraged, with inspiration to do things differently, and just live differently, but have managed to remain in my comfort zone. Well it's not good enough for me. I have to be the person I want to be now. No more excuses. I want change to take over. I am ready.

No Pressure

It is early. It is 8:30 am, I ran out of coffee 15 minutes ago, and I have 8 hours of work ahead of me. Of course, when I say "work" at this point in the semester, I really mean sitting in the office reading for pleasure, playing on Pinterest, and occasionally answering the phone if it rings. Things are pretty quiet here once all the students are gone.
When I'm here by myself for long periods of time, I have a lot of time to think. This morning, in my daily devotional app on my phone, there was a quote that said "What you fear reveals where you trust God the least." Boy, did that hit me right between the eyes. I have spent way too much of my life worrying and fretting about things that are out of my control, and holding onto fears of things that God has already taken care of (or has promised to). The truth is that deep down, I guess I think that if I'm thinking about it, then I'll be prepared for whatever happens, good or bad, and it won't catch me off guard. But when I really think about it, I realize that I'm just wasting my time by not trusting God. If you haven't noticed, many of my blogs have this theme: trust. I've never been quite sure why it's always been such a hard thing for me, especially since I have such wonderful, loving people in my life who are always taking care of me. And most importantly, I have a Heavenly Father who has a plan for my life in which he has promised to prosper and not harm me, and he has promised hope. So why am I still failing to trust, or fearing the unknown, or getting impatient with things that I really shouldn't rush?
I look back on the past 2 years of my life, and granted, I never thought I'd be where I am...I had other plans. But, I also know that God has worked all this out for a reason, and even though I may not be able to see it now, it will be worth it. One day (maybe next month or maybe in a year or 2) I'll look back and that light bulb will come on...and I'll realize why things happened the way they did- questions will be answered, and God will confirm that he is, was, and always will be in control. That is comforting for me. Surprisingly, even though I'm such a control freak in my own life, knowing that I don't control my future is kind of nice, because it takes some of the pressure off. There is literally no pressure. Sure, I will always strive to do my best, follow my Lord, and live a good life, but the bottom line is that He already knows my future :)
In 5 months, I will be finished with grad school (!!!), in the process of moving out of my apartment, hopefully have a job, and who knows what else. It's kind of scary to think about the fact that I have NO plans beyond that, but really, what plans could I make? Everything is up in the air at this point. I'm just gonna try this new thing of giving it over to God, realizing that his plan is better anyways, and not worrying about it. Because let's be honest, where's that gonna get me anyways? Besides high blood pressure, anxiety, and stress? Nowhere. God is in control, he always has been, and nothing will change. This morning I am thankful for that truth.

The Masterpiece

I am so glad that God is in control. Half the time I have no idea what he is doing, but I just have to remember that he is in control, he is sovereign, and that his plan is best. The other day I got to thinking about it, and I realized that life is like a painting. When an artist is painting a picture, each individual brush stroke doesn't make sense by itself, but only in the context of the painting. So it is with life. Certain brush strokes, events, and circumstances sometimes don't make sense to us, but if we could just wait, trusting that God is at work and all the little things will soon come together into a beautiful masterpiece, we will be so much better off than when we are questioning each of the Artist's strokes. Even though there are many times when I question what is happening or why, at the end of the day I always come back to this place of peace, knowing that I don't have to worry about anything, because God's plan is so much better than mine anyways. And that's really just the bottom line. Worrying is useless, and not trusting is a waste of time. God is good, all the time. And he is making my life into a masterpiece, because he is the master artist.

Breakdown

Well, I had a breakdown last night. It's only the first week of classes and my internship and I am already in a place where I am so unbelievably stressed out and overwhelmed with things to do that I feel like there's no way I can get it all done. It's really a depressing place to be because I am obviously only human, but I feel like between teaching an undergraduate class, 4 weekly staff meetings, 20 hours of work at my graduate assistantship, 20 hours at my internship seeing clients and keeping up with case notes, taking 4 classes, reading 6 textbooks and about 15 articles, doing about 7 projects, and seeing clients at the community clinic on campus, I really think I may just collapse. There has been more than one day this week when I've considered just giving up since it's not humanly possible for me to get everything done anyways. I started in this program being so passionate about it and my career as a Marriage and Family Therapist, but I feel like over the past few months I've just been attacked or something...and then I realized why.
About 3 months ago, I had a conversation with my advisor (and since then I've shared with others as well) about the strong calling and passion I feel toward Christian counseling. It was really difficult for me because since this is not a Christian university, I was very unsure of the response I would receive. And while I was affirmed and encouraged in my path, I am starting to realize that all the little, stressful, frustrating things that have been happening since then are the work of Satan. Last night (after too many tears and a diet coke) I texted the strongest women in my life: my mom, grandmother, 2 sisters, and my best friend from college, to ask for prayer and encouragement and told them how I was feeling. Talk about support and love and prayer! I started feeling the effects of their prayers not 15 mintues later! God is so faithful!
Not only that, but my best friend from college, Katie, called me and talked me through things and offered wonderful words of encouragement and promised to pray for me. Then, my grandmother texted me back some things that I really needed to hear about how God has called me according to his plan to reach families for His name and that Satan is trying to do everything he can to stop that, because he knows my potential. I was so encouraged.
There are still moments where I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or I lose sight of the prize, but I have to keep trusting in God's plan, knowing that he has plans to prosper me, and that he will use me for his glory if I surrender my life fully to him. There is no need to worry. God will always take care of me. Even when I break down, crying like a fool while I fold my laundry (because just simply crying would be unproductive).

All or Nothing

Sometimes I really feel like in this life it's either all or nothing...either you get no sun because you used sunscreen, or you get burned because you didn't. You get a really good night's sleep or you don't sleep at all. You're super busy or super bored...now this may seem like an exaggeration, and I guess to an extent it is, but sometimes it just feels like that's the pattern. I was lying in bed last night trying to sleep (it was one of those no sleep nights for me) and I started thinking about this pattern. I heard a quote once that said something along the lines of this: "You can't give God partial Lordship over your life. Either He's Lord of everything, or He isn't Lord of anything." When I read that, it really struck a nerve with me because no matter how much I try to deny that fact or try to keep certian areas of my life to myself without surrendering them to God, the truth still stands. If I am not readily willing and able to give over every aspect of my life to Him without holding back, no matter what it means I have to change or give up, then I am not where God wants me to be. In order for him to use me, I have to be in a place of complete surrender, because otherwise I run the risk of taking credit for the things that He does through me. If there are things in my life that I can't bear to let go of or give up for the sake of my Lord, what kind of disciple am I? There should be nothing that is  more valuable to me than a relationship with Him, and a life that is pleasing to Him. And, as with many other things in life, our relationship with God has to be all or nothing. The word lordship actually means authority. If I obey part of God's words but not all of them, it's still considered disobedience. Partial lordship really isn't lordship at all. And God will never take lordship over our lives by force--he wants us to hand it over to him freely and without holding anything back.

But I Like Walks in the Park!!

Today I am faced with a new perspective on many things...and I'm finding that keeping perspective is often difficult--and painful. I am learning, slowly but surely, how to be happy no matter what the situation. I am going from being a person whose mood is easily affected by circumstances and others' actions to a person who is more independent, in control of her emotions, and who has more of a say of what mood she's in. It's been a slow process, but I can see parts of myself start to emerge that I didn't realize were there before...and I'm loving it. The cliche phrase "Too blessed to be stressed" is indeed corny, but I definitely feel like it fits for me (in the least corny way possible). Sure, there are things I could find to complain about, things that don't go my way, things I wish I could change....whatever. We all have those things. But when I look around me and at all the things God has given me, I can't help but be thankful because there is no way I could've gotten here on my own. I think sometimes it's too easy to complain about the things we can't control, and we lose sight of all the good things we have to be grateful for. I have a daily devotion app on my iPhone, and today the devotion was on just that:
"When we complain about our current situation, we remain in it; when we praise God in the midst of difficulty, He raises us out of it. The best way to start every day is with gratitude and thanksgiving. Get a jump on the devil. If you don't fill your thoughts and conversation with good things, he will definitely fill them with evil things. Truly thankful people do not complain. They are so busy being grateful for the good things that they have no time to notice the things they could complain about. Praise and thanksgiving are good; complaining and grumbling are evil." - Joyce Meyer
I don't know about you, but that really hits a nerve for me. Actually, it's more like a slap in the face. Sometimes we have to go through some things that are, lets say, less than desirable, in order to get us to where we need to be. No one wants to work out those first few times before it becomes a habit- it's hard and we're so used to being lazy. No one wants to start that 15 page research paper because the first part is always the worst. No one wants to look at their upcoming semester and know that it is going to be extremely busy and stressful--(that's me!). BUT, the end result of all of these not so fun things is completion, satisfaction, and good results from not so good activities. God never promised that our lives would be a walk in the park. (I can hear my brain saying, "but I like walks in the park!!") He did, however, promise that he would be with us every step of the way and that his grace and strength is sufficient to get us through. How much do we have to be thankful for today (and every day)?!

A Birds-Eye View

There are so many things in this life that I don't understand. One thing I know for sure is that I am so glad that God is in control and not me. There are so many things that I would do differently, or that I would not allow to happen because they are painful, but I know that God's view of things is like a birds-eye view compared to my narrow view. He sees the future and how even painful things we are going through now can help us grow and work for the good of our future. I get frustrated sometimes because I don't see how some of the things that have been happening in my family can be good for anyone. From my perspective, isn't peace better? Isn't love better than divorce? Aren't forgiveness and repentance better than pain and lies? I just don't see it. I know God is good and I'll look back in a few years and be glad that I trusted, but right now-in the moment of shock and fear and pain- I'm not glad at all. I am angry. I've heard that it's okay to be angry at God, because He can handle it, but sometimes I'm not so sure. I know He doesn't expect us to understand all that He is doing, and He knows that our sinful natures will cause us to get angry and misunderstand, but I don't know how long we are allowed to be mad for, and how we are to approach God with that emotion.
I know I am called to trust. Called to be a witness for Christ in all times...and especially in hard times when people expect us to fall or waver. If God did miracles every day, it would be easy for others to see why we believe and trust. But it's when God says to wait, or doesn't bring that miracle, and we STILL trust him and have peace during the storm that we are really a witness. That kind of peace and trust is unheard of in this world. If I can hold fast during these times, then I can (and should) be a witness for Christ anytime.
God is good. All the time. Even when I don't see what he's doing or understand his plan.
"God owes no one anything. No reasons. No explanations. Nothing. If He gave them, we couldn't understand them. God is God. He knows what He is doing. When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart." -Max Lucado

morning musings

Just a few things on my mind this morning:
1. I LOVE space heaters. I would literally freeze to death in this office every single day if I didn't have one at my feet.
2. I love summer. so much. It's full of the lake, the pool, friends, family, sunshine, lots of good food, cold drinks, coozies, days off, camping, hiking, swimming, laying out, evening walks, morning runs, and tan lines. It's just simply the best. And anyone who says they like winter better is seriously deranged.
3. Boys who still act like children do not deserve the love of woman who doesn't hold anything back. (no this is not about me, I'm venting on behalf of a friend). If you are a male and you have the strong, unwavering, trusting, caring, and undeserved love of a woman, you need to man up and stop acting like a child. If you can't treat her the way she deserves, then let her go so she can find someone who will. There's nothing I hate more in this world than seeing my friends mistreated by guys who are all perfect at first and then turn out to be a jerk just like so many others before. So many of my friends look at my relationship and tell me that they are jealous or they wish they could find a guy who treats them like Jake treats me. Well, my secret is that I didn't settle. I had plenty of chances but I knew God had something better in store for me, so I waited. And trust me, it was WELL worth it. I'm not sure where guys get the idea that they are allowed to do whatever they want and not think about how it makes others feel. When you hurt one of my friends...watch your back. That's all I'm saying.
4. I am going camping this weekend with my mom, my sister and her boyfriend, Jake, and my niece Savannah. I absolutely cannot wait!! I love camping. wooohooo!
5. Tonight is the last night of my pre-summer session night class...PTL! We have been going 4 nights a week for 3 hours at a time for the last 3 weeks...I'm so ready for it to be over! Yay so close!
6. I am so blessed. I'm sure I could find things to complain about or things that go wrong every now and then, but in all honesty, I have been blessed beyond comprehension, and I have a God who loves me more than life itself (literally, because He died for me!). I have an amazing family, and a few close friends whom I love so much. I have the hope of  a prosperous future and of heaven everlasting in my heart, and I don't have to worry about anything because my God has already won the victory, and sin has no mastery over me! Talk about blessed and having a reason to rejoice!! :)
♥

No Regrets

There are so many things in this world that fill up our time, make us busy, and demand our attention. It seems like I can never get ahead, and even when I do I know I have more work coming my way soon. We all long for a time or season to be able to do whatever we want and not have to worry about responsibility (or at least I do!). Even when I get a day off during the week I usually use it for cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking, and grocery shopping. Although, I have to admit, I don't hate that. That's what I did yesterday and I found myself wondering if I should just drop out of grad school and become a housewife :) haha ok let's be honest I'm not going to do that, but there are days when all I really want is to serve God and not have to worry about school or work. I found myself thinking last night that I don't want to look back on my life in 5, 10, 20 or 30 years and regret the way I spent my time. I don't want to wish that I had spent more time pursuing God and drawing closer to Him. I want that to be my focus now, so I don't have regrets. When this world ends and I am taken up to heaven to meet my Jesus face to face, I don't want to have to explain why I spent my time pursuing earthly pleasures and worried so much about  money and work and relationships when I should have had my focus on Him alone.

I don't know about you, but I love Carrie Underwood. How could you not? She's got it all. And she sings this one song, Wasted, that really relates to what I'm saying. Part of the lyrics are as follows:
I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waitin'
To wake up one day to find
That I let all these years go by, wasted

Where is your focus? What are you working towards, fighting for, and striving towards? It's okay to work for other things in our jobs and at school and in our families, but when those things start to come before God and replace our time and fellowship with Him, then we know our priorities are out of whack.

We are not on this earth for us. God didn't create us so that we could get great jobs, earn lots of money, and get lots of stuff. We are here for Him. We are HIS. Don't waste the time He has granted you.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

Blessings

So today I realized that it's been a while since I've posted any kind of update or any pictures that have to do with what's going on in my life...so I think it's time for that :) This isn't really in order, but just some of the happenings that have taken place since last time I updated with pictures, which was about a year ago!! The past year has been an absolute whirlwind, with graduate school, 2 jobs, an internship, friends, family, Jake, homework, bills, laundry, and cleaning...but I've had so much fun :)

 Me and my girls have spent a ton of time together, going here and there and just being crazy :) I love them and am so thankful to have met them at work, and that we are still friends and hang out, even though I no longer work with them. They are so much fun, and I love them so much!

 I have gotten to spend a lot more time with my family within the last couple of months, even thought they're still an hour and a half away...and my brother is still in Wyoming!! He'll be there for a while still, and to tell the truth I'm not sure when he'll be back in this area! :(  The more time that goes by that I'm not around my family very much, the more thankful I am for them for their love, support, and care for me, no matter what I'm going through. I honestly have the best family anyone could ask for, even though they are a bit dysfunctional at times (but then again, whose family is normal? haha). They are the reason I am who I am today ♥

I got to go to Atlanta last month and see my best friend from college, Katie. She is married now and working as a nurse there, and I hadn't seen her since CN's homecoming last October, even though we talk just about every other day. I miss her so much and it was SO good to get to see her and catch up and just have girl time :) She has been such a constant support and friend for me since we started living together freshman year of college, in August of 2007!

Jake and I have been SO blessed to not only live in the same town now for the past year, but also to have the security of at least the next year to be here. He is working at ETSU in the athletic department, and will be there until at least next July, and I finish school next May, so it works perfect! Neither of us know what the future holds, and we're trying to just wait and trust in God's timing, but for now we're just glad not to have to do long distance anymore :) He is so good to me, and I definitely don't deserve him, but I'm glad I found him! I've decided not to rush the future, but just to enjoy life and take things as they come. God is in control anyways, and I might as well just rest in His arms.

Savannah and Jackson, my precious niece and nephew, are as adorable as ever! Of course I am biased because I am their aunt, but let's be honest, look at their precious faces! It makes me sad that I don't live closer to them, but I get by on the many pictures that my sister posts, so I at least feel like I'm there. They light up my life so much and I am so thankful for them. Our family has been going through some rough times lately, and have been forced to trust God more than ever, because it really has come to a point where He's our only hope. It's extremely difficult not knowing what the future holds for any of us, but I guess that's the beauty of life...trusting God to lead you through and to guide you towards him, even through the storm.

"Marriage Doesn't Solve Your Problems"

Just so everyone knows...I found this article via Pinterest, and it's not mine. I copied it onto my blog and the woman's name and credentials are at the end. It is definitely worth the read. Such truth!

Why identity and purpose aren’t dependent on a spouse.

With all the mixed messages our world offers us about love and relationships, sometimes it's hard to imagine marriage accurately from the perspective of a single young adult. Even with all the chaos modeled in modern-day marriages all around us and the national divorce rate consistently hovering at 50 percent (with only 50 percent of those who remain married reporting that they are happy in their marriage), somehow the idea of marriage still gets idolized beyond reasonable expectations. Everyone believes their marriage will be different, looking to Hollywood dreams and fairy tale romances as their example. 

I meet with singles in my counseling practice and get emails from all over the world from young adults looking for love. They long to be married and have an insatiable desire inside their hearts to meet the significant other they can finally call "the one." It makes sense that the topic of love is such a universal obsession. God created love and has placed the desire to be loved unconditionally within each of our hearts. Marriage is a natural overflow of that desire.     

Yet within this sacred and natural pursuit of marriage, it's easy to fall into the lie that finding a spouse will be the ultimate road to happiness and great satisfaction. That all problems, fears and deficits will fade away in the presence of true love. While this may be true of God's love, let me remind you it isn't true in the world of marriage. 

There is no doubt marriage is a great blessing and that those who find a good spouse have truly found a great gift (Proverbs 18:22). Having been married for five years, I can wholeheartedly say that marriage has enriched my life in so many ways. Yet for all the things that it has done to enhance my life and stretch my love, there are still some things it will never be able to do.

Marriage doesn't erase your insecurities.

I'm not sure why young singles ever believe that it would. For some reason, the idea of being loved unconditionally by another human being sounds like it would do the trick in helping us feel better about ourselves. We fall into the belief that being married and seeing ourselves loved through the eyes of another will really teach us how to love ourselves. Wrong. So very wrong.

That way of thinking has done more harm than good to many a marriage in our world. No one has the power to deal with our inadequacies and insecurities but us. Putting those types of expectations on a spouse will only cause harm, because there is a 100 percent chance they can't change how we view ourselves.

No matter how much encouragement, affection, affirmation and validation you receive from your spouse, true security comes when you choose to see yourself through the eyes of God, not through the eyes of your significant other (or anyone else, for that matter). Relying on your spouse to fill those insatiable needs is a recipe for disaster—because no one human being has the capacity to offer you what is needed for true value and self worth. That can only come from within. True security comes from the intimacy of your relationship with God, and whatever praises and encouragement you receive outside of that are simply overflow. 

Marriage can't give you purpose.

One thing I noticed while attending a Christian college was the all-consuming search of young adults who were out to fulfill one mission in life: find a godly spouse. Don't get me wrong. I personally was on the lookout, too. But there was something behind the drive of these young people that really disturbed me. Their sole purpose in life was to catch a mate. Some of the girls even joked they were there to get their "M-R-S" degree.

Something has gone terribly wrong when young Christians believe their sole purpose in life is to find marital love. This belief is dangerous; it robs us of true joy and real purpose in life. True purpose is eternal and can never be taken away. The Bible encourages us to live this life for God's glory, to love Him and to love others in an attempt to leave His fingerprints all across this world. We are each made for a unique reason and design that may include marriage but goes far beyond its scope. Though marriage can be an incredible gift, it is a means to the end, not the end itself.

When we see relationships as the last step on our road of purpose, we find ourselves facing a wall of disappointment with nowhere left to go when we finally arrive. Marriage may be an avenue in fulfilling our purpose, but it is never the final destination. We need to seek God's purpose for our lives far beyond finding a spouse, allowing His will and His plans to be the course that guides our lives and influences our direction. Rather than asking what God can do for us, we need to look to Him in seeking what we can do for Him. In this is true purpose. And who knows? We might just run into a spouse along the way—this one I can personally vouch for—but purpose is not dependent on this possibility.

Marriage won't make you whole.

I remember watching a Beth Moore video in which she used the analogy of a cup in assessing the heart of a Christian. It’s a fitting analogy, because our emotional worlds are certainly like cups. We either feel filled or empty throughout our lives.

One thing I observe when working with young adults is that some of them have a tendency to live their lives “half-full,” not really knowing who they are, not really taking time to understand their needs. They neglect the chance to deal with their problems, habits and hang-ups, and instead seek out relationships in hopes that those relationships will fill them up and make them whole. They bring their wounds to relationships for bandaging, not realizing that two broken and wounded people cannot be the source of healing for one another.   

Marriage can be a resource of motivation and encouragement, but it can never make you whole. Your spouse cannot bring healing into your life nor renewed thinking into your mind. The road to healing must be seen as your own personal journey, one that you must walk on your own. You will never feel whole in the presence of your mate if you don't feel whole standing alone.

God's design for marriage is to bring two whole people together, giving them double the strength and double the resources to reach a lost and dying world. Now, mind you, I didn't say perfect—I said whole. We are not expected to reach perfection before marriage, because that would make for a whole lot of single people here on Earth. Yet though we can't be perfect, we can reach for healing and choose to take control of the things we can change in our lives. God grants wholeness to those who are willing.

So before you jump into a relationship with unrealistic expectations, consider where you are as a single man or woman. Are you already in a serious relationship or a marriage? It's possible that unrealistic expectations are still driving your behavior and crippling the power of that commitment. Consider how much you have allowed Jesus to bring security, purpose and healing into your life, here and now, as an individual. Rather than seeing a spouse as the missing piece to your puzzle, the road to marriage should be seen as two people figuring out the puzzle together.

Marriage is about finding a comrade, not ultimate contentment. It’s about finding a helpmate, not a healer. 

Debra K. Fileta is a licensed professional counselor specializing in relationship and marital issues. She, her husband and their daughter live in Hershey, Pa. She is currently writing her first book on dating and finding true love. Visit her blog at: www.debslessonslearned.blogspot.com.

Paradox- Nothing Should Be This Easy...Right?

There is a reason so many people resist Christianity. It's because it's not something that you or I can contain in our feeble human minds because it is the only thing on this planet that is not contingent upon what you do or don't do. It's too easy. It's too easy to just believe and be saved, and receive forgiveness for ALL your sins (past, present, and future), be reconciled to God, and have the hope of eternal life without pain or suffering. Everything in our society today is built upon merit- whether or not you deserve something based on what you did or who you are. Christianity is not based upon who you are or what you've done, but COMPLETELY reliant on who God is and what HE has done for you. Some people feel they have done so many good things in their life that they don't think it's fair that those good works don't count for anything in Christianity, and that its equally available to all people, regardless of anything. Some feel that if there is nothing they can do to deserve it, than there must be a catch of some sort. But that's just not the case here. It is, however, a paradox. The difference in Christianity and every other religion in the world is that instead of being saved BY good works, we are saved UNTO good works. The reason behind why we are saved lies in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ- something we not only don't deserve, but also that we never could have done for ourselves. If we could do it on our own, why would we even need a higher being? Why would we have this yearning deep inside for something beyond this world? When we are saved, it transforms our hearts, minds, and perspectives on sin, grace and forgiveness.We come to a place where we don't need to do good works, but we want to in light of everything that has been given to us. In the Old Testament, God's people were required to make animal sacrifices for their sins, to mourn, wear sackcloth, and throw ashes. When the old covenant was broken and the new covenant was made in Jesus, all that went out the window. God does not want us to mourn, weep, or be shameful over our sin to the point of sorrow. That's why he sent his Son. Whether you are a Christian (which means you have accepted the free gift of forgiveness and salvation offered through Jesus Christ) or not (in which case all you have to do is accept the gift- it's that simple), HE ALREADY PAID FOR IT. Not that he doesn't want us to be sorry for our sin and turn from it, but he doesn't want us to waste our time wallowing in it when there is a lost and dying world out there waiting to hear about the love of God. When we spend excessive amounts of time weeping over our sins, begging for forgiveness, and telling God how sorry we are, it's like a child who has broken a window, his parents fix it for him without punishing him, but then the child continues to apologize for his wrongdoing, regardless of the fact that the parents are not mad. Now, that is a weak analogy I know, but the idea here is not that repentance, confession, and regret over sin is out of place, but that they shouldn't be on the forefront of a Christian's mind because those sins have already been wiped out by the blood of Christ. This is also not a license to sin. When you are truly saved and seeking God with all your heart, you will never use the grace of God as justification or an excuse to sin. In your heart, if you are in God's will, sin will be repulsive to you, and you won't want to participate in it because of how much it grieves the heart of the One who loves you more than you could ever know.
There are still some moments where I think I should "live a better life" or "do more good things" so that I don't have to feel so bad about this wonderful gift that has been given to me through God's Son. But that was not God's intention. He wants us to be grateful for the gift, and moved to action by the surpassing greatness of his grace...moved into action to reach others. That is the main reason we are here on this earth anyways. We're just supposed to BE- to bask in his love and let it encompass us, recognizing that we didn't earn or deserve it, to know that it was the most expensive gift ever, and to let the extravagance of that gift spur us on in our daily lives, as we strive to open others' eyes to the love and grace of God.

The Edge

I feel like I'm on edge of something...I'm not sure if it's the edge of something good or something bad, but in my heart I feel like I am on the brink of something big. I don't know how it's going to manifest itself, or if it's actually going to be something small and I won't even notice it, but I can sense some sort of change coming. And oh, how ready I am for change. I have been living my life totally wrong...not terrible or anything, just not up to par. I have all of these values in my heart and mind of how I want to live, and the kind of  person that I want to be, but lately I've been more of a robot than anything. I have been going through the motions but all the while disregarding my own personal needs and desires while I get through school and work and try to please others. Well, I'm about to collapse. I need change, and I need it fast.
I'm feeling emotionally and mentally energized, but at then also physically exhausted. It's kind of a strange feeling. I want to go climb a mountain, but at the same time I want to go sleep for days.
I want to live my life for God. At the end of the day, nothing else matters, and I know that now more than ever. I look around me and there are people everywhere living their lives without hope of any life after death or any hope at all really...they are just trying to get everything out of life that they can right now, and I have gotten caught up in that mindset for a while. I've had a pity party (or few) for myself recently, thinking about how I don't have that many close friends in this area, I am working so hard and don't have much savings to show for it, or whatever. I get jealous over stupid things, I compare myself to others, and I am impatient. Most people that know me would never know that I struggle with these things, because I put on a pretty good front. But then there are days when I stand in front of the mirror and literally ask myself, "who am I?" I do not like the person staring back at me and what I have become, and I am ready to do something about it. I don't have a plan or steps to go through, but all I know is that I want to find myself again. I want to be true to myself, and stop living my life to please others, or letting my happiness depend on what others do or don't do. Why have I been giving others power over how I feel emotionally? Why would I give the power over my happiness to someone else? Their opinion is nothing more than a conceptual idea and only has power over my emotions if I agree to it...I feel insecure because I have based my self worth on what my boyfriend and my friends happen to be thinking of me in a particular moment. That is SO unhealthy!!
I am loved. I am adored. My Father is pursuing me, but I have chosen to run the other direction because I've been thinking that I had my own ways of making myself happy. Well, I've come to realize that my ways always fall short. I am not happy. I am discontent. This is not who I want to be.

So, I'm not sure what I'm on the edge of, but I know I wanna jump. I am ready for this routine, this exhaustion, this whole going through the motions thing to be over. I want to be satisfied, happy, carefree, and secure in who I am. I have everything I need to get there, but instead I've chosen other routes that are more self-deprecating than anything. They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step. I guess I'm there. I'm taking that first step, over the edge, and I'm ready to free fall into the unknown. It's all about trust in the end anyways. What's the point in saying that I love God if I don't trust him with every aspect of my  life?
Sometimes I catch myself trying to make myself comfortable, to take away the things that scare me and get myself in a position where I don't have to worry about anything....

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through." -Francis Chan, Crazy Love

Freedom in Truth

Do not ever underestimate the saying "The truth will set you free." It is so true, and I have come to know that even more so than I ever have in the past 3 or 4 days. I have been struggling with many issues and have been extremely challenged in my faith and personal growth since starting the counseling program at ETSU. I have had a hard time finding where I fit as a counselor who also identifies as a Christian. I always thought that as long as I didn't let my personal beliefs affect the way I viewed or treated clients, that's all that matters. But some of the professors here disagree. (Don't get me wrong, some of them encourage me to find what fits for me and to stay true to my beliefs if they are important to me, but others, not so much). But I have had more than one professor say that I need to learn to embrace and celebrate the lifestyle of others, because if I disagree with something that someone does, it is not enough just to tolerate or accept them, and I can't be an effective counselor unless I agree with what they are doing and celebrate it. My question is, what if you have a client that is a serial killer or child molester? Should you celebrate their lifestyle? Of course not. People all over the world are going to do things that we disagree with or don't like, but that doesn't mean we have to treat them any differently or be afraid of them. We are all called as Christians to show unconditional love and acceptance of others, no matter what. Jesus himself spent his time with those society deemed unclean or not worth a second look. Nowhere in the Bible or in Christianity will you see someone justify shunning those who are different or who participate in sin. (Granted, there are "churches" and "Christians" who make signs and picket against all kinds of people saying that God hates them and that they are going to hell, but I can ASSURE you, God is NOT pleased with their behavior, and nowhere in the Bible does it justify mistreating others or condemning them). We are ALL sinful in our own ways. If Christ had done what some "Christians" are doing and condemned those who are living in sin without ministering to them and showing them love, we would all be doomed to hell.

For the longest time, I felt pressure to conform to what my professors thought, and to say that I can agree with clients' behavior, and I actually came to a point where I shared my newly changed thoughts on those things. And now I am ashamed. I am in the minority in my program because I claim to be a Christian. If I do not stand up for what I believe in, then what right do I have to call myself a Christian? If I so easily bend and break because of the pressure and guilt placed on me by those who do not understand my beliefs or faith, then I need to re-evaluate myself. I will no longer budge. I have absolutely no problem counseling anyone from any faith, religion, background, economic standing, ethnic group, race, or sexual orientation, or anyone with legal problems, criminal records, etc. But that does not mean that I will agree with their beliefs, their choices, or the way they live their life. The issue is that I am a strong enough person and I can differentiate my personal beliefs from my role as a counselor. My beliefs do not have to play a role in the counseling session, and they won't if I find myself in a secular counseling agency in the future. In my opinion, if all counselors believe the same thing, and no one has any of their own personal beliefs, then what good are we? God did not call me into counseling so that I could change my beliefs and compromise my standards. He wanted me to stand up for what I believe in while gaining the skills and knowledge to counsel and help others from a Christian perspective. I finally feel free to be who I am, knowing that it is good enough, and at the end of the day, my purpose on this earth is not to please my professors, my clients, my colleagues, or myself, but to bring glory to God and show others his love. I knew in my heart that I was lying to myself when I conformed to the beliefs of those around me, but now that I have come to this realization, I am free.

One Day

Today has been so discouraging. I have cried. A lot. I have vented to friends, I have prayed, I have done multiple things that should help, but nothing seems to. Sometimes it's hard to cling to the promises of God when I'm feeling down, because even though I know they're always true and He will never change, sometimes those promises don't dry my tears that come from hurt, fear, frustration, and anger. They do however, soothe my heart, reminding me that this life is temporary, and I have SO much more to look forward to. THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS. That is one promise that always makes me feel better. God is so good. Even right now, when I'm still angry, still hurt, and still questioning the future, He is still good. He always is.
I am, however, going to vent. Some people can be so inconsiderate. It amazes me how people in this culture (where Christianity is the dominant religion) think it's okay to bash Christianity because they don't understand it or don't agree with it. And unfortunately, no one will say anything about it. But if I were to get on Facebook and bash another religion, people would be all over me saying that I was prejudice and discriminating. But because there's so many people that hate Christians, it's okay to bash it apparently. The funniest/worst part about it is that the person that keeps posting this stuff is in the counseling program, supposedly learning to be objective and not judge people based on their religion, race, or anything else. Apparently you're not learning a whole lot...
It also kills me that I have tried SO hard, and done my absolute best to make sure that my beliefs don't affect the way I view others or counsel clients, and I feel like I have done a really good job with learning to accept colleagues and be friends with them no matter what they believe. I guess I just feel like since I have made such an effort to respect you, you should respect me too. But I know I can't control others and I just accept the way things are, even if I feel like I deserve better. Oh well, such is life.

There have been a few other things that have happened today that have been discouraging, but at the end of the day, I'm so thankful for my Father and all of his amazing promises. When I am down and feeling discouraged and spiritually attacked, all I have to do is remind myself of the hope I have in Him, and that one day, all tears will be wiped away and there will be no more pain, because I will see my Jesus face to face, and there will be nothing but joy. And no one can take that away from me :)

almost. there.

I just realized that in about 2 months, I will be halfway done with grad school. Whaaattt??!! I literally feel like it was yesterday that I was applying for grad school, assistantships, and praying about where I should be. Crazy how time flies. I'm excited though! Grad school is so different from college, and not necessarily one of those places that you want to stay for a long period of time. I'm enjoying it, but I know when it comes time for me to be done, I'm gonna be gone! I'm ready to just have a job, have evenings and weekends free, and start a life with Jake :)

As I sit here in my office at my GA on campus, I caught a whiff of something that reminded me of the beach...and then I realized it was me. I caved and went to the tanning bed yesterday (but I'm only going for 7 days because I got a coupon in the mail and it's free--why would I pass that up? It's my reward for having to work over spring break and not being able to go to the beach for the first time in 4 years) and I maybe kinda sorta got a little red. Let's face it, my skin hasn't really seen the sun since October (when I went to the tanning bed for a month) and then before that it was August. So needless to say I was pretty pasty, and now I'm a little red, so this morning after I showered, I used my after sun lotion, and it reminds me of the beach :)) I would give just about anything to be there right now, but I guess this is just the way life goes!

I am currently conjuring up in my head different plans for vacation for this summer...the possibilities are endless! I can't wait. Summer pleeeaaseeee hurry!! :)

Freedom

Can I just go ahead and talk about how amazing my God is?! He truly goes above and beyond what I ask, every time. He knows exactly what I need, and doesn't just give me that, but also gives me things that I want as well, even without me asking. The past few months have been a difficult time for our family, and there's been drama and anger and feelings of hurt and lots of other things going on. For a while I just wanted to tap out and say that I was finished with it all. My dad wasn't speaking to any of us, my mom blamed everything on him, all I heard was negative things about my dad, and I honestly wouldn't have minded if God had called me overseas to do missions. After 2 months of my dad not speaking to us, my sister Holly and I decided enough was enough and we called him up and said we were coming for a visit. Long story short, we went to his house and got everything out into the open. We didn't mince words, sugarcoat anything, or hold back our tears or anger. I think it was good for my dad to see us so emotional, and to see that we still need him as a father, and he actually got emotional as well. Of course we all don't see eye to eye on everything, but in the end it was a great conversation, there were apologies from both sides, and we talked about where to go from here.

Needless to say, I was pretty happy and glad that God had blessed our request...then I got a text from my mom on my way back home (to my home in Johnson City). She then called me and talked to me for an hour. I cried, felt helpless, and was angry in the face of lies, deceit, and lots of other misunderstandings that were just plain confusing. I told her I was done with the whole situation. I can't make my parents get along, and honestly it's not my responsibility. The next morning, I wrote her a letter and was very sweet, just saying the truth...that I love her and I'm praying for her and also for this situation to be resolved soon, but I can no longer talk about dad or the situation with her anymore, for the sake of my health and sanity. We never make any progress anyways, and I always end up feeling upset and guilty. I struggled at first, because I thought she would get mad at me and not understand, and then I also felt guilty because I know sometimes she gets lonely and needs someone to talk to, but in the end I realized that sometimes a person needs to do what is best for them, especially if they are being damaged by a situation (as I was/am). I've always been a people-pleaser, and I've got to learn to let that go.

Well, as usual, God blew me out of the water. When I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday (the day I sent the email) she was nice, sweet, and her usual happy self. She didn't bring any issues up, and we just had a normal conversation. It was wonderful!! This may sound silly, and it's not as if anything ground-breaking happened (at least not in the eyes of most people) but I think this might be a small step of progress that our family has needed for a really long time. I finally realized that I don't have to control things, and that God is in control of everything. Also, I have freedom in Jesus Christ, and no situation, person, thought or emotion can control me unless I let it. What an amazing thought. I am so ready to get on with my life, not take part in the family drama, and just be happy and free of worry :)

Letting Go

Lord teach me to not hold onto anger.

I read a quote today and it said "He who angers you conquers you." (Elizabeth Kenny). It really struck a cord with me because I have been angry about something for over a month now, which, if you know me, is a big deal. I usually talk things out, get them in the open, deal with them, and then move on. But sometimes I just get tired of being the bigger person, and sometimes I just want the "adult" in this situation who inflicted a lot of hurt and acted like a jerk to grow up, own up to his mistakes, and apologize. But let's be honest, that's never happened before, and I'm not sure why I expect it now. Because I am so used to dealing with my anger or hurt within a day or two, this has been eating away at me and I'm not quite sure what to do with these feelings. Underneath all this anger is a TON of hurt. Although I know I had a good reason to be angry, I still don't like the feeling. I am aching to address this and get it over with, but I guess some part of me is still hoping that one day I'll matter more than his pride...that it'll be me he chooses this time instead of just walking away when conflict arises.

I've never felt these feelings of abandonment and pain this strong before. And I'm tired of people taking up for him. He chose to walk away 6 years ago when I was still in high school, and to this day that's still his response whenever something doesn't go his way or things get hard. I'm not sure why I have hope, or why I've ever expected him to change. My own brother told me that I shouldn't be surprised by his actions and said "Hannah he's never stood up for anything or anyone in his life...why do you expect it now?" I guess I just like to give people the benefit of the doubt, even when they don't deserve it. Unfortunately it always ends up hurting me. I don't want to be angry anymore, but I'm not quite sure how to let it go.

How long do you give the other person to own up to their mistakes? I don't want to be one of those kids who doesn't ever speak to their dad again. I want him to start caring and act like a man who loves his children and grandchildren, instead of choosing his pride over us.

God's Plan for Your Mate

2 posts in one day?? It appears that procrastination has gotten the best of me! But seriously,

I found this on a friend's facebook quote page, and couldn't help but share it! This is such great perspective, and provoked a lot of thought within me :)

God’s Plan for Your Mate:
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone – to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to a Christian says, “No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by Me alone. I love you my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me – exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing – one that you can’t imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you – just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest thing – keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you… you must wait. Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I’ve given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And, then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied, exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me… and this perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty, Believe and be satisfied."

♥ ♥ ♥

appointments

This post is a little ironic...just to warn you.

This semester is the craziest one of my life, ever. When I was applying for grad school and going through the interview process and whatnot, I didn't really know what to expect. I was still in college, in my senior year (and for anyone who's been there, you know that by that time you really don't care about anything but graduation and not being in school anymore, so you don't really do homework or if you do its just a burden. all excitement for learning has long come and gone). I didn't know what grad school would be like, but I knew that I had to go (because, honestly, what can you do with a psychology degree and only a small amount of experience...that's right, nothing) and I wanted to go because I want to become a therapist. (That's such a grown-up word...therapist. I don't know why I feel that way, but I don't feel like I will ever be a "therapist," and people will always view me as a "counselor" instead- which, by the way, is quite different- since I look so young). Anyways, I came into grad school and my first semester was fabulous. I made lots of new friends, enjoyed my classes, and although I was busy, I still had free time and was still able to breathe.

This semester, however, things have changed. I no longer have free time, and breathing...well let's just say if it didn't come naturally without thinking about it, I would probably die because I don't have time to think about that. Not only do I have a full graduate assistantship at school (where I work 20 hours a week, teach an undergrad class, and my tuition is paid for plus a stipend--TOTALLY worth it by the way), 12 hours of classes (and only 9 is considered full time for grad school), lots of homework including an average of 10 chapters of various books to read per week, a weekend job that takes up my Friday and Saturday nights, I also have added an internship this semester that takes up the remaining 10 hours of my week that I'm not sleeping (which isn't much these days). Sounds like fun, right!?

Grad school is wonderful. Sounds like an oxymoron, but really, I'm loving it. Every class that I'm in is intriguing and interesting and I am getting to practice and hone my skills as a therapist (still sounds weird to me haha!) And being busy isn't so bad, because it makes things go by quicker than normal. Currently, I'm sitting in my office at school because there still aren't many students needing appointments since class just started, and although I should be reading, obviously, I am not.

Oh, and back to the title of this post...my sister texted me on Sunday and asked me if we could talk on the phone this week and catch up, and I quite literally had to make an appointment. I had to look at my schedule and find a time for a 30 min- 1 hour phone convo. Let's just say I have yet to fit it in. Yikes.

So despite how busy I am, I am sitting here, procrastinating, talking about how busy I am, instead of actually doing something productive, ironically enough. One would think that when you get out of college you grow up a little in that area, but let's be honest, I am as responsible as they come, but sometimes you just need to zone out for a while. I think I'm done now. Back to the grind :)

a new perspective

Okay, so I know that there have been multiple times in the past where I've written about my relationships and conflict and how I'm so ready to know the future and be sure of everything. And it's not that when I felt those things back then that they weren't real...but now I just have a brand new perspective on things and God has completely opened my eyes to something I've been failing to see for a long time. I over-analyze things. That is no secret. But it's not something that I'm proud of. I've come to realize that over-thinking, analyzing, and thinking catastrophically does not help anything, but it just makes it all worse.

On a side note, my new addiction is Pinterest. There are SO many good ideas, quotes, pictures, crafts, and other inspirational things on there, and it just makes me want to go live life, make creative things, and just be more awesome. But the other day I saw this quote on there, and it really caught my attention:

"No guy is worth your tears, and when you finally find one who is, he'll never make you cry."

I became extremely frustrated when I read this. What kind of fairy tale world are girls today living in? There is no perfect relationship. Love is hard. It takes work, sacrifice, and sometimes you get hurt. People are human and they make mistakes. I have an incredible relationship with an amazing guy, but that doesn't mean I never get hurt. Having a happy, lasting, loving relationship does not mean you never argue or get hurt...it means you love someone enough to tell them when you're hurt, and they do the same, and you both care enough to work on it and make it right because they're worth it. Girls need to get rid of their list of the perfect guy, and stop thinking that relationships don't require work or that if you fight it's not meant to be. Sometimes true love comes with a few tears.
This is really not me trying to be negative or crush little girls' dreams of finding their prince charming. I'm just trying to be realistic and say that if you expect perfection or to never get hurt, you will be more disappointed than if you understand what you deserve, but can also admit that it's okay to get hurt sometimes. Conflict (and the resolution thereof) can often bring people closer together because once you listen and and open up to another in honesty, you come to a greater level of understanding that is better than anything else. There is no growth without struggle.

We don't expect perfection from ourselves, and we hope and expect that others will understand and forgive us when we mess up, so why is it so hard for us to do that for others?

It's okay that I don't have everything figured out, that I still wonder about certain things, and that sometimes I feel confused. I don't have to have it all figured out right now. The time will come in the future, but it's not now, and I need to stop worrying about it. I need to learn to take life as it comes instead of trying to conquer it before it hits me. I can't control anything but myself, and I need to stop thinking that having control will make things better. God knows what is best for me. The beauty in all this is that He knows EXACTLY where I will be in 5 years, whether I will be married, to whom, if I'll have kids, where I'll be working, and everything else. I'd rather him know than me. He's got this. I just gotta relax and trust :)

Rude People

Ok I just need to vent for one second. (Let's be honest, it's already been a second, but no one expected this to last that long anyways). I cannot stand rude people. Inconsiderate people who don't care about anyone's feelings but their own, and who are so caught up in their own lives that they cannot even see the people around them who are their "friends" or who are fellow professionals who deserve respect. I hope that I have never treated anyone with as much disrespect and lack of manners as I have been treated with this week. Do I not deserve that? I wouldn't wish that stuff on my worst enemy. Some people just need to grow up and realize that we are all humans, and no one is better than anyone else, no matter who you think you are.

I have been yelled at, ignored, had eyes rolled at me, and I'm sure plenty of other things that I am unaware of....and the funny part is, all of those people that treated me that way, I was extremely nice to. And I don't even care about them personally! What is this world coming to?! Apparently parents are failing at teaching their kids respect for other humans and learning to treat others kindly, especially if you don't know them.

My thoughts are this: if you are THAT unhappy, to where you can't even smile at and be patient with a stranger who is trying to help you, or respond to your "friend" that you say you care about so much, then honestly I feel sorry for you. That is all.
I feel better now.