P.S. I Love You

So, I just finished watching the movie P.S. I Love You, and all I can say is wow. Yes, I know I'm a little late, and the movie has been out for a while, but hey, better late than never, right? And yes, of course I cried and was emotional with my best friend on the couch in my room...but I also gained some pretty amazing perspective. At the beginning of the movie, the couple is fighting about something really ridiculous, and you wonder why don't they just drop it? But, as I kept watching, I was reminded of my own wonderful relationship. Even though there are days when we are like that, and argue over the dumbest things imaginable, we still love each other more than words can say. We don't build walls, we don't hold back. We may get frustrated with each other every once in a while, but we have an amazing way of talking things out and understanding each other. I know that sounds cliche, but our relationship is anything but cliche or ordinary. Actually, it's quite extraordinary.

Anyways, back to the movie....it just really made me realize how short life is. They weren't even married that long and they thought they had forever, and then it was cut short, and by something as malicious as a brain tumor. It makes me want to live my life and work on my relationships and not hold anything back, ever. You never know how long you have to live, or how long you have to love someone, so take advantage of it. Don't let a day pass by when those you love don't know it or have to wonder. You never know when a moment you have with someone may be your last. I'm not trying to be depressing, but actually the opposite. Live life! Enjoy it! Take it all in! Don't waste your time being upset about things that really don't matter. You will regret it if you do. And don't spend your time wishing away the present so you can make it to something more exciting in the future. If you can't savor the things in your life now, then when those exciting things actually do come, you won't be able to truly enjoy it because you will be so used to looking forward to something better. Learn to take joy in the ordinary things of life.

I am just inspired! I want to go find Jake and give him a huge hug and tell him how much I love him. But, then again, I'm pretty sure he already knows. Or at least I hope so :) I do know that no one could ever love him as much as I do. Okayyyy....enough with the mushy stuff. Back to the real world and the fact that it is Friday night and I am alone in my dorm room....blogging. aannd, I have no plans for this weekend. How sad is it that when I don't get to see him for a weekend I am completely planless? I should probably do something about that....

i dare you

I dare you to hold my hand even when you don’t want to; just because you know I like it.
I dare you to rub my back when I don’t ask you to, just because you can’t keep your hands off me.
I dare you to take me stargazing and hold me in your arms until it gets light outside.
I dare you to tell your friends you can’t go out tonight because you want to see me.
I dare you to miss me.
I dare you to take me out on a date and not think about how much money you spend.
I dare you to buy me a little black dress and take me dancing even though you don’t know how.
I dare you to look into my eyes and tell me that I look beautiful, even when I don’t, and especially when I
don’t feel like I do.
I dare you to take me on a day trip to the beach, because you know I love it so much.
I dare you to pray for me for me more than you pray for yourself.
I dare you to tell me whenever you think about me throughout the day.
I dare you to be serious in a moment that demands it, instead of always trying to lighten the mood.
I dare you to take crazy-faced pictures with me.
I dare you to buy me flowers for absolutely no reason.
I dare you to show me affection in public because you know it makes me feel special.
I dare you to kiss me with all your heart every single time.
I dare you to listen intently to my pointless stories and not let your mind wander.
I dare you to ask me if I want to talk just because we haven’t done so in a while.
I dare you to not have any regrets.
I dare you to not be afraid to think about the future and what you really want.
I dare you to tell me everything you are thinking when I ask you.
I dare you to ask God how to be the man you need to be.
I dare you to do whatever it takes to make me feel like a princess every single day, even when you are tired or don’t feel like it.
I dare you to pray with me and mean it with all your heart because you want to make this work.
I dare you to fight for me. To fight for us.
I dare you to not hold anything back. Ever.
I dare you to love me.
I promise that, if you do this, you will see that a woman is like a rose- if she doesn’t get the attention she needs, she will wilt, but if you give her love, care, and attention, she will bloom more beautifully than you could ever imagine and will love you all the more.

But love is a two-way bond.

I promise I will do my share.
I promise that you will get everything you need in return.
I promise that you will be respected.
I promise that I will pray for you more than I pray for myself.
I promise that I will help you be the man God wants you to be.
I promise that I will listen intently to you.
I promise that I will let you have plenty of male- bonding time, because I know it’s important.
I promise that I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.
I promise that I will put your desires before my own.
I promise that I will love you more than you could ever imagine.
I promise that you will never have to go looking anywhere else for affection.
I promise that I won’t scare you too much with my talk of the future.
I promise that I will pray with you with all my heart.
I promise that I will fight for you. Fight for us.
I promise that I will never hold anything back. Ever.
I promise that you will not regret it.

The Spaces Between

It's been a while Since I've seen the sun.
All the snow and rain
Have hidden it from sight.
But today-
Today is a day of change.
The breaks in the clouds-
They have brought hope.
Hope of warmer weather
And a break from all this work.
Would that I could be like that.
To be the space between the clouds-
Clouds of despair, discouragement, and sadness.
To let in the light of the Son
For those that are struggling,
On days that seem dark,
When life looks dismal.
May I be a beam of light,
Radiating the love of my Jesus
To refresh any who are weary,
Thirsty for something more.
So let the clouds break

And reveal the spaces between.

Unattainable Beauty

Today I was on my computer playing around on my Stumble bar, and this link popped up and it caught my attention immediately. I have always been aware of just how much movie stars and pop singers and just about everyone else who is in the spotlight at one time or another has posed for pictures that have later been edited and changed, so much so that sometimes the pictures don't even look like the real image of that person. I think it is so sad how much our culture is trying to brainwash women into thinking that they should be a size 2 or 4 or even a 6, and that anything else is not beautiful.

This model (real image on the left) was fired from Ralph Lauren for being overweight. At the time she was 5' 8" and 120 pounds. The right is an image of her photoshopped body

I am not gonna try and act like I have never been the victim of this ploy. It is difficult to live in this culture and not in some way be dissatisfied with something about your body because you see these images and for some reason think it is what is desirable. Well, in a sense, it is what is desirable today. But I can't tell you how many men I know that look at pictures of models and many movie stars and think that they are too skinny. Now, some guys may think that image is desirable, and I don't know how many do or don't, but it shouldn't matter. We are not in this world to please men anyways. We were placed in this world to be in it and not of it, but yet we are so caught up in our appearances that it's not even funny. Just check out this link:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/231629 ...be sure to click on the red "View Gallery" link at the bottom!

I think you will be surprised at how much these

women have been altered, but we look at magazines and pictures and automatically feel like that's what they really look like, and naturally, since they're beautiful, we want to be like them. But the sad part is that these altered pictures display an image of something that really is unattainable. Granted, there are girls that are a size 2, 4 or 6 in this world. I am one of them. But that is not the point. The point is that these women are portrayed as perfect in EVERY WAY. They have no blemishes, cellulite, or stray hairs. They have perfectly even skin tones, toned arms and legs, and even abs that actually go IN. To be honest with you, I have seen a lot of beautiful girls in my life, but none that had absolutely zero flaws. That is the lie they want you to believe. Check out this video as well:

Extreme (Photoshop) Makeover  ....this is a video that shows the step by step process of how photos are edited. It is so crazy to see how each and every one of the changes is made.

The Bible has an incredibly different view on this issue. I'll let God's words speak for themselves:

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." Proverbs 31:30

"Your adornment must not be merely external- braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God." 1 Peter 3:3-4

"The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him for He is your Lord." Psalm 45:11

"...you are precious in My sight...you are honored and I love you." Isaiah 43:4

Don't take this as the rantings and ravings of a dissatisfied girl who is mad because I am insecure about my body and am tired of feeling discouraged when I look at these pictures. No, I'm not perfect. But I have been educated enough not to let my mind by completely infiltrated with this trash. But what makes me the most mad is that all the girls that are growing up in our culture who are uneducated about this issue and automatically believe that those women are real and that they should look like them, even when they are already dangerously underweight. There is such an obsession with cosmetic surgery, diet plans, diet pills, and liposuction that it's ridiculous. Let's stop for a second and realize that this image of beauty is not real, unattainble, and that God thinks we're beautiful because we're made in his image. Let's learn to respect what He has created in us and while we can be health-conscious and eat healthy and excerise to keep his temple holy, we can do it in a beneficial way and know at the same time that no matter what we look like or what size we are, we truly are beautiful in his sight.

wildflowers

It's on days like this, when I look out my window and all I see is snow (in the air, mind you, not the ground) against the ever unfinished dorm next to mine....that I picture myself outside in the middle of a huge field of daisies. They're my favorite, for the record. I will carry them in my wedding (ok, woah, that's way off topic...ha). Anyways, today was absolutely miserable, weather-wise. It was bitter cold and flurrying, and on top of that, the wind was absolutely relentless. Good thing I didn't fix my hair. It would've ended up in a wad atop my head if I had. I literally couldn't feel my face when I got to class...and it's a good thing that it was almost in the 60's last week because they turned off the heat in the psych building. Quite possibly the oldest building on campus. Genius idea. Personally, I would rather sweat than be cold in class. In my dorm room, its a different story because I can cover up with a blanket or something. But seriously, today in class, I barely took notes because my hands were too cold. Not to mention the fact that I was still wearing my coat and scarf so that made it sort of difficult because I felt like the Michelin Man. awesome. Also, it's a good thing that every single one of my classes is in that building. I'm not sure what I would do if I actually got to have class in one of the brand new buildings on campus. But no, us psych majors prefer to stick with the old way of doing things....in the building that might as well be labeled as an antique. Maybe we should sell it and get some money out of it. It might be worth something at this point...

....back to the daisies in my head. I close my eyes, and all I see is green. I am walking in a field filled with daisies, with the mountains looming before me, all the trees thick with foilage. I lift my head, face to the sun, and try to drink in those few moments of bliss before I am yanked back to reality by a slamming door or gust of whistling wind outside my window...ah how I long for the days of summer when I have no worries and my greatest concern is getting a tan or what I'm going to wear on my date that weekend. Summer, hurry up please :)

But even on a day like this, I look around me and can't help but stand in awe of the goodness of my Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. His love knows no bounds. I will never understand why there are so many people, especially Christians, that feel the need, (for whatever reason) to label themselves as "sinners" every day of their lives. Granted, they realize that they are loved and that God's grace abounds, but I don't think that's the way we're supposed to live. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I know that I am a saint. I may not be perfect, and I may mess up and make mistakes, but my identity is in no way a "sinner." I am Christ's beloved, His child, and He is my bridegroom! I'm pretty sure He doesn't want me telling myself I'm a sinner every day when I wake up. He has already won the victory over sin! That means that I don't have to live in defeat. Yes, I can still appreciate His amazing love and grace for my life, because I am able to acknowledge that I am not perfect and I still need Him, in every moment of every day. I just find that it is easier for me to see His goodness when I am focusing on that instead of my pathetic sins. If I focus on those, it means that I don't think God's expression of love is big enough to cover the sins of my past, present and future. But it is big enough. HE is big enough! Praise the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me bless His holy name! ♥

my God's fanatical love

so I've been thinking lately...does the fact that I like to blog make me a nerd? yeah, I think it does. haha but it's okay because I love write :)

On a completely different note, I am reading a new book, "The Ragamuffin Gospel," by Brennan Manning. It is SO radical, and I absolutely love it! It talks all about how we are ragamuffins, are broken, beat up, tired, and weak, and to pretend that we understand God and everything that His love entails would be ludacris. It talks a lot about faith and how it is wanting God and at the same time wanting to not want anything else. Wow! If I could get to that place, where I didn't even want anything other than Jesus, I think my priorities would finally fall into place. In the past I have talked a little bit about the people who pretend that their lives are perfect and that everything is always wonderful, and what a shame that is because if you miss out on the inconsistencies in life, you will fail to see God's amazing goodness and love. Well, I had never read anything of the sort, I just kind of thought of it one day, but then, tonight as I was reading, I came across this:

"There are some real problems with projecting the perfect image. First of all, it's simply not true-we are not always happy, optimistic, in command. Second, projecting the flawless image keeps us from reaching people who feel we just wouldn't understand them. And third, even if we could live a life with no conflict, suffering, or mistakes, it would be a shallow existence. The Christian with depth is the person who has failed and who has learned to live with it." -Brennan Manning

Dang! Preach it brother! haha but seriously, I really feel this to be true. Because honestly, if I know someone who always has it together and nothing in their life ever seems to go wrong, I'm definitely gonna be less likely to share my struggles and problems with them because I'll feel like they're either judging me or won't understand, so I'm wasting my time anyways.

This book also talks a lot about faith, and how real faith is always growing and developing. It can't be stagnant, finished, or settled. If the things that constitute my Christian life and faith (prayer, Bible study, worship, songs, church, etc.) become routine, then they are, in all reality, dead. They are useless to me. So I have been sitting here pondering my faith and whether or not it is actually growing. There are days when I feel as if it is, and that God is really moving and speaking to me. But there are other days when I feel like a mere shadow, and that nothing I do is getting me anywhere, or that I am listening for God's still, small voice but can't hear it over the noise of my everyday life. Man, how do I get to that place where I am all ears? Where God doesn't have to tell me the same thing over and over and over and over and over. When will I learn the lessons He's been trying to teach me for years?
It frustrates me about myself.
But then, I remember that my salvation and acceptance has nothing to do with what I do or don't do. It has everything to do with what I believe. And when I finally understand that God's love for me is so crazy, unfathomable, and unreasonably amazing, and that there is nothing I can do to make Him love me more, then I will see...actually I'll probably only see the floor because I'll fall flat on my face in reverence before the King of Glory. I know I can't save myself by doing what's right or by not doing what's wrong. I have been saved. I have been washed. I have been raised to new life!

New Year, New Me...hopefully :)

Wow. The start of this new year has made me realize just how much I have taken for granted over the past year. Yes, I have been very thankful at times, when it is appropriate, but there also have been many more times when I have failed to acknowledge the Source of Life and the fact that every good thing I have comes from God my Savior. There is nothing that I have that has not been given to me, in some form or another. This morning when I woke up I journaled for a bit and prayed for a bit, asking God to really transform my life and show me the things that I need to change about myself, and reveal the things that are holding me back from becoming the person that He wants me to be. I tend to be so many of the things that I am called NOT to be...selfish, quick to speak, quick to become frustrated or angry, impatient, not loving others unconditionally, and not very joyful at all.

That is not the person that I want to be. Not at all.

This brought me to think about some of my new year's resolutions. Some are a little personal, but most just have to do with the way I live my life, every single day.

1. I want to pray more for others, instead of just always for myself. This comes with becoming unselfish and recognizing others' problems and the fact that they are as significant, if not more, than your own. I want to get there so bad!!!!!!!! I just wanna stop thinking of myself so much.

Jake is a perfect example of that. He came and sat with me for 6 days (!!!) after my surgery. What guy does that? He was so incredibly attentive and affectionate and always made sure that I was comfortable and that I didn't need anything. He never once complained about the fact that we were sitting around doing nothing and he was probably bored out of his mind. Nope, he just made sure I didn't need anything and said that he would've stayed a month if that's how long it would've taken me to feel better. Wow. He is so unselfish...I know I can learn alot from him :)

2. I want to start mangaging my money in a way that is pleasing to God and not just spending it on little things or going out to eat flippantly....I've really been convicted of that and I know that I need to start saving anyways. I am going to start keeping track of every little thing on paper, instead of just online, and see what percentage of my money is going where, and make sure I am being a good steward of the things that God has given me. Because I don't have an income and clearly, money doesn't grow on trees last time I checked....man, wouldn't that be nice. haha.

3. I plan to spend more quality time in the Word this year. Reading a chapter or 2 a day is NOT enough, no matter what I want to tell myself. The only way that I am going to grow closer to the Lord and really become more like Him is when I start really getting deep into his Word and studying the details of Him and who He is. I am pretty excited about it too! Now only to figure out which book to start in...they're all so good!

4. The last one that I will share publicly (haha) is to learn to enjoy the little things more...to really savor the special moments in my life instead of always trying to hurry my life along. "Stop and smell the roses" I guess is a good cliche for that one...but I wanna do it in my own way ya know. Really learn to slow down and live the sweet little moments in life.

my family is one of the precious things in my life, and I hope I never take any of them for granted...

Psalm 19

Well, I was right...getting my wisdom teeth out has been zero fun sir...except that I can't complain one bit about the company and great care I've been so lucky to have :)

As Jake and I were sitting on the couch this afternoon, watching some game (who even knows what it was), I had just woken up from a nap thanks to the meds from my wisdom teeth surgery. By the way...that stuff really does the trick. I woke up feeling pretty horrible this morning, my jaw was throbbing and the holes in the right side of my mouth were hurting pretty good...so I took some in hopes that it would go away soon. I'm also on an antibiotic to prevent any infections that may arise...anyways, I have felt much better after that. All I'm saying is thank goodness for pain meds :)

Anyways, we were sitting there, and my grandmother called and asked us to go take a picture of the sunset with her camera, so I decided to take mine out there too. Man, it just goes to show how oblivious we are unless we're looking for beauty. This world is filled with beauty and breathtaking things, but if we are caught up in our own lives and our own problems, we will never "stop to smell the roses." I literallly walked outside and just stood there, in awe of the wonderful things my Daddy has created. There is a song that Rebecca St. James sings that goes "The heavens declare you are God, and the mountains rejoice. The oceans sing Allelujah, as we worship you Lord!" The moments in which I actually take time to appreciate the things around me and stand in awe of my Creator are, I believe, the very thing I, and everyone else, were created for. Yes, there are plenty of things in this world that are man-made, but nothing that makes me or probably anyone else stand in awe and complete reverence than a beautiful sunset, sunrise, or mountain view that was made by the hands of the One who also put the stars in their place.

I am reminded of the verse in Psalm 19 that says, "The heavens are telling the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands." I think sometimes about how people who can stand before something as unbelievably incredible as this, or as a baby being born, and truly believe that there is no God. How could any human, or any other being other than an omnipotent and omniscient Father, create anything as perfect or wonderful? The thought of that baffles me. I guess it's because I have always known the Source of Life. But isn't it our job to tell others of this wonderful knowledge!?

uh, so for the past hour or so, I've been watching Jake play Wii bowling with my grandparents, and it's so hilarious. Just funny....and extremely entertaining. don't really know what else I can say other than that, but it's just a great thing to watch, and it makes me smile. I love watching him with all of my family...he is one of us, that's for sure :)

So, I guess I get to eat some more soup for dinner....dude I am so ready to eat some chips and salsa, a big steak, or really anything other than liquids or soft foods. Don't get me wrong, I love me some milkshakes and mac and cheese, but, I'm ready for something crunchy without pain! haha....now to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy for the 3rd night in a row. Man, I could win some money if I went on some of these shows....

that's over the $12 limit!!!

So, I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow, and I'm totally not looking forward to it at all. The only good thing about it is that Jake is here and will be here to take care of me afterwards. Otherwise, it's gonna be zero fun sir. I've heard so many stories about how crazy people act after they leave because they're all drugged up and have no idea what's going on...haha so I guess we'll see how that goes lol. I know for a fact that I'm gonna be eating a ton of jello and soup and milkshakes over the next week. Fine, maybe I'm totally okay with that :)

Christmas this year has been SO good! Just everything about it has been amazing. My grandparents flew Colby home and surprised us all and it was so awesome. I started crying when he came in the door...after I screamed and gave him a huge hug of course :) The whole family has gotten along, there has been minimal arguing, lots of laughter and plenty of good food and fellowship :) I will say one thing though, my family is ridiculously crazy. I never know what to expect, that's for sure. My brother and my 2 cousins bought tacky Christmas sweaters at Goodwill and wore them for pictures. Here is a little preview:

Our family decided to be economically friendly this year for Christmas, so we decided that whoever's name that we drew, we had to buy their present at a thrift store, and it had to be under $12. That way, we would be able to enjoy our time together more and remember the real Reason for the season and not worry about money. So, after we had all opened our presents, which actually was really fun to be able to see all the treasures people found, my mom decided to make a statement. She calls Colby over to her and announces that she got the best Christmas present ever, and that was having her son home for Christmas, to which my cousin Whitney responds, "Yeah, you can't get that at a thrift store."

Then, my other cousin Brian, the one featured above on the far left, shouts, "Wait, that's over the $12 limit!!!!!!" and everyone busted out laughing....it was hilarious! :)

Jake and I had a wonderful Christmas too, and even though we didn't spend as much on each other as we have in the past, it was special just to spend Christmas Eve together at my house. I am beginning to realize what things are really important...and the things that are not. I have no guarantee of the future, but that's okay because I know that my Jesus is in control! I am just glad that Jake will be here with me this week to take care of me after I get my wisdom teeth out. He has a way of making me smile when I am down or upset :)

ok...one last thing.....I respect the heck out of Santa's elves.

let's just say that I learned my lesson this year. When I have kids, I will never, ever, buy a toy that has to be put together and has a bajillion pieces. Holly bought a play kitchen for Savannah, and at 11pm on Christmas Eve, after everyone left our house, we decided we should probably put it together....it was absolutely ridiculous and we wanted to shoot ourselves. 2 1/2 hours later, we realized that IT WAS MISSING A PIECE! good heavens are you kidding me?!?! anyways, here's just a peek at our madness:

this is probably not surprising, but afterwards, or maybe during the process, the two children pictured on the box ended up with holes in their faces from the screwdriver...haha needless to say it was quite a frustrating process. But, it was worth it, because my niece absolutely loved it. But, she will never know the pain and anger we went through to give her that gift. We'll spare her ears for now, but maybe we'll tell her the truth one day.

So, my life is wonderful, and I love my family and I love my Jesus. I am so thankful for the fact that he chose to become a human and live a perfect life in order to die as the perfect sacrifce and be raised to life to cleanse us of our sins and offer us the free gift of salvation and eternal life! Praise Him! :)

*holiday happenings*

So I am keeping my niece this morning, and it is absolutely one of the best things in the world. One of my friends is about to be an aunt, and she was asking me the other day what it was like, and I found myself going on and on about her and I just couldn't explain to her how incredibly wonderful it is to have a little baby in the family. She is just learning to say my name, and even though it's not actually my name, and it sounds more like "nana," it is still the sweetest sound in the world :) When she woke up this morning, I went in there and picked her up, and she just gave me a huge hug and wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed with all her might. It was the most adorable thing ever ♥

This weekend was sooo much fun! I went to Jake's house since none of my family was home, and we watched Christmas movies, played in the snow and built a ginormous snowman, went to church, and just got to hang out and enjoy each other's company :) These past 4 months apart have really made me savor every moment we get together. Last night we went to Dollywood and then came back to my house and made a gingerbread house. It was tons of fun! He is not a huge fan of taking pictures, but he does it with me because he knows I love it...haha. When we built our snowman, Jake thought it would be hilarious to put a certain....appendage...on it to identify it's gender, but I told him that we're not on Dumb and Dumber. lol. We're crazy sometimes though ha. ok....so maybe, we are dumb and dumber. haha we goof around probably more than we're serious, but that's just the way we are and I'm okay with that :)

Last night when we were making our gingerbread house, I didn't realize it was the first one that he had ever made, but that's what made it so special and so much fun. The kit we got came with little a Santa, a Rudolph, and an Abominable snowman figure. It was really cute....but then again really, who would want those 3 characters around their gingerbread house? I know I wouldn't want the Abominable snowman...he actually looks pretty scary so I'm not really sure whey a kid would want that there, but who even knows. The things people come up with these days...

We're pretty fun, if I do say so myself :)

♥ ♥ ♥

-my friends keep me sane-

I just need to talk a little bit about my girlfriends for a second :) they are so amazing. I feel like God has blessed me so much with the friendships he has given me in them. The 5 of us have an inseperable bond and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I am close to each of them in different ways, and each of our relationships is unique, which is something I love so so much.

We call ourselves "The Fab 5," "Hott Pants," and probably many other random things. The memories we share together are unforgettable, and 2 1/2 years together have definitely only helped us grow closer.

Sometimes we are a little crazy...but for the most part, we keep ourselves under control :)

So, we clearly have made some bonds that I don't think will ever be broken. From the inside jokes, fun nights, hours of laugher, to the hot tub nights, I'm pretty sure we've made a mark on history ♥

♥ we live a beautiful life indeed ♥

♥ fight the good fight ♥

It is waaay to early to be up right now. okay, so it's not that early, or at least not near as early as I used to get up, earlier in the semester. but, in the past 3 days, I've slept over 30 hours...pretty impressive huh? how is it that I sleep more during finals week than I do on a regular basis? I guess it's just because I'm trying to fight this dumb cold...it will not get the best of me, thanks to gummy vitamins, mucinex, and vitamin water...I will prevail! :)

I have 2 finals today, and then one more tomorrow, and then I'm done...finally! Erin and Katie were done yesterday, and Katie w. gets done in about 2 hours. not fair. I guess that's just my fault for having the most ridiculous schedule ever, thus the most ridiculous exam schedule. ugh. I am just so ready to be home, on break, hanging out with Jake. I've been saying that alot lately, but seriously, that's how I feel. These past couple weeks have been so good, but they also are just a taste of how hard this long-distance relationship is gonna be :( For the record, I SUCK at long-distance relationships. but, on the bright side, he and I have a ton of potential, and so I'm not really worried about it, I just hate missing people so much, that's all...

So, some of my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents are all coming to OUR house for Christmas. Like, Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas dinner....and I'm totally excited don't get me wrong, but it's gonna be pretty chaotic. haha but when is being with any of my family not chaotic? and the answer is never. because of that, and the fact that some of those cousins are from FL and never ever get to see snow, I'm gonna need for us to have a white Christmas. That would be so wonderful :) it's been a long time since I've seen a white Christmas. The songs about it are nice, but that's only if you live in like Colorado or something. I bet they take all that snow for granted! Heck, they probably even get tired of it...heelllloooooooo! those of us who live down here in the southeast would love it if you all could share the WEALTH! k but seriously.

sweet restoration

love restored, love renewed
it's a beautiful thing, in fact
what I always prayed for.
excitement, joy, and happiness
are abundant as before
but these cannot exist
without fear.
fear of failure, fear of loss
there are no guarantees.
but, indeed, there are a few:
grace, redemption, joy
these are indestructible
and the guarantee of sovereignty
this still exists
always exists.
perspective is everything
for if you lose that
you've lost your eyes
lost your understanding.
see it now
see it always
see it against the horizon
lined with 3 wooden crosses.
no one can tell you what to do
or how to see.
it is your life.
your choice.
don't waste it.
♥

final thoughts...

personally, i think finals are stupid. (i'm not real sure if there's a student who thinks they aren't, but I know that's how I feel...) I guess I just feel like, "hey, I've been in your class all semester, you know that I know the information, because I've done the assignments and passed all the other tests...why this pointless extra evaluation of my knowledge. why do I have to keep proving myself to you? Why can't there be like in high school, where if you had a certain average, you didn't have to take the final?" man, if that was the case, I would've been on Christmas break since Wednesday. Instead, here I am, in my dorm room, doing everything I can to procrastinate and put off my studying. Probably not the best idea I've had, but oh well. Going home this weekend made me feel like I was already on break, and now I really don't wanna take finals. ha. ahh well I guess. Finish strong is what I've heard since I was in middle school...

This weekend our whole family (minus Colby...sad!) went to Dollywood, and it was alot of fun. My little niece is probably the cutest thing ever made, and I can't wait for there to be another little one running around come summer :) Dollywood is such a family tradition, and I love that we all got to go and see the lights and drink hot chocolate and see the shows (especially "Christmas in the Smokies"....that's always been our favorite!) I loved being home this weekend, and I am just so ready for Christmas to get here so I can relax and read for FUN!! (what's that? i think i forgot! ha)....hence, my attitude towards exams. lol.

Jake and I went Christmas shopping on Friday, and I got everybody's present except for one! I was pretty proud of myself haha. Jake, however, only bought one. ok two, if you count the awesome Nike kicks he bought for Savannah :) but he doesn't have as many people to buy for as I do, so he'll be okay. I feel so bad for him because he has soooo much work to do, because he has finals this week to :( he said one of his take-home statistics tests would take him a solid 10-12 hours of hard work and focus. yikes. and on top of that, he still has 2 other finals to study for :(

yuck I hate studying.

which is something I should probably be doing right now...

but I think I'll go eat some dinner first, and then maybe start after that. haha.

I am just ready for Thursday :) I get to see Jake finally and then we will both get to be done and this time he and I will get to go to Dollywood!! He didn't get to go with our family this time because he had to administer a final exam for an undergraduate class at ETSU on saturday. yucky yucky. but he is such a good student :) i am so proud of him.

so...I guess I should probably do something productive. but first, I am hungry :)

ramblings on this blustery day...

Windiest day of my life.
hands down. I seriously had trouble walking earlier, even moreso than normal. lol :)
fine, sometimes I am sort of clumsy, and my roommate can vouch for the fact that I have horrible balance in the mornings.
But really, the wind is unbelievable. I'm just glad it's not cold outside!

I am so thankful for new days :)
All the worries, cares, frustrations, and other random emotions of the previous day are free to find their way out of my life and mind, and with wind like this, hopefully they'll blow far far away! The sun is shining, my life is beautiful, and I have wonderful friends. A couple of us girls are thinking of going to my house tonight and getting in the hot tub and having a "girls' night" hehe. so hopefully, if my mom gets all the chemicals it needs, that will be loads of fun! If not, we'll just do it at Katelyn's house! ya ya ya!

Tomorrow is "Dead Day," a day after the last day of classes that is allotted for studying and other studious things. But to tell the truth, I don't know many people who actually use it for that. I know I'm not going to. I have better things to do. Like babysit my beautiful niece :) Her mommy, my sister Jennifer, is pregnant again (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but she has been really sick like she was with Savannah, so she's at the doctor now getting IV fluids because she's so dehydrated. It makes me so sad, I just want her to get better! She is so incredibly strong, and I have no idea how she goes to school, works, has a baby and a husband, is pregnant, and keeps up the house and works on her graduate thesis. craziness if you ask me. try superwoman.

John Mayer speaks to my soul on a regular basis.
Jake says he's a womanizer.
I say he's brilliant and irresistable. haha.

I feel so scatter-brained....my mind is reeling. Ugh I have one more class to go to in...oh....16 minutes...featuring a most likely boring presentation, and then I'm done with class for the semester..freakin finally. and then next Thursday, I'm home. I can't want to make a gingerbread house and lots of other goodies, wrap presents (but first I need to buy some! haha), spend time with family, and just chill. Christmas break can't get here fast enough.

Yesterday when I walked out of my dorm, it was raining and windy, and I could just tell it was the end of semester/finals week because over half of the people I saw were wearing sweatpants and or a hat. Gotta love the end of the semester. It's like senioritis, but every single semester. Fortunately, I was actually wearing jeans...with leggings underneath because it was FREEZING. ugh. I just think it's funny how alot of people (excluding me) dress really nice at the beginning of the semester because "you never know who is going to be in your classes..." whereas I prefer to dress casually in t shirts and jeans or sweatpants or shorts on a regular basis so people know what they're getting right away. No mystery here. i have no one to impress. who am i kidding.
the one guy I might care about getting dressed up for is 1 1/2 hours away and prefers me to wear jeans and a t shirt anyways, so i'm good.
:)

class now. ughhhhh

issues solved :)

I have issues. haha.
ok not like serious issues, but just like random things that I think about sometimes or that let bother me that shouldn't....
I wonder almost every other day how some people can be so strange...or how two people can carry on a conversation in your very presence and never once acknowledge that you are even there. It seems like there should be common rules of courtesy that apply in situations like that, but apparently not.
OR! how people can carry on a text message conversation ABOUT YOU when they are sitting on either side of you. awesome. lol.
ugh I am so beyond ready for Christmas break. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love college and all my friends here, but I am ready to get away for a while...a long while. I am excited to hang out with my family and just get a ton of quality time where they are concerned. We're hoping to find a way to fly Colby home for Christmas, but it doesn't look promising...
Aside from all that, and perhaps despite all of that, I am still insanely blessed. I really and seriously have nothing to complain about.
I have a Father and Savior who loves me, and family who would do anything for me, friends who care about me, and a man who loves me. So basically, I have it made.
At the end of the day, no matter what happens, who offends me or ignores me or talks bad about me, my life is still good and I have to remember the perspective that I have gained over the past couple of months.
Whenever I feel the strongest is when Satan attacks me the most. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster of emotions today, from down, to cheery, to tired, to wired, to excited, to frustrated and hurt. But, as I sit here, before I get ready for bed, I am still able to keep my chin up and be thankful that my FATHER is in control and he loves me and has a plan for me. And the perspective that he has given me is more important than anything. HE is preeminent. HE is sovereign. HE is GOOD!
And even if i feel down and defeated at the end of the day, I can always cling to the beautiful truths that are offered in his love letter to me :)
"Nevertheless I am continually with you. You have taken hold of my right hand. With your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:23-26
♥

[ i am thankful ]

My family is crazy....every last one of them. But I wouldn't have them any other way :) Thanksgiving break was so good. At times, it was a little crazy and I didn't know what to do with myself, but for the most part, it was filled with fun, family, friends, good food, laughter, and plenty of love. Everytime I am around my family, I realize just how blessed I am. This morning in church, the pastor asked us each to think of one thing we were thankful for and write it down, and then we all spoke it out loud in a prayer of thanksgiving to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It was so beautiful to hear all the voices of my church family raised in praise and gratefulness to my Lord. When asked to think of something I was thankful for, the first thing I thought of was my family. Yes, sometimes they drive me crazy and I just wanna pull my hair out, but most of the time, I can't help but be grateful for how close each and every one of us is.

It wasn't the same this year not having my big brother at home to tease me and beat up on me, but I know he is doing well out in CA. We all missed him alot, and are trying to figure out a way to fly him home for Christmas, assuming he gets some time off. If not, we're definitely going to mail him some sort of package with some goodies from home. I can't imagine being away from my family on the holidays, and I know he gets lonely out there sometimes. But it just goes to show what a good man he is that on Thanksgiving he told us he was going to take some homeless people out for a nice dinner. What a witness. He is such a man of God, he inspires me.

Only a week and a half of classes, then finals, then home for Christmas :) I am so excited to see what God has in store for these next couple of months. As I look back on my life 2 years, or even 1 year ago, things were so different. But seeing all that I have been through, how I have grown and matured, and how those around me have grown and matured, I am more in love with my Jesus every day for his grace and goodness towards me. Why he chose to bless me the way he did, I'll never know, but all I know is I'm thankful for it!

AHHH! my best friend and roommate is engaged and I couldn't stop screaming when she told me!! Her relationship with her now fiance is so beautiful, and it shows me just what to look for in a relationship. I am soooo happy for her and I can't wait to see her tomorrow so we can talk about all the details! :) Life is so wonderful right now. Even though I am still sort of unsure about some things, I am not worried, anxious, or anything. I am trusting. God is in control and he knows best, and he'll show me his will when I'm ready to know it!

Praise the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me praise His holy name!

[nothing to do but pray]

I find myself today in a situation.
Not just any situation.
This is tough. Life-changing.
There are so many expectations placed on me,
And yet I have no idea how to meet any of them,
Much less all.
In fact, it is quite impossible to meet all of them at the same time.
Does anyone deserve a second chance?
What makes that a valid request?
Would I be a fool to give in?
Would I be a fool not to?
I hear voices of people all around me,
People who have been there,
And people who think they've been there.
I am so much more utterly confused than I have ever been.
And yet I still am at peace because I know its not in my hands.
Just pray.
Just give it up.
I am not in control.
Only HE knows where all this is headed.
So I should take HIS advice and no one else's.
I am at a crossroads.
I am at a loss.
But I can't wait to see what I am going to gain,
When I know not what to do but pray.
:)

Words are Never Enough

Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed at how amazing my Jesus is, that I honestly don't have any words. I want to express it, whether in song, poetry, or just a prayer, but my heart is so much bursting with love and joy that I can't put it in a box of words. And it's not just this time in my life...yes, things in my life right now are incredible and couldn't be any better, but that is not the point. My life has always been this blessed. And when I look back on it, I realize just how blessed I was, just how much God had given me and how much he was always doing in my life, and I wish I hadn't failed to see it. I wish I hadn't failed to be grateful and to live my life in a way that glorifies Him daily. I am so full of anticipation right now about so many things, but it's not an impatient anticipation. I just can't wait to see what God has next!!

Colby made it safely to California, but still hasn't found a place to live...he did, however, start going to one of the churches out there that Katie worked at this summer in Clovis, and he said he likes it alot. I am glad that he can get plugged in out there and feel as if he belongs. I think he's really stressed about finding a place to live, and money is a huge issue...

Holy cow am I excited about this weekend!! Between Erick Baker, Four-wheeling, playing Wii, eating, talking, and all the wonderful company I'm going to have while doing all that...it's just gonna be amazing :) Sometimes I find myself wondering what I have done to deserve such a blessed life, but then I stop and realize that none of it comes as a result of anything I have done... every bit of it is because of God's great love! AND I just think it is so incredibly cool to look back on the things that have happened in my life and see how, even though I didn't always understand at the time, God orchestrated them all out perfectly to get me to where I am today. He has taught me so so so much, and I have grown a love for learning from his very heart. What a blessing and divine privilege ♥

Blessings

mmmm....what a great day :)
The fall leaves are absolutely breathtaking, and while I'm not a huge fan of cold weather, today was nice. Not too hot, not too cold. I got to see Colby this morning before he left for California...there's just something about your big brother going away for 6 months that just makes you want to cry, but I stayed strong ha. He's driving all the way out there, and plans to sleep in his truck in Wal-Mart parking lots until he gets there so he doesn't have to pay for a place to stay. Diesel fuel is going to be expensive enough...2,300 miles...yikes! I've just been praying all day for his safety and just that God would be his passenger :)

Well, this week is going well, but we just had fall break and I'm already ready for Thanksgiving! Man I think I'm just ready to be out in the real world lol. It'll be weird not having Colby home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but I hope to send him a care package or something around the holidays.....and maybe, just maybe, go see him for SB 2010 :) we'll see about that though haha.

I am so pumped about this weeked because MCF is doing a tailgate (free BBQ) before the football game on saturday, and then I'm going home with K Wiggs to hang out with her and Caleb and then go to church with her on Sunday. I am just so thankful for her, she's amazing :)

and holy cow, can I just say that GOD IS SO GOOD!! No matter what I'm going through, whether storm, valley, or mountaintop, blessed be the name of the Lord. He has brought me through everything stronger than I was before-but not to me O Lord, but to You be the glory! For He is strong in my weakness. I am soooo amazed at how far he has brought me even in just the past 3 months. I am in such a place where I don't even want my will anymore--I just want what HE wants for me. I am so completely surrendered that I don't worry anymore about my future--how freeing is that!?!?! :) ahh He amazes me and I am so in love with HIM!!
I only pray that He would empty me of my selfish desires and fill me with His love and grace so that I might overflow into the lives of others...may I be so priveleged.

Amateurs in Love

Love can't be contained, limited, or put in a box. You can never be too busy for love. That would go against all laws of nature. If you don't nurture it, it will wilt like a beautiful flower thirsting for water.
It takes work.
It takes sacrifice.
It takes a conscious effort to take your eyes off yourself and focus on the other person, no matter what. You only must ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" Love can't be selfish. God himself is love, and if He had been selfish, we would all be without hope. It's the same with humans. If we are selfish with our love, and let little things get in the way, we will all be hopeless. We will all be let down. We will all be defeated. So do whatever it takes to show your love to those you hold dear. Don't let a day go by without them being sure of you love for them. For yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may not come. Today is the only slot of time we really have. Don't ever assume those you love "just know" without you showing them.
We all need affirmation. And sometimes, even though it is easy to say "I love you," we have to remember that actions will always speak louder than words. There is a song that says, "we are all amateurs; we try to get it right; we keep messin' up but we're learnin. When the day is done, I wanna know, how do you love someone-how do you really love someone?" And the only answer is Jesus Christ. Whether it is someone you dislike, your friends, your family, or your significant other-learn how THEY need to be loved, and put your whole heart into it. Christ gave his life for his friends. What will we do for those that we care about? Do they know we love them? That we thought about them today? That we are praying for them? If we don't love each other, and learn how to put others first, we will never truly be happy. ♥

"See how great a love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God, for such we are!" -1 John 3:1

"[If I] do not have love, I am nothing." -1 Corinthians 13:2b

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love." -1 John 4:7-8

Thirsty

I haven't been here in awhile
And while I still savor the sweetness of last,
Somehow the goodness still seems to dissipate.
I have read things that have not been written,
Heard things that have not been spoken
With a pen, or with a voice.
Yet even in the light of this wonder
For some reason I choose to stare blankly at the page.
I choose to drown out the sound with my own noise.
But oh how I eagerly await the day
When my senses are heightened, my emotions peak.
And I let myself get lost in those words.
My spirit is renewed like never before
My soul flies to heights unreachable.
And my heart sings melodies unsung.
Somehow still, my heart breaks in the following silence.
It breaks for all the chances I have missed,
All the opportunities that remain ungrasped.
But yearning for the past is without end
So I look up. I look ahead.
Apprehensively yearning, this time for something more.

"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

My Worst Fear

I have always been afraid of certain things...spiders, sketchy old men in dark parking lots, staying the night home alone...you know, normal things. But my worst fear in the entire world was always that those I love, my friends, family, and or significant other would just stop loving me one day. I watched my dad walk out on my mom after almost 30 years of marriage and still to this day cannot fathom what makes you just stop loving someone, just like that. Ever since then, it has been a fear of mine that someone I loved would just walk out on me for seemingly no reason at all. As of about 3 months ago, I was in a very significant relationship with a guy for almost 2 whole years, the man I thought was the love of my life that I was going to marry. He always assured me that he wanted to be with me and that he wasn't my father and that our love was different. And I made the mistake of believing it.

Tonight I found one of my old journals from over a year ago, where I was expressing my fears to the Lord and I said (referring to the guy I was dating): "What if I choose to love him for all the right reasons, and then he chooses to walk away? I'm so afraid. I'm so scared of not being loved."

That was over a year ago. About 11 months later, he walked away. Just like that.

But here I am today, alive and well. I realize now that I was forced to face my worst fear head on, and I survived. But by the grace of God. He taught me that it was HIS love all along that was sustaining me. HIS love is all I need. HIS love is unconditional and everlasting. No human can give that to you, and you'd be a fool to think they can. I learned the hard way. Now I know, with the power of the Lord God Almighty, I can face anything and everything with Him by my side. For His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.

Always in His Hand

Today I realized just how incredibly big God is. I mean, I've always known he was big, but today I just felt him. I've been going through a lot of hard stuff here recently, and I've always heard the cliche phrase "Let go and let God," but I never really understood the freedom that simple act can bring you. Last night I did something that was preceded by a ton of prayer, thought, and consideration. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I know it was right and I trust that God will bless me for it. I guess the main thing is that you don't realize how big God is and how much he actually IS in control, until you give him control, and he takes over. I always thought I had given my whole self over to God, but last night I realized there are still areas of my life that I'm holding onto and trying to control. So I laid them down. He can have them. He can do what he wants. I know that he has a plan and a purpose amidst all this muck, and from his perspective, it is being woven into a beautiful masterpiece. He is worth trusting in. Trusting in myself in others up till now has gotten me nowhere. But now I am in this place where HE has ALL of me. I'm not holding anything back. And just when I let go of everything, that's when I feel most free. Which, for me, is somewhat ironic, because I am a perfectionist and a control freak. But in this case, letting go brought more freedom and peace than I have ever felt in my entire life. Holy cow, its blowing my mind :)

I feel so insanely blessed to be living the life I'm living. The hand of the Lord covers me, holds me, protects me, stays me, blesses me, guides me, and is with me all times, even in the darkness.

I was reading in Psalm today, and it was talking about the Israelites hundreds of years ago, and how they strayed from God over and over and over. Yet, every single time, God had compassion on them and drew them close to his side once again.
"Then they cried to the Lord in trouble, and he brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:28-30

Wow.

I saw a church sign today that said "Need a lifeguard? Ours walks on water." Clever? Yes. True? Also yes. Our God is a God of miracles and wonders, and if we're not careful, we're going to miss them if we blink. It blows my mind that God is watching over ME, that he has a plan for ME, that he desires to prosper ME, but he does. What an incredible feeling! What a river of joy and peace that runneth through me! May I be a fountain and not a drain.

Whisper to My Heart

Whisperings in my head
Mutterings in my heart
As I lie awake in my bed
We're too many miles apart.
I wish I could hear you say
Just once more how you love me
That you wanted me to stay
But I can't make you see.
I wasn't what you wanted
I couldn't be what you needed
Every thought of you is haunted
To escape them I have pleaded.
You'll never know my heart
You can't possibly understand
I've always known you were smart
But this you'd have to feel firsthand.
To let go feels like I'm losing
Falling fast into the unknown
It all becomes even more confusing
My thoughts reel like a cyclone.
But in the calm after the storm
Still here I lie
Still feeling lukewarm
Still hoping to evade goodbye.

Free Falling

This joy I feel inside me
Can no longer be compared with anything of this world.
It surpasses all understanding
And permeates even my inner being.
This joy comes from the knowledge in my heart-
The knowledge that God is sovereign
And all my days belong to Him.
He will do what is best for me,
Because that's what a good Father does.
I feel the hand of the Lord guiding me.
I feel it more strongly than I ever have before.
Even exceeding this joy in my soul
Is this every-mounting peace.
It floods my heart and mind with every step.
I let myself fall-completely and fully-
Into the arms of my ever-loving Jesus-
Into the lap of the Father who made me.
I am loved. I am adored. I am secure.
No one can ever pluck me from His hand.
I am safe here forever.

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27: 13-14

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped. Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him." Psalm 28:7

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness; that my soul may sing praise to you and not be silent, O Lord my God I will give thanks to You forever!" Psalm 30:11-12

The Crippled Runner

One day this summer my mom and I got in a terrible fight...we both said things we didn't mean, and she accused me of some things that weren't true at all. I was so mad...just plain angry. Literally, my body was shaking because I was so mad. I went upstairs and changed into my running clothes because I knew I had to get out of the house and let off some steam. I put my iPod in and turned on some loud music to drown out my thoughts. During that run I had one of the most incredible experiences of my life. God spoke to me so clear in that short amount of time, but He gave me the most radical perspective shock I have ever had....

My feet pounded on the asphalt
Conquering the road before me.
Anger surged in my veins,
As I tried in vain to run it out.
I was pensive, stubborn, and completely spent.

And then I saw before me
An incredible sight:
A father and son.
The older one was strong, lean and healthy,
While the younger was crippled, weak, and braced.
I ran, my heart breaking at the sight,
Wondering why I was blessed with strong legs,
And he with deformed ones.
To think about that family,
And everything they have been through,
Was hard enough-until I ran by them.
I fought back tears as the boy stopped and stared,
Smiling up at me as if I were a superhero.
I was humbled, broken.
Compassion welled up inside me,
Wishing I had the power to let him run with me...

I saw them later from a distance,
The stark differences in height more apparent now;
And as they walked, side by side, I smiled inside.
What a beautiful picture of God's love for us!
We are crippled, weak and tired.
But we are still His children.
And he will be with us every step of the way,
To catch us when we fall,
And to help us back to our feet.

My Beloved

My Beloved,
I just want you to learn to live loved.
Stop trying to take what is simple and make it complex.
You don't have to have it all figured out.
Just be with Me.
I know you are afraid of uncertainty, afraid of the future, but how do you expect me to save you unless you trust me?
I want you to know that you are free to love without an agenda.
Why is it that in your pain you assume the worst of Me?
I would travel any road to find you.
My grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering, you will find My grace in many facets and colors.
I want you to know that guilt will never help you find freedom in me.
And even when you don't understand, My love is a lot bigger than your stupidity... :)

The Fight For Beauty

This poem kind of goes along with my last post, talking about beauty in this world. I got really fired up one night talking to a guy friend about movies in our culture and how it has become a normal thing to see nudity in movies, and usually boys don't think much about it because it is virtually everywhere. Personally I feel like it is degrading to women, and it subconsciously puts us up against a standard that we will never be able to attain. If the boys of our generation, the ones we are supposedly going to marry, have seen a million other nude women in movies and tv shows, what is going to make me special to my husband on our wedding night, especially since I'm not near as perfect as those women?? And the answer is nothing. Every girl wants to be seen as special, but thanks to the media of our time, this is a very hard thing to come by...

I want to be the one girl in the room that stands out.
The one that catches his eye
And makes him want to learn more about me.
I want to be intriguing, mysterious, and breathtaking.
I want to be different.
But this standard of perfection I've been placed against-
Not by me or him, but by everyone else-
It's tearing me down.
It makes me think I'm not good enough,
That no matter what I do I'll never measure up.
Every woman just wants to be loved for who she is,
Not be judged by her inadequacies.
The best treasures must be sought out,
And are never found at the surface.
So why are we being taught the opposite?
Those girls, the ones plastered always before us,
They're not real.
So why would I ever want to be like them?
Because they are the object of desire-
The ideal woman.
The words that define us: short, tall, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly...what is their purpose?
We use them only to compare ourselves to others.
And in our hearts, all the girls in the world, they cry out one question,
And they've been seeking the answer since the day they were born:
Am I Beautiful??

Am I Beautiful?

I grew up with 2 sisters and a mother in my house and have always had a relatively large group of girlfriends. I have noticed that every single girl I know has issues with their appearance. Whether they struggle with acne, weight, or they simply don't like the way they look, we all are discontent with the way we have been made. Sure, our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made, but sometimes, when you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, that is the last thing you feel like. I struggled a lot last year with this and I decided one morning to put my thoughts into words.

The day begins, without waiting for my consent.
How I wish I could keep it from coming,
At least until I'm ready for it.
I look in the mirror, but I can't see past the flaws.
They say I'm beautiful, but I'm not really sure
What that word means anymore.
I want to believe it, but I can't seem to convince myself.
I walk-head down-not looking anyone in the eye.
I don't have to wonder what they're thinking.
Hiding in my room would be so much easier,
At least till it's over-at least for now.
But the world is so beautiful, I don't want to miss out.
And I know my Father looks at me in the eyes-no matter what.
He thinks I'm beautiful, and He is the only one that matters.
So I'll hold my head high, look up at the sky,
And enjoy the day ahead of me.
Because after all, I don't know how many more I'll have.