Psalm 19

Well, I was right...getting my wisdom teeth out has been zero fun sir...except that I can't complain one bit about the company and great care I've been so lucky to have :)

As Jake and I were sitting on the couch this afternoon, watching some game (who even knows what it was), I had just woken up from a nap thanks to the meds from my wisdom teeth surgery. By the way...that stuff really does the trick. I woke up feeling pretty horrible this morning, my jaw was throbbing and the holes in the right side of my mouth were hurting pretty good...so I took some in hopes that it would go away soon. I'm also on an antibiotic to prevent any infections that may arise...anyways, I have felt much better after that. All I'm saying is thank goodness for pain meds :)

Anyways, we were sitting there, and my grandmother called and asked us to go take a picture of the sunset with her camera, so I decided to take mine out there too. Man, it just goes to show how oblivious we are unless we're looking for beauty. This world is filled with beauty and breathtaking things, but if we are caught up in our own lives and our own problems, we will never "stop to smell the roses." I literallly walked outside and just stood there, in awe of the wonderful things my Daddy has created. There is a song that Rebecca St. James sings that goes "The heavens declare you are God, and the mountains rejoice. The oceans sing Allelujah, as we worship you Lord!" The moments in which I actually take time to appreciate the things around me and stand in awe of my Creator are, I believe, the very thing I, and everyone else, were created for. Yes, there are plenty of things in this world that are man-made, but nothing that makes me or probably anyone else stand in awe and complete reverence than a beautiful sunset, sunrise, or mountain view that was made by the hands of the One who also put the stars in their place.

I am reminded of the verse in Psalm 19 that says, "The heavens are telling the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands." I think sometimes about how people who can stand before something as unbelievably incredible as this, or as a baby being born, and truly believe that there is no God. How could any human, or any other being other than an omnipotent and omniscient Father, create anything as perfect or wonderful? The thought of that baffles me. I guess it's because I have always known the Source of Life. But isn't it our job to tell others of this wonderful knowledge!?

uh, so for the past hour or so, I've been watching Jake play Wii bowling with my grandparents, and it's so hilarious. Just funny....and extremely entertaining. don't really know what else I can say other than that, but it's just a great thing to watch, and it makes me smile. I love watching him with all of my family...he is one of us, that's for sure :)

So, I guess I get to eat some more soup for dinner....dude I am so ready to eat some chips and salsa, a big steak, or really anything other than liquids or soft foods. Don't get me wrong, I love me some milkshakes and mac and cheese, but, I'm ready for something crunchy without pain! haha....now to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy for the 3rd night in a row. Man, I could win some money if I went on some of these shows....

that's over the $12 limit!!!

So, I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow, and I'm totally not looking forward to it at all. The only good thing about it is that Jake is here and will be here to take care of me afterwards. Otherwise, it's gonna be zero fun sir. I've heard so many stories about how crazy people act after they leave because they're all drugged up and have no idea what's going on...haha so I guess we'll see how that goes lol. I know for a fact that I'm gonna be eating a ton of jello and soup and milkshakes over the next week. Fine, maybe I'm totally okay with that :)

Christmas this year has been SO good! Just everything about it has been amazing. My grandparents flew Colby home and surprised us all and it was so awesome. I started crying when he came in the door...after I screamed and gave him a huge hug of course :) The whole family has gotten along, there has been minimal arguing, lots of laughter and plenty of good food and fellowship :) I will say one thing though, my family is ridiculously crazy. I never know what to expect, that's for sure. My brother and my 2 cousins bought tacky Christmas sweaters at Goodwill and wore them for pictures. Here is a little preview:

Our family decided to be economically friendly this year for Christmas, so we decided that whoever's name that we drew, we had to buy their present at a thrift store, and it had to be under $12. That way, we would be able to enjoy our time together more and remember the real Reason for the season and not worry about money. So, after we had all opened our presents, which actually was really fun to be able to see all the treasures people found, my mom decided to make a statement. She calls Colby over to her and announces that she got the best Christmas present ever, and that was having her son home for Christmas, to which my cousin Whitney responds, "Yeah, you can't get that at a thrift store."

Then, my other cousin Brian, the one featured above on the far left, shouts, "Wait, that's over the $12 limit!!!!!!" and everyone busted out laughing....it was hilarious! :)

Jake and I had a wonderful Christmas too, and even though we didn't spend as much on each other as we have in the past, it was special just to spend Christmas Eve together at my house. I am beginning to realize what things are really important...and the things that are not. I have no guarantee of the future, but that's okay because I know that my Jesus is in control! I am just glad that Jake will be here with me this week to take care of me after I get my wisdom teeth out. He has a way of making me smile when I am down or upset :)

ok...one last thing.....I respect the heck out of Santa's elves.

let's just say that I learned my lesson this year. When I have kids, I will never, ever, buy a toy that has to be put together and has a bajillion pieces. Holly bought a play kitchen for Savannah, and at 11pm on Christmas Eve, after everyone left our house, we decided we should probably put it together....it was absolutely ridiculous and we wanted to shoot ourselves. 2 1/2 hours later, we realized that IT WAS MISSING A PIECE! good heavens are you kidding me?!?! anyways, here's just a peek at our madness:

this is probably not surprising, but afterwards, or maybe during the process, the two children pictured on the box ended up with holes in their faces from the screwdriver...haha needless to say it was quite a frustrating process. But, it was worth it, because my niece absolutely loved it. But, she will never know the pain and anger we went through to give her that gift. We'll spare her ears for now, but maybe we'll tell her the truth one day.

So, my life is wonderful, and I love my family and I love my Jesus. I am so thankful for the fact that he chose to become a human and live a perfect life in order to die as the perfect sacrifce and be raised to life to cleanse us of our sins and offer us the free gift of salvation and eternal life! Praise Him! :)

*holiday happenings*

So I am keeping my niece this morning, and it is absolutely one of the best things in the world. One of my friends is about to be an aunt, and she was asking me the other day what it was like, and I found myself going on and on about her and I just couldn't explain to her how incredibly wonderful it is to have a little baby in the family. She is just learning to say my name, and even though it's not actually my name, and it sounds more like "nana," it is still the sweetest sound in the world :) When she woke up this morning, I went in there and picked her up, and she just gave me a huge hug and wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed with all her might. It was the most adorable thing ever ♥

This weekend was sooo much fun! I went to Jake's house since none of my family was home, and we watched Christmas movies, played in the snow and built a ginormous snowman, went to church, and just got to hang out and enjoy each other's company :) These past 4 months apart have really made me savor every moment we get together. Last night we went to Dollywood and then came back to my house and made a gingerbread house. It was tons of fun! He is not a huge fan of taking pictures, but he does it with me because he knows I love it...haha. When we built our snowman, Jake thought it would be hilarious to put a certain....appendage...on it to identify it's gender, but I told him that we're not on Dumb and Dumber. lol. We're crazy sometimes though ha. ok....so maybe, we are dumb and dumber. haha we goof around probably more than we're serious, but that's just the way we are and I'm okay with that :)

Last night when we were making our gingerbread house, I didn't realize it was the first one that he had ever made, but that's what made it so special and so much fun. The kit we got came with little a Santa, a Rudolph, and an Abominable snowman figure. It was really cute....but then again really, who would want those 3 characters around their gingerbread house? I know I wouldn't want the Abominable snowman...he actually looks pretty scary so I'm not really sure whey a kid would want that there, but who even knows. The things people come up with these days...

We're pretty fun, if I do say so myself :)

♥ ♥ ♥

-my friends keep me sane-

I just need to talk a little bit about my girlfriends for a second :) they are so amazing. I feel like God has blessed me so much with the friendships he has given me in them. The 5 of us have an inseperable bond and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I am close to each of them in different ways, and each of our relationships is unique, which is something I love so so much.

We call ourselves "The Fab 5," "Hott Pants," and probably many other random things. The memories we share together are unforgettable, and 2 1/2 years together have definitely only helped us grow closer.

Sometimes we are a little crazy...but for the most part, we keep ourselves under control :)

So, we clearly have made some bonds that I don't think will ever be broken. From the inside jokes, fun nights, hours of laugher, to the hot tub nights, I'm pretty sure we've made a mark on history ♥

♥ we live a beautiful life indeed ♥

♥ fight the good fight ♥

It is waaay to early to be up right now. okay, so it's not that early, or at least not near as early as I used to get up, earlier in the semester. but, in the past 3 days, I've slept over 30 hours...pretty impressive huh? how is it that I sleep more during finals week than I do on a regular basis? I guess it's just because I'm trying to fight this dumb cold...it will not get the best of me, thanks to gummy vitamins, mucinex, and vitamin water...I will prevail! :)

I have 2 finals today, and then one more tomorrow, and then I'm done...finally! Erin and Katie were done yesterday, and Katie w. gets done in about 2 hours. not fair. I guess that's just my fault for having the most ridiculous schedule ever, thus the most ridiculous exam schedule. ugh. I am just so ready to be home, on break, hanging out with Jake. I've been saying that alot lately, but seriously, that's how I feel. These past couple weeks have been so good, but they also are just a taste of how hard this long-distance relationship is gonna be :( For the record, I SUCK at long-distance relationships. but, on the bright side, he and I have a ton of potential, and so I'm not really worried about it, I just hate missing people so much, that's all...

So, some of my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents are all coming to OUR house for Christmas. Like, Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas dinner....and I'm totally excited don't get me wrong, but it's gonna be pretty chaotic. haha but when is being with any of my family not chaotic? and the answer is never. because of that, and the fact that some of those cousins are from FL and never ever get to see snow, I'm gonna need for us to have a white Christmas. That would be so wonderful :) it's been a long time since I've seen a white Christmas. The songs about it are nice, but that's only if you live in like Colorado or something. I bet they take all that snow for granted! Heck, they probably even get tired of it...heelllloooooooo! those of us who live down here in the southeast would love it if you all could share the WEALTH! k but seriously.

sweet restoration

love restored, love renewed
it's a beautiful thing, in fact
what I always prayed for.
excitement, joy, and happiness
are abundant as before
but these cannot exist
without fear.
fear of failure, fear of loss
there are no guarantees.
but, indeed, there are a few:
grace, redemption, joy
these are indestructible
and the guarantee of sovereignty
this still exists
always exists.
perspective is everything
for if you lose that
you've lost your eyes
lost your understanding.
see it now
see it always
see it against the horizon
lined with 3 wooden crosses.
no one can tell you what to do
or how to see.
it is your life.
your choice.
don't waste it.
♥

final thoughts...

personally, i think finals are stupid. (i'm not real sure if there's a student who thinks they aren't, but I know that's how I feel...) I guess I just feel like, "hey, I've been in your class all semester, you know that I know the information, because I've done the assignments and passed all the other tests...why this pointless extra evaluation of my knowledge. why do I have to keep proving myself to you? Why can't there be like in high school, where if you had a certain average, you didn't have to take the final?" man, if that was the case, I would've been on Christmas break since Wednesday. Instead, here I am, in my dorm room, doing everything I can to procrastinate and put off my studying. Probably not the best idea I've had, but oh well. Going home this weekend made me feel like I was already on break, and now I really don't wanna take finals. ha. ahh well I guess. Finish strong is what I've heard since I was in middle school...

This weekend our whole family (minus Colby...sad!) went to Dollywood, and it was alot of fun. My little niece is probably the cutest thing ever made, and I can't wait for there to be another little one running around come summer :) Dollywood is such a family tradition, and I love that we all got to go and see the lights and drink hot chocolate and see the shows (especially "Christmas in the Smokies"....that's always been our favorite!) I loved being home this weekend, and I am just so ready for Christmas to get here so I can relax and read for FUN!! (what's that? i think i forgot! ha)....hence, my attitude towards exams. lol.

Jake and I went Christmas shopping on Friday, and I got everybody's present except for one! I was pretty proud of myself haha. Jake, however, only bought one. ok two, if you count the awesome Nike kicks he bought for Savannah :) but he doesn't have as many people to buy for as I do, so he'll be okay. I feel so bad for him because he has soooo much work to do, because he has finals this week to :( he said one of his take-home statistics tests would take him a solid 10-12 hours of hard work and focus. yikes. and on top of that, he still has 2 other finals to study for :(

yuck I hate studying.

which is something I should probably be doing right now...

but I think I'll go eat some dinner first, and then maybe start after that. haha.

I am just ready for Thursday :) I get to see Jake finally and then we will both get to be done and this time he and I will get to go to Dollywood!! He didn't get to go with our family this time because he had to administer a final exam for an undergraduate class at ETSU on saturday. yucky yucky. but he is such a good student :) i am so proud of him.

so...I guess I should probably do something productive. but first, I am hungry :)

ramblings on this blustery day...

Windiest day of my life.
hands down. I seriously had trouble walking earlier, even moreso than normal. lol :)
fine, sometimes I am sort of clumsy, and my roommate can vouch for the fact that I have horrible balance in the mornings.
But really, the wind is unbelievable. I'm just glad it's not cold outside!

I am so thankful for new days :)
All the worries, cares, frustrations, and other random emotions of the previous day are free to find their way out of my life and mind, and with wind like this, hopefully they'll blow far far away! The sun is shining, my life is beautiful, and I have wonderful friends. A couple of us girls are thinking of going to my house tonight and getting in the hot tub and having a "girls' night" hehe. so hopefully, if my mom gets all the chemicals it needs, that will be loads of fun! If not, we'll just do it at Katelyn's house! ya ya ya!

Tomorrow is "Dead Day," a day after the last day of classes that is allotted for studying and other studious things. But to tell the truth, I don't know many people who actually use it for that. I know I'm not going to. I have better things to do. Like babysit my beautiful niece :) Her mommy, my sister Jennifer, is pregnant again (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but she has been really sick like she was with Savannah, so she's at the doctor now getting IV fluids because she's so dehydrated. It makes me so sad, I just want her to get better! She is so incredibly strong, and I have no idea how she goes to school, works, has a baby and a husband, is pregnant, and keeps up the house and works on her graduate thesis. craziness if you ask me. try superwoman.

John Mayer speaks to my soul on a regular basis.
Jake says he's a womanizer.
I say he's brilliant and irresistable. haha.

I feel so scatter-brained....my mind is reeling. Ugh I have one more class to go to in...oh....16 minutes...featuring a most likely boring presentation, and then I'm done with class for the semester..freakin finally. and then next Thursday, I'm home. I can't want to make a gingerbread house and lots of other goodies, wrap presents (but first I need to buy some! haha), spend time with family, and just chill. Christmas break can't get here fast enough.

Yesterday when I walked out of my dorm, it was raining and windy, and I could just tell it was the end of semester/finals week because over half of the people I saw were wearing sweatpants and or a hat. Gotta love the end of the semester. It's like senioritis, but every single semester. Fortunately, I was actually wearing jeans...with leggings underneath because it was FREEZING. ugh. I just think it's funny how alot of people (excluding me) dress really nice at the beginning of the semester because "you never know who is going to be in your classes..." whereas I prefer to dress casually in t shirts and jeans or sweatpants or shorts on a regular basis so people know what they're getting right away. No mystery here. i have no one to impress. who am i kidding.
the one guy I might care about getting dressed up for is 1 1/2 hours away and prefers me to wear jeans and a t shirt anyways, so i'm good.
:)

class now. ughhhhh

issues solved :)

I have issues. haha.
ok not like serious issues, but just like random things that I think about sometimes or that let bother me that shouldn't....
I wonder almost every other day how some people can be so strange...or how two people can carry on a conversation in your very presence and never once acknowledge that you are even there. It seems like there should be common rules of courtesy that apply in situations like that, but apparently not.
OR! how people can carry on a text message conversation ABOUT YOU when they are sitting on either side of you. awesome. lol.
ugh I am so beyond ready for Christmas break. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love college and all my friends here, but I am ready to get away for a while...a long while. I am excited to hang out with my family and just get a ton of quality time where they are concerned. We're hoping to find a way to fly Colby home for Christmas, but it doesn't look promising...
Aside from all that, and perhaps despite all of that, I am still insanely blessed. I really and seriously have nothing to complain about.
I have a Father and Savior who loves me, and family who would do anything for me, friends who care about me, and a man who loves me. So basically, I have it made.
At the end of the day, no matter what happens, who offends me or ignores me or talks bad about me, my life is still good and I have to remember the perspective that I have gained over the past couple of months.
Whenever I feel the strongest is when Satan attacks me the most. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster of emotions today, from down, to cheery, to tired, to wired, to excited, to frustrated and hurt. But, as I sit here, before I get ready for bed, I am still able to keep my chin up and be thankful that my FATHER is in control and he loves me and has a plan for me. And the perspective that he has given me is more important than anything. HE is preeminent. HE is sovereign. HE is GOOD!
And even if i feel down and defeated at the end of the day, I can always cling to the beautiful truths that are offered in his love letter to me :)
"Nevertheless I am continually with you. You have taken hold of my right hand. With your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:23-26
♥

[ i am thankful ]

My family is crazy....every last one of them. But I wouldn't have them any other way :) Thanksgiving break was so good. At times, it was a little crazy and I didn't know what to do with myself, but for the most part, it was filled with fun, family, friends, good food, laughter, and plenty of love. Everytime I am around my family, I realize just how blessed I am. This morning in church, the pastor asked us each to think of one thing we were thankful for and write it down, and then we all spoke it out loud in a prayer of thanksgiving to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It was so beautiful to hear all the voices of my church family raised in praise and gratefulness to my Lord. When asked to think of something I was thankful for, the first thing I thought of was my family. Yes, sometimes they drive me crazy and I just wanna pull my hair out, but most of the time, I can't help but be grateful for how close each and every one of us is.

It wasn't the same this year not having my big brother at home to tease me and beat up on me, but I know he is doing well out in CA. We all missed him alot, and are trying to figure out a way to fly him home for Christmas, assuming he gets some time off. If not, we're definitely going to mail him some sort of package with some goodies from home. I can't imagine being away from my family on the holidays, and I know he gets lonely out there sometimes. But it just goes to show what a good man he is that on Thanksgiving he told us he was going to take some homeless people out for a nice dinner. What a witness. He is such a man of God, he inspires me.

Only a week and a half of classes, then finals, then home for Christmas :) I am so excited to see what God has in store for these next couple of months. As I look back on my life 2 years, or even 1 year ago, things were so different. But seeing all that I have been through, how I have grown and matured, and how those around me have grown and matured, I am more in love with my Jesus every day for his grace and goodness towards me. Why he chose to bless me the way he did, I'll never know, but all I know is I'm thankful for it!

AHHH! my best friend and roommate is engaged and I couldn't stop screaming when she told me!! Her relationship with her now fiance is so beautiful, and it shows me just what to look for in a relationship. I am soooo happy for her and I can't wait to see her tomorrow so we can talk about all the details! :) Life is so wonderful right now. Even though I am still sort of unsure about some things, I am not worried, anxious, or anything. I am trusting. God is in control and he knows best, and he'll show me his will when I'm ready to know it!

Praise the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me praise His holy name!

[nothing to do but pray]

I find myself today in a situation.
Not just any situation.
This is tough. Life-changing.
There are so many expectations placed on me,
And yet I have no idea how to meet any of them,
Much less all.
In fact, it is quite impossible to meet all of them at the same time.
Does anyone deserve a second chance?
What makes that a valid request?
Would I be a fool to give in?
Would I be a fool not to?
I hear voices of people all around me,
People who have been there,
And people who think they've been there.
I am so much more utterly confused than I have ever been.
And yet I still am at peace because I know its not in my hands.
Just pray.
Just give it up.
I am not in control.
Only HE knows where all this is headed.
So I should take HIS advice and no one else's.
I am at a crossroads.
I am at a loss.
But I can't wait to see what I am going to gain,
When I know not what to do but pray.
:)

Words are Never Enough

Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed at how amazing my Jesus is, that I honestly don't have any words. I want to express it, whether in song, poetry, or just a prayer, but my heart is so much bursting with love and joy that I can't put it in a box of words. And it's not just this time in my life...yes, things in my life right now are incredible and couldn't be any better, but that is not the point. My life has always been this blessed. And when I look back on it, I realize just how blessed I was, just how much God had given me and how much he was always doing in my life, and I wish I hadn't failed to see it. I wish I hadn't failed to be grateful and to live my life in a way that glorifies Him daily. I am so full of anticipation right now about so many things, but it's not an impatient anticipation. I just can't wait to see what God has next!!

Colby made it safely to California, but still hasn't found a place to live...he did, however, start going to one of the churches out there that Katie worked at this summer in Clovis, and he said he likes it alot. I am glad that he can get plugged in out there and feel as if he belongs. I think he's really stressed about finding a place to live, and money is a huge issue...

Holy cow am I excited about this weekend!! Between Erick Baker, Four-wheeling, playing Wii, eating, talking, and all the wonderful company I'm going to have while doing all that...it's just gonna be amazing :) Sometimes I find myself wondering what I have done to deserve such a blessed life, but then I stop and realize that none of it comes as a result of anything I have done... every bit of it is because of God's great love! AND I just think it is so incredibly cool to look back on the things that have happened in my life and see how, even though I didn't always understand at the time, God orchestrated them all out perfectly to get me to where I am today. He has taught me so so so much, and I have grown a love for learning from his very heart. What a blessing and divine privilege ♥

Blessings

mmmm....what a great day :)
The fall leaves are absolutely breathtaking, and while I'm not a huge fan of cold weather, today was nice. Not too hot, not too cold. I got to see Colby this morning before he left for California...there's just something about your big brother going away for 6 months that just makes you want to cry, but I stayed strong ha. He's driving all the way out there, and plans to sleep in his truck in Wal-Mart parking lots until he gets there so he doesn't have to pay for a place to stay. Diesel fuel is going to be expensive enough...2,300 miles...yikes! I've just been praying all day for his safety and just that God would be his passenger :)

Well, this week is going well, but we just had fall break and I'm already ready for Thanksgiving! Man I think I'm just ready to be out in the real world lol. It'll be weird not having Colby home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but I hope to send him a care package or something around the holidays.....and maybe, just maybe, go see him for SB 2010 :) we'll see about that though haha.

I am so pumped about this weeked because MCF is doing a tailgate (free BBQ) before the football game on saturday, and then I'm going home with K Wiggs to hang out with her and Caleb and then go to church with her on Sunday. I am just so thankful for her, she's amazing :)

and holy cow, can I just say that GOD IS SO GOOD!! No matter what I'm going through, whether storm, valley, or mountaintop, blessed be the name of the Lord. He has brought me through everything stronger than I was before-but not to me O Lord, but to You be the glory! For He is strong in my weakness. I am soooo amazed at how far he has brought me even in just the past 3 months. I am in such a place where I don't even want my will anymore--I just want what HE wants for me. I am so completely surrendered that I don't worry anymore about my future--how freeing is that!?!?! :) ahh He amazes me and I am so in love with HIM!!
I only pray that He would empty me of my selfish desires and fill me with His love and grace so that I might overflow into the lives of others...may I be so priveleged.

Amateurs in Love

Love can't be contained, limited, or put in a box. You can never be too busy for love. That would go against all laws of nature. If you don't nurture it, it will wilt like a beautiful flower thirsting for water.
It takes work.
It takes sacrifice.
It takes a conscious effort to take your eyes off yourself and focus on the other person, no matter what. You only must ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" Love can't be selfish. God himself is love, and if He had been selfish, we would all be without hope. It's the same with humans. If we are selfish with our love, and let little things get in the way, we will all be hopeless. We will all be let down. We will all be defeated. So do whatever it takes to show your love to those you hold dear. Don't let a day go by without them being sure of you love for them. For yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may not come. Today is the only slot of time we really have. Don't ever assume those you love "just know" without you showing them.
We all need affirmation. And sometimes, even though it is easy to say "I love you," we have to remember that actions will always speak louder than words. There is a song that says, "we are all amateurs; we try to get it right; we keep messin' up but we're learnin. When the day is done, I wanna know, how do you love someone-how do you really love someone?" And the only answer is Jesus Christ. Whether it is someone you dislike, your friends, your family, or your significant other-learn how THEY need to be loved, and put your whole heart into it. Christ gave his life for his friends. What will we do for those that we care about? Do they know we love them? That we thought about them today? That we are praying for them? If we don't love each other, and learn how to put others first, we will never truly be happy. ♥

"See how great a love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God, for such we are!" -1 John 3:1

"[If I] do not have love, I am nothing." -1 Corinthians 13:2b

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love." -1 John 4:7-8

Thirsty

I haven't been here in awhile
And while I still savor the sweetness of last,
Somehow the goodness still seems to dissipate.
I have read things that have not been written,
Heard things that have not been spoken
With a pen, or with a voice.
Yet even in the light of this wonder
For some reason I choose to stare blankly at the page.
I choose to drown out the sound with my own noise.
But oh how I eagerly await the day
When my senses are heightened, my emotions peak.
And I let myself get lost in those words.
My spirit is renewed like never before
My soul flies to heights unreachable.
And my heart sings melodies unsung.
Somehow still, my heart breaks in the following silence.
It breaks for all the chances I have missed,
All the opportunities that remain ungrasped.
But yearning for the past is without end
So I look up. I look ahead.
Apprehensively yearning, this time for something more.

"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

My Worst Fear

I have always been afraid of certain things...spiders, sketchy old men in dark parking lots, staying the night home alone...you know, normal things. But my worst fear in the entire world was always that those I love, my friends, family, and or significant other would just stop loving me one day. I watched my dad walk out on my mom after almost 30 years of marriage and still to this day cannot fathom what makes you just stop loving someone, just like that. Ever since then, it has been a fear of mine that someone I loved would just walk out on me for seemingly no reason at all. As of about 3 months ago, I was in a very significant relationship with a guy for almost 2 whole years, the man I thought was the love of my life that I was going to marry. He always assured me that he wanted to be with me and that he wasn't my father and that our love was different. And I made the mistake of believing it.

Tonight I found one of my old journals from over a year ago, where I was expressing my fears to the Lord and I said (referring to the guy I was dating): "What if I choose to love him for all the right reasons, and then he chooses to walk away? I'm so afraid. I'm so scared of not being loved."

That was over a year ago. About 11 months later, he walked away. Just like that.

But here I am today, alive and well. I realize now that I was forced to face my worst fear head on, and I survived. But by the grace of God. He taught me that it was HIS love all along that was sustaining me. HIS love is all I need. HIS love is unconditional and everlasting. No human can give that to you, and you'd be a fool to think they can. I learned the hard way. Now I know, with the power of the Lord God Almighty, I can face anything and everything with Him by my side. For His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.

Always in His Hand

Today I realized just how incredibly big God is. I mean, I've always known he was big, but today I just felt him. I've been going through a lot of hard stuff here recently, and I've always heard the cliche phrase "Let go and let God," but I never really understood the freedom that simple act can bring you. Last night I did something that was preceded by a ton of prayer, thought, and consideration. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I know it was right and I trust that God will bless me for it. I guess the main thing is that you don't realize how big God is and how much he actually IS in control, until you give him control, and he takes over. I always thought I had given my whole self over to God, but last night I realized there are still areas of my life that I'm holding onto and trying to control. So I laid them down. He can have them. He can do what he wants. I know that he has a plan and a purpose amidst all this muck, and from his perspective, it is being woven into a beautiful masterpiece. He is worth trusting in. Trusting in myself in others up till now has gotten me nowhere. But now I am in this place where HE has ALL of me. I'm not holding anything back. And just when I let go of everything, that's when I feel most free. Which, for me, is somewhat ironic, because I am a perfectionist and a control freak. But in this case, letting go brought more freedom and peace than I have ever felt in my entire life. Holy cow, its blowing my mind :)

I feel so insanely blessed to be living the life I'm living. The hand of the Lord covers me, holds me, protects me, stays me, blesses me, guides me, and is with me all times, even in the darkness.

I was reading in Psalm today, and it was talking about the Israelites hundreds of years ago, and how they strayed from God over and over and over. Yet, every single time, God had compassion on them and drew them close to his side once again.
"Then they cried to the Lord in trouble, and he brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:28-30

Wow.

I saw a church sign today that said "Need a lifeguard? Ours walks on water." Clever? Yes. True? Also yes. Our God is a God of miracles and wonders, and if we're not careful, we're going to miss them if we blink. It blows my mind that God is watching over ME, that he has a plan for ME, that he desires to prosper ME, but he does. What an incredible feeling! What a river of joy and peace that runneth through me! May I be a fountain and not a drain.

Whisper to My Heart

Whisperings in my head
Mutterings in my heart
As I lie awake in my bed
We're too many miles apart.
I wish I could hear you say
Just once more how you love me
That you wanted me to stay
But I can't make you see.
I wasn't what you wanted
I couldn't be what you needed
Every thought of you is haunted
To escape them I have pleaded.
You'll never know my heart
You can't possibly understand
I've always known you were smart
But this you'd have to feel firsthand.
To let go feels like I'm losing
Falling fast into the unknown
It all becomes even more confusing
My thoughts reel like a cyclone.
But in the calm after the storm
Still here I lie
Still feeling lukewarm
Still hoping to evade goodbye.

Free Falling

This joy I feel inside me
Can no longer be compared with anything of this world.
It surpasses all understanding
And permeates even my inner being.
This joy comes from the knowledge in my heart-
The knowledge that God is sovereign
And all my days belong to Him.
He will do what is best for me,
Because that's what a good Father does.
I feel the hand of the Lord guiding me.
I feel it more strongly than I ever have before.
Even exceeding this joy in my soul
Is this every-mounting peace.
It floods my heart and mind with every step.
I let myself fall-completely and fully-
Into the arms of my ever-loving Jesus-
Into the lap of the Father who made me.
I am loved. I am adored. I am secure.
No one can ever pluck me from His hand.
I am safe here forever.

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27: 13-14

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped. Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him." Psalm 28:7

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness; that my soul may sing praise to you and not be silent, O Lord my God I will give thanks to You forever!" Psalm 30:11-12

The Crippled Runner

One day this summer my mom and I got in a terrible fight...we both said things we didn't mean, and she accused me of some things that weren't true at all. I was so mad...just plain angry. Literally, my body was shaking because I was so mad. I went upstairs and changed into my running clothes because I knew I had to get out of the house and let off some steam. I put my iPod in and turned on some loud music to drown out my thoughts. During that run I had one of the most incredible experiences of my life. God spoke to me so clear in that short amount of time, but He gave me the most radical perspective shock I have ever had....

My feet pounded on the asphalt
Conquering the road before me.
Anger surged in my veins,
As I tried in vain to run it out.
I was pensive, stubborn, and completely spent.

And then I saw before me
An incredible sight:
A father and son.
The older one was strong, lean and healthy,
While the younger was crippled, weak, and braced.
I ran, my heart breaking at the sight,
Wondering why I was blessed with strong legs,
And he with deformed ones.
To think about that family,
And everything they have been through,
Was hard enough-until I ran by them.
I fought back tears as the boy stopped and stared,
Smiling up at me as if I were a superhero.
I was humbled, broken.
Compassion welled up inside me,
Wishing I had the power to let him run with me...

I saw them later from a distance,
The stark differences in height more apparent now;
And as they walked, side by side, I smiled inside.
What a beautiful picture of God's love for us!
We are crippled, weak and tired.
But we are still His children.
And he will be with us every step of the way,
To catch us when we fall,
And to help us back to our feet.

My Beloved

My Beloved,
I just want you to learn to live loved.
Stop trying to take what is simple and make it complex.
You don't have to have it all figured out.
Just be with Me.
I know you are afraid of uncertainty, afraid of the future, but how do you expect me to save you unless you trust me?
I want you to know that you are free to love without an agenda.
Why is it that in your pain you assume the worst of Me?
I would travel any road to find you.
My grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering, you will find My grace in many facets and colors.
I want you to know that guilt will never help you find freedom in me.
And even when you don't understand, My love is a lot bigger than your stupidity... :)

The Fight For Beauty

This poem kind of goes along with my last post, talking about beauty in this world. I got really fired up one night talking to a guy friend about movies in our culture and how it has become a normal thing to see nudity in movies, and usually boys don't think much about it because it is virtually everywhere. Personally I feel like it is degrading to women, and it subconsciously puts us up against a standard that we will never be able to attain. If the boys of our generation, the ones we are supposedly going to marry, have seen a million other nude women in movies and tv shows, what is going to make me special to my husband on our wedding night, especially since I'm not near as perfect as those women?? And the answer is nothing. Every girl wants to be seen as special, but thanks to the media of our time, this is a very hard thing to come by...

I want to be the one girl in the room that stands out.
The one that catches his eye
And makes him want to learn more about me.
I want to be intriguing, mysterious, and breathtaking.
I want to be different.
But this standard of perfection I've been placed against-
Not by me or him, but by everyone else-
It's tearing me down.
It makes me think I'm not good enough,
That no matter what I do I'll never measure up.
Every woman just wants to be loved for who she is,
Not be judged by her inadequacies.
The best treasures must be sought out,
And are never found at the surface.
So why are we being taught the opposite?
Those girls, the ones plastered always before us,
They're not real.
So why would I ever want to be like them?
Because they are the object of desire-
The ideal woman.
The words that define us: short, tall, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly...what is their purpose?
We use them only to compare ourselves to others.
And in our hearts, all the girls in the world, they cry out one question,
And they've been seeking the answer since the day they were born:
Am I Beautiful??

Am I Beautiful?

I grew up with 2 sisters and a mother in my house and have always had a relatively large group of girlfriends. I have noticed that every single girl I know has issues with their appearance. Whether they struggle with acne, weight, or they simply don't like the way they look, we all are discontent with the way we have been made. Sure, our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made, but sometimes, when you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, that is the last thing you feel like. I struggled a lot last year with this and I decided one morning to put my thoughts into words.

The day begins, without waiting for my consent.
How I wish I could keep it from coming,
At least until I'm ready for it.
I look in the mirror, but I can't see past the flaws.
They say I'm beautiful, but I'm not really sure
What that word means anymore.
I want to believe it, but I can't seem to convince myself.
I walk-head down-not looking anyone in the eye.
I don't have to wonder what they're thinking.
Hiding in my room would be so much easier,
At least till it's over-at least for now.
But the world is so beautiful, I don't want to miss out.
And I know my Father looks at me in the eyes-no matter what.
He thinks I'm beautiful, and He is the only one that matters.
So I'll hold my head high, look up at the sky,
And enjoy the day ahead of me.
Because after all, I don't know how many more I'll have.

Beauty Marks

I wrote this next poem back in December of 2008. My parents got divorced in November of my junior year in high school, after my dad walked out on Thanksgiving Day. It was a hard time for my mom and I, as I was the only one of us 4 kids who was left at home at the time. We cried together, prayed together, and grieved together for months, trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives. My parents were married for almost 30 years when he walked out, and still nothing in my mind or heart can help me understand how he thinks that was okay and I wonder if the pain or hurt he caused will every go away. One night last year I was lying in bed and all the pain from everything started to come back because I still have trust issues with any guy I date because of what my dad did. I started thinking about how much I hoped that the things I have gone through in the past don't affect the way I go about my relationships in the future. So, the words of my heart began to pour out onto paper and this is what I came up with:

She looks into the future and hopes it won't be tainted by the past.
She wants so bad to leave it all behind-that it will no longer be a part of who she is.
She has been dealt bitterness, anger, confusion.
And they have given way to knowledge of grace, knowledge of love, and a heart that longs to forgive and forget.
But she wonders how to absolve all the wrong amidst her ubiquitous pain.
The questions she asks will forever remain unanswered.
She feels she is but a face without a name, left to search for herself all alone.
The love that her heart longs for is nothing to her but a fairytale.
Her heart has been shattered like glass and has cut her soul to pieces.
The scars and the pain run deep-too deep for even the sun to shed light on.
But they are not a crutch to lean on. They are not an excuse.
Nay, they are but her beauty marks.
And her tears have cleansed her of her weariness.
For she has found One who is mighty to save.
One who takes great delight in her.
One who quiets her with His love.
One who rejoices over her with singing.
She has discovered her true identity.
And she no longer worries about the future.
For her heart has been spoken for.

Life According to Hannah

Today I got really inspired, even though I'm not really sure by what. I look at people around me and see the way they go about their lives and wonder and how we all have such completely different perspectives on the same situation based on what we have been through and how we interpret our lot. I have been through a lot in my life, and while not all of it has been peaches and cream, if you will, it has all served to make me a stronger and better person. That is all thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who died for me and my sins so that I can live and be free of bondage. And no matter what I go through, I am able to have to outlook on life that my Savior is alive and that He is coming again someday to take me home to be with Him. But in the meantime, I will weather the storms here on earth with a happy heart because I know that His love for me is stronger than anything I could ever conjure up in my mind, or anything that any human could ever give me. So today, as I observe those around me, I am struck by this reality:

I am not a pessimist, I'm a realist. I've learned the hard way that life, no matter how much we try to tell ourselves that it is, is not perfect. Yes, God is good and faithful, and he always does what is best for us in the end. But that doesn't mean that we will always be happy or enjoy what we're going through. God allows us to go through hard times in order to teach us patience, which builds character. I pity those that are constantly trying to convince themselves that their lives are perfect and that nothing ever goes wrong. Because if you fail to see the inconsistencies in life, the things that hurt and are unfair, you will fail to see the goodness of God, his mercy and justice, and his unfathomable great love that covers all our flaws.

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place." 2 Corinthians 2:14