You'll Spoil Your Dinner! [Learning not to let earthly pleasures spoil our appetite for God's will]

Last night, I laid awake in my bed, tossing and turning, until after 12:30 am. Considering the fact that I aim to be in bed anywhere from 9:30-10 pm, you can imagine my frustration. Anyways, the longer I laid there, the more frustrated I became because I felt tired, but still couldn't fall asleep, which is the most infuriating kind of sleeplessness. I thought, "I didn't have caffeine, I worked all day, I exercised, and then.....oh. That's it. I took a nap." I immediately regretted it as my body longed for rest that would not come when I wanted it most. But then again, at the time of the nap, that was all I could think about--how tired I was and how much I wanted to rest. (Which, by the way, makes me regret all those naps I didn't want to take when I was younger. Sorry Mom!---speaking of my Mom, I'll admit that on my way home from work yesterday, she and I talked and she specifically said "Don't nap for longer than 30 minutes because then you won't sleep tonight!" to which of course I thought to myself "No way, I'm so tired I could take a nap and sleep tonight." And again, Mothers are always right!)
So, as I'm laying in bed not sleeping, I began contemplating naps. They're kind of like having an afternoon snack. What's the main reason parents don't want their kids to eat a snack when they get home from school? Because they'll spoil their appetite of course. (Don't worry, this post is not about naps or afternoon snacks...well, not really). But at the time when the kid feels ravenous after being at school all day, all they want is a snack, and their first pick is usually not the healthiest thing on the menu. They usually go for something less healthy, although satisfying in the moment, that will  typically ruin their appetite for the delicious meal that has been prepared for them. The snack probably tastes like perfection on a plate (or in a bowl) while being consumed, but is fleeting and only takes up space in their bellies, causing them to get less true sustenance once the meal actually comes.

But isn't that what we do with God? We get impatient, we don't want to wait on His will for our lives. So we try to figure it out ourselves, or fall into something that is tempting and although may make us happy in the moment, does not meet the full potential of what He has planned for us. We think that it won't hurt anything, or that no one will know, or even worse, "Maybe this is actually God's will for my life!" just because we want it so bad. We are experts at convincing ourselves that the ice creams and the Little Debbie's that we crave so bad in the moment are actually the best that God has for us, so we settle. We're too focused on what that snack is going to taste like or how the nap is going to make us feel than we are on the benefits of waiting for a balanced meal or a good night's sleep. Sometimes, even though cookie cake might be our favorite thing in the whole wide world, it's not what we're meant to fill our bellies with-- and it will probably make us sick if we do!
I don't mean to be trivial and compare God's sovereign plan for our lives to food and sleep, but as humans, those are 2 basic needs we have to have met in order to survive. But if I had to choose, I'd much rather live a healthy, balanced life than to live off junk food and random naps. God has so much good in store for us, He says so Himself! But when we get so caught up in our momentary and transient wants that we lose sight of the lasting and truly fulfilling blessings God already has for us, we can miss out on so much! We jump ahead of God without waiting for an answer...about taking a job, going back to school, having kids, buying a car, being in a relationship, moving...anything really. We have a bad habit of wanting what we want, when we want it. And don't be fooled, I don't have my whole life or God's whole will figured out either just yet. One thing I do know, though, is that this world has much to offer, but whether we desire it and find our happiness in those things depends on where our focus lies- on ourselves and our negligible wants...or on Him and "the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." (Eph. 3:19)
Don't let earthly pleasures spoil your appetite for God's will for your life. Don't fill your belly with ice cream and Little Debbie's. God's got a 20 oz ribeye steak with a baked potato and grilled asparagus waiting for you. :)

I'm Glad I'm Not Married....Yet

So, I'll be honest. I thought I'd be married by now. And probably have a kid. But obviously, neither of those things have happened.
And yes, I am glad. One might say, "Hannah, you're going to be 27 in less than 3 weeks, why are you glad about that?? Don't you want to get married and have kids??" (I promise, I've managed to curb my sarcastic comments to small-minded people who say things like that to me, but that doesn't mean they don't happen in my head). Well, as strange and as abnormal as it may be for a woman in her, dare I say, late 20's to be okay with not being married in our culture and area, I am.

Here's why: I have watched SO many people hurt. TOO many. Both in my line of work as a therapist (which includes couples, parents, children, and entire families), and in my personal life as well, through the lives of friends and family...I've watched people hurt. By no means does watching all this hurt and confusion make me scared to get married, or explain why I'm not married. All of this stuff around me over the years, however, has provided me with a pretty detailed road map filled with detours, dead ends, exits, and both well-paved and pothole-filled roads to travel down as a person enters into this thing called marriage.
I'm not going to share all the lessons I've learned from watching others in their marriages- both successful and not...at least not in this blog post. I will say, though, that I'm thankful for those around me that I have learned from, who have opened up to to me, who have confided in me, and who have let me see and help with their pain, because I have learned more about marriage in the last 10 years of my life than I ever thought I would. When you're a marriage counselor, work with countless children who are victims of divorced parents, read books about marriage and divorce, and know people personally who have experienced countless issues within marriage, I guess that just kind of happens. And, I'm thankful for every bit of that knowledge and yes, even the way in which it was gained, even if that means some hurt on my own part.
I would like to think that all this knowledge and experience will have totally prepared me for marriage myself, (because, despite my sarcasm earlier, I do have a desire in my heart to be married and have a family of my own), but I'm not nearly naïve enough to actually believe that. Yes, it will help and I may be better prepared than some, but, marriage is different for every couple, and I have no idea yet what my marriage will be like, or, if I'll even get married. And yet, even if I don't, all is not lost because I can still use my knowledge to help others.

Okay so, one thing I will say, is STOP DEGRADING YOUR SPOUSE ON SOCIAL MEDIA. I know I'm not married, but seriously, the memes on Facebook, subtweets on Twitter, and now I'm starting to see Instagram posts with quotes on them that are OBVIOUSLY directed at people's spouses (and some are even bold enough to tag their spouses, which is beyond me). Anyways, if you have something to say about your significant other, if you're mad at them, frustrated because they're not helping you, listening to you, or giving you what you need, tell them. Tell THEM. Not everyone else but them. Quit expecting them to read into your subliminal messaging and come apologize. Go to them, tell them what you're feeling, and then work on it together. Not long ago I had a couple in my office doing marriage counseling, and I asked them when the last time was that they sat down together and had a conversation without the TV on, the kids in the room, or *gasp* without checking their phones. Radical, isn't it? Yeah, well, they literally could not tell me of a time, ever, when they had done that. And they were wondering why neither of them felt heard. (Okay, I realize I'm on a soap box, I'm coming down shortly). Maybe as a therapist I'm spoiled by all the direct, one-on- one conversations I get to have on a daily basis and it's now the norm in my life, but shouldn't that actually be the norm? Anyways, I'm done ranting. Seriously, just go talk to your spouse. Just do it. Life's too short to post your feelings on social media looking for sympathy when your partner is right there. Also (sorry, I promise I'm done after this), it's disrespectful. Your issues with your partner do not need to be aired on social media...just imagine if you were on the other side of it. That's humiliating. For you and them. Ok, really done now.

Life is full of good things. It's also full of crappy things sometimes that affect marriage, like lies, deceit, unfaithfulness, pornography, disappointment, people changing seemingly overnight, and fear. I wish I had the answers for all these things, but I don't. I hopefully have gained some good tools to help me deal with them if they ever happen to me (some again), but only time will tell. And some marriages are really great, and I'm equally blessed to learn from those too. I am so incredibly grateful that I have learned all that I have so far, and that all the things I've experienced has led to the exact place I am right now in my life. 
So yes, I'm glad I'm not married. Yet. Because if I had been, I would've missed out on many of the things I've learned and likely would've been settling. That's what I mean by saying I'm glad I'm not married yet. I legitimately am happy with the way things are in my life right now, that I've learned so much, am still learning, and still have so much to learn....that I never settled or sold myself short, and that I know God's plan for my future is amazing whether I'm 28 or 48 when I get married. IF I get married. God is good, all the time. I"m so thankful that He has given me the grace to be able to accept where I am and trust Him no matter what I may feel. Not being married right now doesn't mean I've done something wrong or that I missed God's will for my life (and hopefully any unmarried woman reading this hears that). It means I'm right where He wants me, and there's no better place to be, than in the will and the arms of the One who made you, and who places value on you, married or not, because you are His.
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!" -Isaiah 43:1b

When People Leave

I have never had to say goodbye to so many people in such a short period of time, and it is absolutely no fun at all. Some of my clients are cool with the transition and can open up to just about anyone, whereas others have literally been heartbroken and in near-despair upon hearing that I’m leaving because for some, I’m the first human being who has listened to them without judgment or breaking their trust. I have noticed a pattern with many clients, and really, with so many humans in general recently: so many people feel hopelessness and sadness over the fact that “people always leave.” I’ve tried my best to encourage my clients to not view our separation as an illustration of this, but rather as an exception in their life of someone who cared for them and although they “left,” it wasn’t a statement about their value or how much they were cared for. But one thing I’ve realized is that in reality, people do leave. Whether they mean to or not, or whether they want to or not, hundreds of people come in and out of our lives throughout the course of it, much like the waves in the ocean, leaving their mark, and some never returning. But that’s life. It doesn’t have to be sad or depressing, because not everyone leaves. Many do, yes, but that doesn’t have to be “the story of my life,” as many say. I’ve met friends, teachers, leaders, bosses, coworkers, colleagues, strangers, and even family members that maybe at one point were a very big and important part of my life, and now they are just acquaintances. However, from each of them I have learned and grown, even if from some of them I’ve just learned how not to treat others. I am thankful for each and every person who has come into my life, whether they have chosen to stay or leave, because for each there was a purpose and reason, and if I choose, I can learn from each of them instead of resisting connections because “one day they might leave.”

Sometimes, we learn the most valuable lessons in our lives from children, or at least people who we wouldn’t expect to. Today one of my clients told me about how despite the actions of her family and how she has been lied to and manipulated by some of them, she has decided to not let their actions determine her value. She’s only 11. I wish so badly I had been that mature at that age and had learned earlier in my life to not let others’ decisions about how they treat me, whether they keep promises, ignore me, or decide to have me in their life or not affect the way I view myself or my value. It took me many years to get to that point, and sometimes I still struggle with it, but now that I have the awareness it’s a bit easier to identify when it starts to happen. (This particular client also told me a lesson she had learned recently from her family was "stay with that baby daddy, or at least make sure you like him!" so I guess her life lessons are extremely unpredictable, yet helpful haha).

This post wouldn’t be complete without lyrics and life lessons from Eric Church, so at the risk of being cheesy, here goes:

“And I hope they know I never would've made it this far on my own
'Cause where would we all be without those
Fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers
The friends I've made, the long lost lovers
I wouldn't be who I am today
If not for those I've loved along the way”

-Eric Church, Those I’ve Loved

Your value isn’t based on how others treat you or view you, nor on whether people decide to be in your life or not. Your value comes from the One who made you, who knit you together in your mother’s womb, and who never leaves or forsakes you. Even if you are struggling with the pain of a recent loss or separation from someone, it doesn’t have to be your “life story.” We were created for more. And because of Whose we are, we are valuable, and even when humans leave us, He never will.

Grace is Hard

Why is grace so hard for us? Hard to accept, hard to give. We want others to give it to us, but we can't give it as easily as we want it to be given to us. And then sometimes, when it is given, it's hard for us to accept because we don't feel like we deserve it. But that's the beauty of grace- without the undeserving recipient, it wouldn't be grace. Grace defined is undeserved goodness. And in a world built on merit and self-sufficiency, it's no wonder we fight it.

One thing I have been struck by and have been deep in thought and prayer about over the last couple of months is forgiveness and its link to grace. It is no coincidence, I believe, that my devotion this morning was about bitterness and how God, our Jehovah-Rapha, our Healer-God, leads us through our bitterness and into mercy if we draw near to Him and let Him heal us. Because what do unforgiveness and withholding grace bring but bitterness? And how beautiful is the heart of the One who sets us free from both of those things by His striking actions of grace and mercy during His time on earth and in His continued love and abounding forgiveness towards us now!

I think sometimes, and really more often than not, we can't expect grace from other humans unless we can give it first. Until we have been deeply wounded by someone and then must decide (even if they aren't remorseful) to pick up the pieces, swallow our pride and pain, and forgive, we won't be able to appreciate grace when it is given to us when we are the offender. There is something so incredibly peaceful about laying your hurts at the feet of Jesus and giving it over to Him, trusting that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3.

I could write a book about how unforgiveness is like heavy chains, pulling you down into an abyss of anger, pain, and bitterness that truly and honestly hurts no one but you. In my moments of weakness and resistance to forgive, I think about where I would be if that's how Jesus looked at me. If He didn't have a heart of love and mercy, and on top of that if His mercies weren't new every single morning...I would have nothing to stand on. Nothing I have done or can do could ever earn me the kind of grace I've been granted in Him. And when I ponder that, grace from others seems irrelevant. It would be nice, sure, but we're all humans. We are all imperfect and sometimes struggle with grace when we are hurt. But I am thankful for a God who transcends that and who loves us past and through our failures and unfaithfulness.

Dave Barnes said it best in his song How Long when he said "Forgiveness is a heavy promise, it's a language that's so hard to speak."

But let's do it. Let's learn to forgive, and offer grace, even if it isn't offered to us. Because really, it was offered to us, by the One who gave up everything for our sinful souls. That is grace. Let's let that be our motivation to give grace to others, not their willingness to ask for it. I've seen what choosing to forgive can do...and it is indeed a beautiful thing. And I have peace beyond comprehension, because when I give grace, I am showing the love of Jesus, and after all, isn't that why we're here?

Wait for the Cookie Cake

Sometimes I feel like a little kid. (Okay, more often than sometimes, because I get way too excited about little things like sunshine, an unexpected free hour, Sonic happy hour, sweet morning texts, and a chance to eat Mexican food, but hey, those are the things that life is all about, right??) But the times I'm talking about specifically are the ones in which you see a little kid finally get something they've been wanting for a long, long time, and it's WAY better than they ever thought it would be.

Today, I'm that kid. For so long, I've been told to wait. By family members, by friends, by coworkers, and mainly by God. I HATE waiting. Mainly because I'm terrible at it (but, admittedly, have gotten better at it over the years since I've done it so much), but also because, let's be honest, it is NO FUN. Well, it's no fun when you're doing it, but when you get the thing you've been waiting for, it is SO worth it.

Recently, God blew my expectations out of the water. I was the kid, patiently (for the most part) and expectantly waiting for a small, measly Chips A-Hoy cookie from the cookie jar on the counter. I wasn't quite tall enough to reach it and I would just stand there and beg for it, much like a pathetic puppy. What God started to teach me during this season of waiting was that instead of begging and being that kid that says "I'll do the dishes for a whole week and mop the floors if I can just have one cookie right now!", God wanted me to CHILL OUT. He wanted me to sit back, rest, and lay at the Master's feet in peace until the time was right. And oh, how I fought this. I would eagerly jump up and wag my tail and salivate every time God would make the slightest move, automatically assuming this was it, this was the time I was going to get my cookie. And every time I was dead wrong. What a disappointing feeling. You can just see the look on the puppy's face when his master walks right by the treat jar and into the laundry room or bedroom instead. (I obviously still can't decide if I'm the puppy or the kid at this point. But for the end of the analogy, let's say I'm the kid).

Then, the day comes. The small child that has been standing at the edge of the counter, with his chin and fingers on the edge of it so he is eye-level with the cookie jar, gets a surprise from a place that is not the cookie jar at all. Because in from the garage walks dad. The child turns around and takes his eyes off the cookie jar, not expecting this to be THE time. Dad is holding a big, red, thin box. He sits it down on the counter and opens the lid. The child stands on his tippy-toes in order to see over the edge of the box. And what does he see other than the biggest, most delicious looking, icing-topped, cookie cake? He takes in a sharp breath, takes a step back, covers his mouth and looks up at his father with wide-eyed amazement and unbelief...points to his chest and whispers, "For ME?", while still half-expecting dad to say, "Not yet," or "No," or, "Just wait."

Then, the dad simply places his hand on the top of the child's head, smiles, and nods. "Yes, my child. This is for you. I told you the wait would be worth it." And then, in complete and utter delight, watches his child dig in and savor the most unexpected and wonderful fulfillment of a promise he's ever experienced.
Isn't our God so good? He longs to bless us, and He does, and we must only wait and be faithful in the little things. And then, when he blesses us, it's hard to tell who is more delighted, for our God loves to see us enjoy the blessings he has prepared for us.
"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are those who long for Him." -Isaiah 30:18

What Happens When Someone Loves you Like Jesus Does

What an outlandish thought...right? That an imperfect human could ever duplicate the love of Christ to another imperfect human.

How many times have I run from God? Told Him that He could have every part of me...except...fill in the blank. How many times have I tried to understand, comprehend, and explain His love, trying in vain to wrap my tiny human mind around the vastness and depth of His unfailing love, only to be left feeling confused, content, grateful, and undeserving when I fail? I have told God that He must not really know me, or else He wouldn't love me like He does...wouldn't extend such unceasing grace to me on a moment by moment basis. But the beauty of this paradox is that not only does He really know me, but He knows every part of me because He created me, and He loves me anyway.

It seems only natural that if a human were to show glimpses of that same type of love to us, we would fight it and say, "No, I'm not that good. Just wait until you really get to know me, and you'll see all my flaws," or even try to convince them that there's no way they could love us as much as they do...they're just blinded by love and need to wait until those rose-colored glasses come off so they can make a true judgement of us. Now of course, it is impossible for humans to love perfectly, simply because of our human nature. And, naturally, we see all our own flaws more than others do usually, so it's difficult for us to believe that someone could love us not only in spite of those things, but maybe, just maybe, because of those things.

But here's a radical thought: What if the person we're meant to marry is meant to love us like Jesus does? What if it's more misleading to believe that no one could love us like that than it is to believe that they can, or even that they should? I'm not saying that you should hold your significant other to the standard of Christ's perfect love, but Jesus did command us saying, "²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her....²⁸ So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; ²⁹ for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of His body." (Ephesians 5:25, 28-30).

This may seem obvious to some people, like, "Duh, you shouldn't settle for anyone who doesn't love you like that!", but when you are accustomed to not feeling good enough or like you don't deserve that kind of love, it's a pretty radical thought when you start to grasp it. I am brought to tears by the realization that I thought I knew what God's love was. I thought I understood the passion with which He pursues me. I thought I knew how much He loved and cherished me and adored every part of me. Until now. This gives me a whole new perspective and I'm realizing that I have been given the closest thing I'll ever have to God's unabashed, unfailing, and undeserved love here on earth. And I don't have to worry about not being perfect, about letting him down or not living up to his standards. When someone loves you like Jesus does, they see past your flaws. They love you for you, and don't hold you to impossible standards, but choose to love you...just because. And you can rest in that and not run from it, try to earn it, or fight it. Accept it as a free gift, and love back as hard as you can for the same reasons.

I am loved. I am adored. I am cherised. And I am thankful.

Come Running

For the first time in so, so long, I am actually legitimately excited about my future. I have a plan and the means to reach my financial goals so that I don’t have to work forever, which is in itself a freeing thought. But more importantly than that, I have hope. It’s one thing to have desires and wishes and dreams for the future--everyone has those—but it’s an entirely different thing altogether to have HOPE.

Let’s get technical for a second: the actual definition of hope is 1- “a feeling of expectation for a certain thing to happen; 2- a feeling of trust.”

Expectation. Trust.

I don’t know about you, but until now, those two words were more like a foreign language to me than things I knew and understood, much less possessed. There is something to be said for a person who can make you feel like they would give you the world, a person who, sure, says and does all the right things, but more than that, proves it with the kind of person they are so that you just can’t help but believe every word they say. It’s a crazy paradox, really, especially when in my past experience, love (although overall good) has brought hurt and mistrust and uncertainty. I can look forward to my future with certainty and complete trust and expectation because I finally feel wanted—like the person I am is exactly what someone else has waited for…! What a feeling! (okay, promise, I’m not going to break out in song…although at times I have felt like it).

And then, I am humbled. Because I think of the love Christ has for me, and how He longs to bless me. And how when we wait, trust, and ask for His will, He does it. And He does it even more abundantly than we could’ve ever imagined. And I think of this quote my aunt shared on Facebook a while back, and am brought to tears at the realization of how generous and loving our God really is:

“Lord, I crawled across the barrenness to You with my empty cup, uncertain in asking my small drop of refreshment. If I had known You better, I’d have come running with a bucket.” –Nancy Spiegelberg

Just ask. He will give you what you’ve always wanted…what you’ve been waiting for. For He is the One who formed your heart and placed the desire there to begin with. 

"I thank God I ain't what I almost was..."

First, I don't think it's any surprise that the title of this post is Eric Church lyrics.
Second, if you haven't downloaded the TimeHop app yet, go do it. It's this cool app that you can sync with all your other social media apps (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.), and it will pull from them to give you a kind of scrapbook of your posts from each day...1 year ago on this day, 2 years ago, 3 years ago, etc., for as far back as you've had social media. I'll admit, it's both the best and worst thing I've ever done. Some days, it's so fun to look back on all the fun, crazy, stupid things I was doing on this day when I was in college or grad school, and it's nice to occasionally reminisce about those memories (or screenshot things and send them to my best friend so we can talk about how ridiculous we were/are). Other days, it's honestly kind of heartbreaking to look back over the hard times, sad days, and depressing moments in my life (but also encouraging to see how much I've made it through). And then there are days like today, when I read a post that I posted 2 years ago, that, ironically before I even read it, was the exact same thought I had this morning when I woke up (kind of crazy, I know). Anyways, 2 years ago on July 24, I posted something about how I was thankful that I am not in control and that God doesn't always give me everything I ask for, because His plan is always best.
That was the first thought on my mind this morning, and then when I got on TimeHop and saw that from 2 years ago, I knew it was confirmation from Him. There have been so many moments in my past when I have felt frustrated and even angry that God wasn't answering my prayers the way I wanted them to be answered. I grew up in church, Sunday school, and a Christian school, so trust me, I know all the right answers: God's timing is best, everything happens for a reason, one day it will all make sense, God has plans for your future-to prosper you and not to harm you, God works all things out for the good of those who love Him....and on and on. And all of those are absolutely true. However, I am human. I doubt, I get confused, I want answers. This morning I woke up thinking about how drastically different my life would look right now if I had gotten all the things I thought I wanted (in regards to family, jobs, relationships...pretty much everything). But, as I've been looking back over things, I'm glad it doesn't look like I wanted it to look.
What I'm realizing is that I love my life.
Every bit of it.
I wouldn't change anything that has happened to me (even though to be honest there's been some pretty ridiculous, infuriating, confusing, and hurtful things that have really sucked), because all those things have brought me to where I am, which is I know exactly where God wants me. Most days, I literally don't even know what I want, much less what I need, but that's okay because God knows both and He is faithful. I am so, SO glad that God hasn't always given me the things I have asked for. As I look at my life now and the way things are (even though it's nothing like what I thought it would be at this point), I am realizing that, obviously, He really does know best. :)
In the words of the great Eric Church, "I thank God I ain't what I almost was."

Confessions: Tinder Edition

So, obviously, I have a Tinder. Not my proudest moment, but at the same time, when you're in your mid-20's and are no longer on a college campus surrounded by guys your age, and when you're lucky to see any other humans besides your roommate and coworkers in a typical week, where in the world are you supposed to meet decent guys?! So, I thought, maybe I should take advantage of this new technology out there to help connect me with some nice, decent, quality, mature guys who are looking for serious relationships.
Obviously I'm an optimist.
I make my profile, choose some pictures of myself that show off my best side while also making me seem fun and interesting but not too crazy (which is more difficult than one would think), set my discovery preferences, and then start swiping. I think to myself:
"Nope, nope, nope, definitely not, hmm he has potential, woah...just no, ok he's really cute...but of course he's 78 miles away, what made him think that was a good choice in pictures??..." and on and on.
It's clear that this is the most shallow app of all time, seeing as how all you know about the person is their first name, age, a few pictures, and a short bio (which, by the way, if your bio is witty and makes me laugh, you're a step ahead already). But, let's be honest, isn't it looks that first attract us to someone? Sure, it's not the best way to find people I know, but hey, I guess you never know, right?
So, the following are thoughts I have essentially every single time I am swiping through, and just couldn't keep them to myself because I know I can't be the only one who thinks these things:

Tips for guys when choosing pictures for your profile (remember, you only get 6...please start putting some thought into this process):
1. If all your pictures are group pictures with a bunch of other guys and I can't tell which one you are...I'm swiping left.
2. If your first picture contains any of the following: a cigarette, any type of drug paraphernalia, shots of liquor, a beer funnel, or obvious drunken escapades...I'm swiping left.
3. If any of your pictures, especially the first one, involve a selfie of any kind: mirror (especially flexing), car, gym, shirtless (especially flexing), etc...I'm swiping left.
4. Actually, just any mirror pic at all ...I'm swiping left.
5. If you have 6 pictures of you doing cool outdoorsy stuff like camping, fishing, rock climbing, kayaking, hunting, etc., that's pretty cool and you're probably a pretty fun guy. However, if I can't see your face in any of them, there's a good chance you're fake and a possible stalker/serial killer so...I'm swiping left.
6. If your picture contains any of the above things in combination with one another (like a shirtless, drunken selfie with lots of beer bottles), I probably won't even read your name before I swipe left.
7. If your pics include your car, motorcycle or if all your pictures are the same picture just cropped differently...I'm swiping left.
8. Also, if many of your pictures include an attractive girl or the same attractive girl...what, is it like your sister, your ex, your current girlfriend? no. swiping left.

On the flip side, here's some things that might convince me to swipe right:
1. A picture with your mom
2. A picture with your dog/puppy/multiple dogs
3. A picture with children (that are not yours).
4. A bio that says what your job is, where you live, and what you like to do for fun (except if your only interests are drinking/partying).

Other random thoughts:
- if I see one of my guy friends on there from high school, college, or mutual friends, I'm gonna swipe right just to be ridiculous and allow us to laugh mutually at the fact that we both have Tinder. Doesn't necessarily mean I wanna date you.
- if you message me saying "you're so pretty" and that's it....no.
- if you ask to add me on snapchat and we've barely talked...no.
- if you tell me you're "looking for whatever happens"....no.
- that moment when you get so used to swiping left that you aren't paying close attention and you accidentally swipe left on a really cute guy...he could've been the perfect match!!
- that moment of terror when you think you're looking through a guy's pictures and you swipe right to look back at the others and you then realize you were actually swiping through all the guys and so you end up swiping right on a guy that you would've never swiped right on...and of course, it's a match. fail.

SO yeah, Tinder wasn't my best life choice, but who knows, maybe it'll lead to something awesome. I'm skeptical, and will probably make a friend or my roommate also be present at my first meeting with any guy I talk to, sitting at a different table, pretending to be a complete stranger just in case he's a dangerous stalker and I have to use a safe word to escape being sold into sex trafficking. (okay, not to make light of that at all, because I know it's real, but that came from my mother and sister).

So I guess until further notice, I'll just be swiping away to find my prince charming. But really, I'll probably just extend my discovery preferences to 3000 miles, just in case Channing Tatum gets tired of swiping left.

To my future husband

To my sweetheart, my love, my future husband:

I miss you. I haven’t met you yet (or at least I’m pretty sure I haven’t), but I miss you terribly today. I'm not sure how that's possible, but it feels real because I feel like part of me is missing. On this gloomy, cloudy day when I'm camped out on the couch watching March Madness, I find myself in a place of longing. I am feeling a desire to be with the one whom my soul loves. I love you and I don’t even know you. I love you because I know you will be the one to love me the way I’ve always wanted to be loved; you will appreciate and adore me, even my quirks and sometimes frustrating habits. I love you because I know that you love our Savior just as much as I do, and you put Him before everything else in your life, even me. I love you because you are my other half- I know that you will complement me and push me to be the woman I strive to be every day.

But you should know that I, much like you probably, have been hurt. My heart has been shattered like glass and has cut my soul to pieces. I have given all of myself- put everything I have into relationships- and have come out still feeling inadequate and unwanted, leaving me with nothing but a whole bunch of lessons learned. But these lessons are valuable because they’ve taught me to protect myself and they’ve shown me what I should look for, which I know is you. And I know I’ll know it when I see you.

I want to be with you. I want to feel your arms around me, to hear your voice, and to be engulfed in your love. I am ready to feel like I am good enough- that me, who I am, is enough. I’m ready to meet you because I know that you’ll give me all the things I need and even some that I didn’t know I needed. You’ll appreciate, adore, be proud of, and love me with all that you are. And I can guarantee that I’ll never give you anything less than all of me. When I love, I love hard, and although this has brought me pain in the past, I know I’ll never regret loving you with my whole self because you will protect and take care of my heart. It makes me excited and happy to think of our love. I don’t know when it will come, when I will see you for the first time, but I have enough experience meeting the wrong ones that I think my heart will know you when my eyes see you for the first time.

I have no doubt that God’s timing is the best and most perfect thing. I am not looking for you, not seeking you out, but I am eager to meet you, whenever that may be. I trust that when the time is right and when God has finished readying us for one another, we will meet. But until then, just know that I’m thinking about you. I think about you often, not in a desperate way, but in a way that makes me excited for the life that we will share together. And in the meantime, I will be working to make sure I am the best woman I can be for you. I can’t wait to know you and love you. And I'm secretly hoping that in the future I can look back to this moment of longing, and then look at you next to me on the couch yelling at the games on TV during March Madness, and smile.

The Struggle for Contentment

One of the questions that has been weighing heavily on my mind this morning is this: Is discontentment really that bad?

Now, I guess the answer to this question depends on one’s definition of contentment. I know that in Philippians, Paul talks about how he has found the secret to being content (that he can do everything through Christ who gives him strength), and then again later he tells Timothy that “godliness with contentment is great gain.” (1 Timothy 6:6). But I wonder, where would I be if I was simply content with things the way they are? This is not me questioning the Word of God or saying that it’s inaccurate, but it is me wondering if for me, discontentment can mean something different than perhaps it meant for Paul.

Over the past 6 months, my life has literally been a roller coaster. I have been through some very low lows, and have also had some very exhilarating highs (by the grace of God). I have been through a lot that I still don’t understand, but that is okay. I find peace in knowing that God is in control and that He is good. But, this morning I found myself wondering where I would be if I had just been content with things and not yearned for more. Something about the word “contentment” rubs me the wrong way, because I am a go-getter. For some reason, I think that if I’m content, it means I’m not striving for more, pushing myself, reevaluating what I want, need, and deserve, or making plans to accomplish the big goals I have for myself. Maybe that’s not what Paul meant by that, because I certainly don’t believe he would encourage laziness or lack of motivation, but for whatever reason I have just been wrestling with this thought of contentment. I have thought, “Is there something wrong with me that I am not content?” I have SO many good things in my life, and I enjoy them fully. I am by no means unhappy or disgruntled about the way my life is going. I love my life!  

BUT, I want more. Not in a selfish, childish way where it prohibits me from enjoying the good things I do have, but in a way that pushes me to live up to the calling I have been given, and to not give up until I get there. I guess maybe in my mind I relate the word “contentment” to settling, to being “fine” with the way things are and not having the courage to question things. I did that for too long, and now I wonder where I’d be if I’d truly been honest with myself about what I wanted years ago.

Let me clarify (if I can), my views on contentment. Discontentment to me does not mean misery, it means stagnation, and that to me is worse than despair. There are some mornings, some random afternoons or late evenings, where I stop, and catch myself in this moment of longing. I feel this void inside me, like something is missing or that whatever I’m waiting for is so close—maybe right around the corner, but it’s not here yet. I have interpreted this many ways over the years, from chastising myself for not being content with who I am in Christ to trying to figure out all the things I feel like I’m missing. But I think for me, it comes down to this: Christ is enough for me. He is truly sufficient, and His grace covers all my imperfections. But I was also made for heaven, and this is not my home. I yearn for heaven, for the day when there are no more tears. Sure, I want other things while on earth, like my dream job, a husband, a family, a home of my own, etc., but I also know that getting those things will not fill that void. Maybe I need that void to remember that this world is not enough for me and that there is more than this. Maybe I need it to motivate and push me to not settle for things that are mediocre. We were not called to ordinary lives. Christ has done something extraordinary for us so that we can live extraordinarily for Him. 

Different but Good

This Thanksgiving season is different from so many others. But it has been just as good. One of the things that I love so much about my Savior and Heavenly Father is His faithfulness. No matter what I am going through or how I’m feeling, His promises hold true and solid, like a bulwark in the middle of a hurricane; a fortress in the middle of a raging war.

Recently I’ve been challenging myself to be thankful despite my emotions and circumstances, and I believe that God has led me to these verses as a result of that. I hope they bring comfort and hope for anyone who might be reading this.

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him.” –Isaiah 30:18

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” -2 Corinthians 4: 16-17

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord…though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.” –Lamentation 3:21-26; 32

There is something about the word of God that brings such comfort and perspective to me no matter what is going on around me. I always have a reason to give thanks. Not just because it is Thanksgiving, but because He has made me promises that He will honor, because my God never fails.

Backpedaling

Let me preface this entry by saying this: No amount of hard times, struggles, or heartache can separate me (or anyone) from God's love or take away the peace He offers despite all that. He is good. Period.

Now, the the human side of me that is often weak and lacks perspective speaks.
I am struggling. Plain and simple. I mean I know no one expects me to be happy or even strong right now, which is good because I'm obviously neither, but the problem is that I expect that of myself. I keep telling myself that by now, I should be over this, or at least on my way. I feel like I did everything backwards. I had such a peace at the beginning, and knew for a fact that I was in the right place and in God's will (and I still feel both of those things now), but I wasn't experiencing the extreme feelings of loss and sadness that I am now. Maybe I was in shock. Maybe it hadn't sunk in yet and it took almost 2 months for me to realize that after 6 years of being with the person that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, I really am alone. I have to start over.

There are so many mixed feelings. So much bittersweet-ness. I could spend hours, days, and weeks thinking about all the what if's, the why's, or the if only's, but that's not helpful or healthy. The only thing that eases any of this is the knowledge that is ingrained so deeply in my soul that I am never alone. Maybe physically, but never spiritually or emotionally. I have a Savior who not only understands what I am feeling, but who also has compassion on me and cares about my questions, doubts, hurts, fears, and loneliness. He is right by my side for every bit of it, and when I am too weak to carry on, He carries me. There is always hope. Always a promise.
I have no hard feelings, no anger. Some questions and a few wonderings maybe, but overall, I can look back and smile. And I know that in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, I will look back and everything will make sense. God is at work, and He is the Great Healer. He has taught me so much, and it amazes me that even as I write this, He has removed my sadness and replaced it with hope and peace. Sure, I'll have lots of good days and bad days for a while, but hope tells me that this time of refining will not be for nothing. Just as any metal must become hot and melt before the finished product can emerge, I must go through the fire in order to be molded into the woman I am meant to be. In the meantime I will trust in His faithfulness and never-ending goodness, for He is the only One who will never fail me.

Peace

I used to think that I would fall apart, that I would be depressed and feel like my world was ending. I used to think that I would never be able to make it through something so difficult. Ever. But here I stand. By the grace of God. When the Bible talks about peace that passes understanding, that's no joke. To stand here on the edge of the unknown, after having lost the one thing I thought would always be there...and have peace-- that is truly a miracle. If there's one thing I've learned throughout this process, it's to not be surprised when God answers your prayers that are prayed in hope, trust, surrender, and expectation. I've come to a place where I am right smack dab in the middle of God's will. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know I am right where He wants me, and there is absolutely no feeling in this world that could ever come close to comparing to that. Knowing I have heard and followed after the One who created my heart brings joy and peace that overshadows all the pain and heartache that came with the choice I made to follow. Sure, there is still sadness and a great sense of loss, but I can look back and smile, knowing full well that God led me through every bit of it to get me to this exact moment where I am at peace, fully in His will. What faithfulness! What sovereignty! I am at a loss for words when I try to fathom His greatness and His goodness towards me. I know I don't deserve any of it, and that's why I can say what I say with such conviction. Because I didn't do any of it. I'm just glad He was merciful enough to let me hear His words and gave me the strength to follow after Him.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Discipline So Sweet

As an adult, when I look back on my childhood, I remember vividly the punishment and discipline that awaited us 4 kids when we broke any of the rules in our house. At the time, the rules made sense to me, but not all of them were things I was fond of- and some I thought were unfair. But now, as I reflect on those times, I am SO thankful for the lessons I learned from those punishments. I have texted my mom multiple times since I have been out of the house, just to thank her for teaching me how to do things like be respectful to authorities, wipe off a kitchen counter, properly clean a bathroom, etc. I hated doing those things when I was younger, but now I realize it was all for my own good (as cliche as that sounds, unfortunately it's true).

It's the same exact way with God. The other day, my mom drove up to spend the day with me because I was going through a rough time, and needed support. It was just what the doctor ordered. My mom knows just about everything about me, and we have gotten much closer over the past couple of years. As I was pouring out my heart to her, she, like a mother does, was brutally honest with me. She said that she feared that I might be reaping the consequences of my sin. I initially got defensive and fought this, talking (through my tears) about God's love and mercy towards us. She, also like a mother does, reminded me of things that are best for me. She talked about God's love, but also about his righteousness, and how as his children, we must learn that discipline comes when repentance does not flow freely from our mouths.
Sparing you the details of both my sin and my punishment, let's just say I had a lot to think about.

Today, as I was reading my Bible, I ran across Hebrews chapter 12. Here's the part that struck me the most, causing tears mixed with remorse and joy to well up:
5..."'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives.' It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline..." and then jump down to verse 10 "For they [fathers] disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He [God] disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. 12 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

I found myself awe-struck, so completely stricken by remorse for my sins, but also surprisingly speechless in the face of such goodness that is our Father. How much he cares for me to allow me to reap the consequences of my sins so that I can find my way back to Him! He does not force me, but gently leads me, and teaches me valuable lessons along the way. What grace!!! God doesn't give us rules to hurt us, but to protect us...the same reason he disciplines us-- out of love. Even when it seems like he's asking too much, "everyone else is doing it," or we just plain don't want to do it, keep in mind that His eye is on the sparrow, and he sees all you do. Yes he is loving, but he is also just. And I am so thankful that he is! We are so privileged to be treated as God's sons and daughters! 

Discipline so hard
Discipline so sweet
Shows me just how loving You are,
How much You care about me.
Like the rules in my parents' home,
Yours are meant to keep me from harm.
So no matter how far I roam,
They warn me just like an alarm.
It's a hard lesson to learn-
That punishment equals love,
But once I gather the nerve to return,
I find You rejoicing from above.
Your child that was once long gone
Now finds herself at Your feet.
Broken, ashamed, barely breathing at dawn,
You draw my gaze upward for Yours to meet.
There is love in Your eyes
And patience in Your gaze.
I realize as You beckon me to rise,
That Your Discipline Your love displays.

Patience

I find myself in yet another stage of waiting. I feel like I've been waiting for things my entire life. I don't want to be the type of person who doesn't enjoy their experiences in life and is always waiting for the next good thing. I do enjoy things...I have been blessed with so much and so many good things in my life- but it seems like I am forever in a transition stage. Now that I have graduated with my Master's (whoa, right?!), all I want is to have my own place, a full time permanent job, and a decent income that I can live off of on my own. I guess that sounds like a lot when I put it all down like that, and it's honestly probably too much too be asking for all at once. What makes it hard is that I know I serve a God who is capable of not just those things, but even more. Problem is (and it's not really a problem-it just seems like one from my limited, human perspective) those things only happen in His timing. And unfortunately I am probably one of the most impatient people He created. And He knows that, since He formed me and knows even more about me than I do, which is why He keeps giving me opportunities to be patient. But I keep failing.

I read a quote today that said "Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you're waiting." Blow my mind. That is so true. I never thought of it like that. As Christians, God constantly gives us opportunities to reflect Christ in all we do and to be an example to others during hard times. It's easy to be a good witness and show the love of Christ when things are easy and everything is going your way. It's when things don't go your way, when you are confused, doubtful and scared that people are watching the most. Those are our opportunities to let Christ shine through us the most.

I've said it once and I'll say it again. I would rather have a life full of troubles and hard times with some mountaintops mixed in than a life full of good things, because at least if you have hard times it makes you appreciate the good times even more. There are so many people that I observe in my life that seem to have it all together- everything is figured out and running smoothly. They haven't had to experience much of anything "difficult" except for maybe a broken heart once or twice. That's good for them, but when I look back over my life, while it's been better than many people's lives in this world, it hasn't looked a thing like that. It hasn't been a fairy tale, and there have been a good number of moments where I wanted to give up and give in. But keeping my faith, praying continually, and trusting God has brought me closer to Him and has taught me more than I could've ever dreamed.
I don't know where I'm going to be living or working this time next month, or what my life will look like. Yes, that is terrifying if I let myself focus on just that. But, it is also exciting and energizing because it means that the opportunities are endless. It also means that I have a perfect opportunity to surrender to my God's plan that he promises to perfect and carry on to completion (Phil. 1:6).

The Certainty of Hope

Sometimes during the winter I feel like summer will never come. The thoughts of wearing shorts, being tan, and swimming in the lake every weekend seem so ridiculously far out of reach that I sometimes get really frustrated and down, and spend more time than is probably healthy wishing for summer instead of appreciating the moment I am in. If I had it my way, winter wouldn't exist. I would never have to wear a coat, scrape ice off my car, or feel the piercing wind through my 5 layers of clothes. But, just when I think I just can't handle the cold anymore, spring comes. It always comes. That first morning you walk out of your house and aren't absolutely freezing. That first afternoon where it's too warm for your coat and the sun has warmed your car for when you get in. Those first few blossoms on the trees and the first spurts of grass that start to grow...hope springs. Hope of warmer weather and summer nights and longer days. And all the despair and unpleasantness of winter slowly starts to fade away and become nothing but a memory.
This is what God does in our lives. Constantly. When we are in a season of despair, discouragement, and uncertainty, sometimes it feels like relief may never come-- that those warmer days are impossible to even imagine. We fall away from God and forget to thank Him for our blessings, and we find ourselves praying to be delivered from the valley instead of clinging to the Shepherd for strength and refuge. But then, at just the right moment, we see that first blossom. We smell fresh cut grass and hear birds chirping. We realize that maybe hope isn't that far away. But it was always there. We always know spring is coming. And, in the same way, we can know that hope is always there, because HE is our hope. He never fails, and His mercies are new every morning. Don't let yourself be blinded by the snow, wind, or rain of the season you're in. He is there through it all. If there was no winter, we wouldn't appreciate the summer as much. Thank Him for it, learn from it, trust in His promises, and cling to the hope that He will bring you through to better, warmer days. He is always making things new. That's what He does, that's who He is, and you can rely on Him to do it--in His time.

"For I am confident of this very thing: that He who began a good work in you will perfect it unto the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

Peace in the Storm

Peace for me is to rest in the eye of the storm.
There is chaos- wind, waves, and rain- all around me
But I am here in Your arms, trusting
For Your plan is sovereign
And it is good.
You are teaching me that Your plan is best
And the more I strive for my own,
The more I venture out into the storm.
To surrender my plan keeps me in Yours,
Keeps me in the eye of the storm.
I don't get ahead of myself,
I don't worry about outcomes,
I just trust.
And trust brings freedom
Because in the chaos, I have no control.
I hate chaos and I hate being out of control,
So why do I go out into the storm
Expecting a different outcome?
I am always more at peace
When I stay in the eye, His eye
Always under His watch and care,
Resting in His vision and plan.
Oh let it be,
Let me be washed by the storm,
Washed clean of my plans--
To rest in the eye of the storm
Where Your plan prevails,
And where peace abounds.
♥

♥ > hate

Okay I just have to say this: people are ignorant and infuriating. Let me clarify. When I come across people who are hypocritical, judgmental, and rude, I become infuriated at their lack of empathy and understanding. I guess that's what happens to you when you are surrounding by mostly loving, understanding, non-judgmental counselors for 2 years, and then are obligated to be around other individuals in other areas of your life that do not share the same basic ideas about humanity. And you become frustrated because no one sees things through your eyes like other counselors do. Now, don't get me wrong, there are some pretty open-minded, loving individuals out there who are not counselors, but from my experience they are few and far between, and I wouldn't trade my experience over the past 2 years and the people I have met who have challenged me and help me grow for anything in this world.

I will admit, when I first started grad school with intentions to just get my Master's in Counseling and get out, I was not as open minded as I hoped to become, and I was not (and am not now) perfect. But I will also admit that I have grown and changed more in these past 2 years than probably ever before in my life. Not only have I grown in my faith in God (through hardship and being forced back into His arms by difficulties), but I have grown as a human being and as a counselor. And one thing that both of those areas of growth have informed me of is this: If Christians are what a lot of the world perceives them to be, I don't want to be one. Now, that being said, I will say that I don't believe that true Christians who have a growing relationship with Christ are as they are thought to be by most. The problem is the vast number of "Christians" (and I put that in quotations to emphasize that either they don't know what it means or they aren't living it if they do) don't actually live anything like Christ.

I have become hypersensitive to and even offended by comments, phrases, labels, and jokes that are directed at any non-dominant, minority population (including blacks, gays, lesbians, Asians, Indian, Arab, or any other population) that is underrepresented and misunderstood. When people I know say negative, degrading things about these groups, verbalize ignorant stereotypes, or judge based on looks, I can literally feel the anger boiling up inside me. It is all I can do not to just take people by the shoulders and shake them and say "Do you hear what you are saying?? That is a child of God you are talking about!!" Not that it would do any good. Unfortunately, many Christians think that for some reason, even though God has given them grace and forgiven them their sins, they are not obligated to extend this grace to others. They think that if someone is doing wrong in their sight, then to judge them is not a sin. Well, they are wrong. I am not saying that I have never judged or looked down on someone in the past, but I am also realizing how wrong it was. Jesus Christ himself was the most loving, non-judgmental, accepting person that ever walked this planet, and I guarantee you that if He were physically here on Earth today, those groups are the exact ones that he would be spending his time with. Just look at his ministry in any of the 4 gospels. He didn't hang out with the most privileged, rich, well-to-do, or popular people that everyone accepted. He ate meals with prostitutes, tax collectors, and others who were considered outcasts or different. Why should we as his followers be any different?? Why should we ever be caught judging or deeming ourselves better than anyone? How repulsive a human race we have become!

I guess when you have sat in a room with a broken, misunderstood, and depressed gay college student who just wants someone to understand him and not judge him based on what they see, and who has been on the verge of committing suicide because of how he has been tormented by what our world would label "good kids"...your heart is literally ripped out of your chest at his tears, and it is everything you can do not to hold him as he weeps--these things come a little easier and with more conviction. No human being should ever have to experience that. No matter what. It is so wrong. I don't expect everyone to understand or even agree with me. All I'm saying is that if you say you believe in love and grace in the name of Christ, it has to go for everyone. You don't get to pick. Just because your sins are forgiven, doesn't mean you have a reason to judge others or hate anyone. "ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23) You are no better than anyone. God offers salvation to everyone equally. Stop the hate, especially the hate that is in the name of God. The great Redeemer would be ashamed. Love is the only thing that truly heals.

Change is good

Seriously, woah. in 3 months and 8 days, I will be done with my Master's. I will be out of grad school and into the "real world" (as if working/going to class 50+ hours a week isn't the real world...ha). I cannot believe it's so close. I absolutely cannot wait.

Also, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. It's both a scary and exciting thing at the same time. I enjoy doing therapy, and I love all my clients, but I'm starting to wonder if it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. They say the burnout rate for counseling is 5 years. So basically, after the next 3 months, I'll be halfway there (fantastic). Not to mention I am feeling a strong calling from the Lord into some sort of ministry. I have always been interested in women's ministries, ever since I volunteered at a crisis pregnancy center in college. I know I want to help people, and I can feel God drawing me into something big, but I'm not sure what it is yet. I am ready for it though!! I like to look at it as not closing any doors, but opening a whole bunch of new ones, which is pretty freeing if you ask me. I have the world at my fingertips, a (almost) Master's degree, a ton of really great experience, and a heart full of passion for God and people.
I have some really good contacts and Jake and I have started looking for a new place, and I can totally feel God working in my life...it's amazing!

I have come to decide that I like change. I never used to be like that, but recently I've been realizing that change keeps you on your toes, constantly brings new opportunities, challenges, and experiences, and who doesn't enjoy that?! I'm also learning to trust and relax a little more. I've come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. I am so happy and anticipatory of all the good things to come. God's faithfulness will always amaze me ♥