The Edge

I feel like I'm on edge of something...I'm not sure if it's the edge of something good or something bad, but in my heart I feel like I am on the brink of something big. I don't know how it's going to manifest itself, or if it's actually going to be something small and I won't even notice it, but I can sense some sort of change coming. And oh, how ready I am for change. I have been living my life totally wrong...not terrible or anything, just not up to par. I have all of these values in my heart and mind of how I want to live, and the kind of  person that I want to be, but lately I've been more of a robot than anything. I have been going through the motions but all the while disregarding my own personal needs and desires while I get through school and work and try to please others. Well, I'm about to collapse. I need change, and I need it fast.
I'm feeling emotionally and mentally energized, but at then also physically exhausted. It's kind of a strange feeling. I want to go climb a mountain, but at the same time I want to go sleep for days.
I want to live my life for God. At the end of the day, nothing else matters, and I know that now more than ever. I look around me and there are people everywhere living their lives without hope of any life after death or any hope at all really...they are just trying to get everything out of life that they can right now, and I have gotten caught up in that mindset for a while. I've had a pity party (or few) for myself recently, thinking about how I don't have that many close friends in this area, I am working so hard and don't have much savings to show for it, or whatever. I get jealous over stupid things, I compare myself to others, and I am impatient. Most people that know me would never know that I struggle with these things, because I put on a pretty good front. But then there are days when I stand in front of the mirror and literally ask myself, "who am I?" I do not like the person staring back at me and what I have become, and I am ready to do something about it. I don't have a plan or steps to go through, but all I know is that I want to find myself again. I want to be true to myself, and stop living my life to please others, or letting my happiness depend on what others do or don't do. Why have I been giving others power over how I feel emotionally? Why would I give the power over my happiness to someone else? Their opinion is nothing more than a conceptual idea and only has power over my emotions if I agree to it...I feel insecure because I have based my self worth on what my boyfriend and my friends happen to be thinking of me in a particular moment. That is SO unhealthy!!
I am loved. I am adored. My Father is pursuing me, but I have chosen to run the other direction because I've been thinking that I had my own ways of making myself happy. Well, I've come to realize that my ways always fall short. I am not happy. I am discontent. This is not who I want to be.

So, I'm not sure what I'm on the edge of, but I know I wanna jump. I am ready for this routine, this exhaustion, this whole going through the motions thing to be over. I want to be satisfied, happy, carefree, and secure in who I am. I have everything I need to get there, but instead I've chosen other routes that are more self-deprecating than anything. They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step. I guess I'm there. I'm taking that first step, over the edge, and I'm ready to free fall into the unknown. It's all about trust in the end anyways. What's the point in saying that I love God if I don't trust him with every aspect of my  life?
Sometimes I catch myself trying to make myself comfortable, to take away the things that scare me and get myself in a position where I don't have to worry about anything....

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through." -Francis Chan, Crazy Love