Amateurs in Love

Love can't be contained, limited, or put in a box. You can never be too busy for love. That would go against all laws of nature. If you don't nurture it, it will wilt like a beautiful flower thirsting for water.
It takes work.
It takes sacrifice.
It takes a conscious effort to take your eyes off yourself and focus on the other person, no matter what. You only must ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" Love can't be selfish. God himself is love, and if He had been selfish, we would all be without hope. It's the same with humans. If we are selfish with our love, and let little things get in the way, we will all be hopeless. We will all be let down. We will all be defeated. So do whatever it takes to show your love to those you hold dear. Don't let a day go by without them being sure of you love for them. For yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may not come. Today is the only slot of time we really have. Don't ever assume those you love "just know" without you showing them.
We all need affirmation. And sometimes, even though it is easy to say "I love you," we have to remember that actions will always speak louder than words. There is a song that says, "we are all amateurs; we try to get it right; we keep messin' up but we're learnin. When the day is done, I wanna know, how do you love someone-how do you really love someone?" And the only answer is Jesus Christ. Whether it is someone you dislike, your friends, your family, or your significant other-learn how THEY need to be loved, and put your whole heart into it. Christ gave his life for his friends. What will we do for those that we care about? Do they know we love them? That we thought about them today? That we are praying for them? If we don't love each other, and learn how to put others first, we will never truly be happy. ♥

"See how great a love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God, for such we are!" -1 John 3:1

"[If I] do not have love, I am nothing." -1 Corinthians 13:2b

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love." -1 John 4:7-8

Thirsty

I haven't been here in awhile
And while I still savor the sweetness of last,
Somehow the goodness still seems to dissipate.
I have read things that have not been written,
Heard things that have not been spoken
With a pen, or with a voice.
Yet even in the light of this wonder
For some reason I choose to stare blankly at the page.
I choose to drown out the sound with my own noise.
But oh how I eagerly await the day
When my senses are heightened, my emotions peak.
And I let myself get lost in those words.
My spirit is renewed like never before
My soul flies to heights unreachable.
And my heart sings melodies unsung.
Somehow still, my heart breaks in the following silence.
It breaks for all the chances I have missed,
All the opportunities that remain ungrasped.
But yearning for the past is without end
So I look up. I look ahead.
Apprehensively yearning, this time for something more.

"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

My Worst Fear

I have always been afraid of certain things...spiders, sketchy old men in dark parking lots, staying the night home alone...you know, normal things. But my worst fear in the entire world was always that those I love, my friends, family, and or significant other would just stop loving me one day. I watched my dad walk out on my mom after almost 30 years of marriage and still to this day cannot fathom what makes you just stop loving someone, just like that. Ever since then, it has been a fear of mine that someone I loved would just walk out on me for seemingly no reason at all. As of about 3 months ago, I was in a very significant relationship with a guy for almost 2 whole years, the man I thought was the love of my life that I was going to marry. He always assured me that he wanted to be with me and that he wasn't my father and that our love was different. And I made the mistake of believing it.

Tonight I found one of my old journals from over a year ago, where I was expressing my fears to the Lord and I said (referring to the guy I was dating): "What if I choose to love him for all the right reasons, and then he chooses to walk away? I'm so afraid. I'm so scared of not being loved."

That was over a year ago. About 11 months later, he walked away. Just like that.

But here I am today, alive and well. I realize now that I was forced to face my worst fear head on, and I survived. But by the grace of God. He taught me that it was HIS love all along that was sustaining me. HIS love is all I need. HIS love is unconditional and everlasting. No human can give that to you, and you'd be a fool to think they can. I learned the hard way. Now I know, with the power of the Lord God Almighty, I can face anything and everything with Him by my side. For His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.

Always in His Hand

Today I realized just how incredibly big God is. I mean, I've always known he was big, but today I just felt him. I've been going through a lot of hard stuff here recently, and I've always heard the cliche phrase "Let go and let God," but I never really understood the freedom that simple act can bring you. Last night I did something that was preceded by a ton of prayer, thought, and consideration. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I know it was right and I trust that God will bless me for it. I guess the main thing is that you don't realize how big God is and how much he actually IS in control, until you give him control, and he takes over. I always thought I had given my whole self over to God, but last night I realized there are still areas of my life that I'm holding onto and trying to control. So I laid them down. He can have them. He can do what he wants. I know that he has a plan and a purpose amidst all this muck, and from his perspective, it is being woven into a beautiful masterpiece. He is worth trusting in. Trusting in myself in others up till now has gotten me nowhere. But now I am in this place where HE has ALL of me. I'm not holding anything back. And just when I let go of everything, that's when I feel most free. Which, for me, is somewhat ironic, because I am a perfectionist and a control freak. But in this case, letting go brought more freedom and peace than I have ever felt in my entire life. Holy cow, its blowing my mind :)

I feel so insanely blessed to be living the life I'm living. The hand of the Lord covers me, holds me, protects me, stays me, blesses me, guides me, and is with me all times, even in the darkness.

I was reading in Psalm today, and it was talking about the Israelites hundreds of years ago, and how they strayed from God over and over and over. Yet, every single time, God had compassion on them and drew them close to his side once again.
"Then they cried to the Lord in trouble, and he brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:28-30

Wow.

I saw a church sign today that said "Need a lifeguard? Ours walks on water." Clever? Yes. True? Also yes. Our God is a God of miracles and wonders, and if we're not careful, we're going to miss them if we blink. It blows my mind that God is watching over ME, that he has a plan for ME, that he desires to prosper ME, but he does. What an incredible feeling! What a river of joy and peace that runneth through me! May I be a fountain and not a drain.

Whisper to My Heart

Whisperings in my head
Mutterings in my heart
As I lie awake in my bed
We're too many miles apart.
I wish I could hear you say
Just once more how you love me
That you wanted me to stay
But I can't make you see.
I wasn't what you wanted
I couldn't be what you needed
Every thought of you is haunted
To escape them I have pleaded.
You'll never know my heart
You can't possibly understand
I've always known you were smart
But this you'd have to feel firsthand.
To let go feels like I'm losing
Falling fast into the unknown
It all becomes even more confusing
My thoughts reel like a cyclone.
But in the calm after the storm
Still here I lie
Still feeling lukewarm
Still hoping to evade goodbye.

Free Falling

This joy I feel inside me
Can no longer be compared with anything of this world.
It surpasses all understanding
And permeates even my inner being.
This joy comes from the knowledge in my heart-
The knowledge that God is sovereign
And all my days belong to Him.
He will do what is best for me,
Because that's what a good Father does.
I feel the hand of the Lord guiding me.
I feel it more strongly than I ever have before.
Even exceeding this joy in my soul
Is this every-mounting peace.
It floods my heart and mind with every step.
I let myself fall-completely and fully-
Into the arms of my ever-loving Jesus-
Into the lap of the Father who made me.
I am loved. I am adored. I am secure.
No one can ever pluck me from His hand.
I am safe here forever.

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27: 13-14

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped. Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him." Psalm 28:7

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness; that my soul may sing praise to you and not be silent, O Lord my God I will give thanks to You forever!" Psalm 30:11-12

The Crippled Runner

One day this summer my mom and I got in a terrible fight...we both said things we didn't mean, and she accused me of some things that weren't true at all. I was so mad...just plain angry. Literally, my body was shaking because I was so mad. I went upstairs and changed into my running clothes because I knew I had to get out of the house and let off some steam. I put my iPod in and turned on some loud music to drown out my thoughts. During that run I had one of the most incredible experiences of my life. God spoke to me so clear in that short amount of time, but He gave me the most radical perspective shock I have ever had....

My feet pounded on the asphalt
Conquering the road before me.
Anger surged in my veins,
As I tried in vain to run it out.
I was pensive, stubborn, and completely spent.

And then I saw before me
An incredible sight:
A father and son.
The older one was strong, lean and healthy,
While the younger was crippled, weak, and braced.
I ran, my heart breaking at the sight,
Wondering why I was blessed with strong legs,
And he with deformed ones.
To think about that family,
And everything they have been through,
Was hard enough-until I ran by them.
I fought back tears as the boy stopped and stared,
Smiling up at me as if I were a superhero.
I was humbled, broken.
Compassion welled up inside me,
Wishing I had the power to let him run with me...

I saw them later from a distance,
The stark differences in height more apparent now;
And as they walked, side by side, I smiled inside.
What a beautiful picture of God's love for us!
We are crippled, weak and tired.
But we are still His children.
And he will be with us every step of the way,
To catch us when we fall,
And to help us back to our feet.

My Beloved

My Beloved,
I just want you to learn to live loved.
Stop trying to take what is simple and make it complex.
You don't have to have it all figured out.
Just be with Me.
I know you are afraid of uncertainty, afraid of the future, but how do you expect me to save you unless you trust me?
I want you to know that you are free to love without an agenda.
Why is it that in your pain you assume the worst of Me?
I would travel any road to find you.
My grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering, you will find My grace in many facets and colors.
I want you to know that guilt will never help you find freedom in me.
And even when you don't understand, My love is a lot bigger than your stupidity... :)

The Fight For Beauty

This poem kind of goes along with my last post, talking about beauty in this world. I got really fired up one night talking to a guy friend about movies in our culture and how it has become a normal thing to see nudity in movies, and usually boys don't think much about it because it is virtually everywhere. Personally I feel like it is degrading to women, and it subconsciously puts us up against a standard that we will never be able to attain. If the boys of our generation, the ones we are supposedly going to marry, have seen a million other nude women in movies and tv shows, what is going to make me special to my husband on our wedding night, especially since I'm not near as perfect as those women?? And the answer is nothing. Every girl wants to be seen as special, but thanks to the media of our time, this is a very hard thing to come by...

I want to be the one girl in the room that stands out.
The one that catches his eye
And makes him want to learn more about me.
I want to be intriguing, mysterious, and breathtaking.
I want to be different.
But this standard of perfection I've been placed against-
Not by me or him, but by everyone else-
It's tearing me down.
It makes me think I'm not good enough,
That no matter what I do I'll never measure up.
Every woman just wants to be loved for who she is,
Not be judged by her inadequacies.
The best treasures must be sought out,
And are never found at the surface.
So why are we being taught the opposite?
Those girls, the ones plastered always before us,
They're not real.
So why would I ever want to be like them?
Because they are the object of desire-
The ideal woman.
The words that define us: short, tall, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly...what is their purpose?
We use them only to compare ourselves to others.
And in our hearts, all the girls in the world, they cry out one question,
And they've been seeking the answer since the day they were born:
Am I Beautiful??

Am I Beautiful?

I grew up with 2 sisters and a mother in my house and have always had a relatively large group of girlfriends. I have noticed that every single girl I know has issues with their appearance. Whether they struggle with acne, weight, or they simply don't like the way they look, we all are discontent with the way we have been made. Sure, our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made, but sometimes, when you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, that is the last thing you feel like. I struggled a lot last year with this and I decided one morning to put my thoughts into words.

The day begins, without waiting for my consent.
How I wish I could keep it from coming,
At least until I'm ready for it.
I look in the mirror, but I can't see past the flaws.
They say I'm beautiful, but I'm not really sure
What that word means anymore.
I want to believe it, but I can't seem to convince myself.
I walk-head down-not looking anyone in the eye.
I don't have to wonder what they're thinking.
Hiding in my room would be so much easier,
At least till it's over-at least for now.
But the world is so beautiful, I don't want to miss out.
And I know my Father looks at me in the eyes-no matter what.
He thinks I'm beautiful, and He is the only one that matters.
So I'll hold my head high, look up at the sky,
And enjoy the day ahead of me.
Because after all, I don't know how many more I'll have.

Beauty Marks

I wrote this next poem back in December of 2008. My parents got divorced in November of my junior year in high school, after my dad walked out on Thanksgiving Day. It was a hard time for my mom and I, as I was the only one of us 4 kids who was left at home at the time. We cried together, prayed together, and grieved together for months, trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives. My parents were married for almost 30 years when he walked out, and still nothing in my mind or heart can help me understand how he thinks that was okay and I wonder if the pain or hurt he caused will every go away. One night last year I was lying in bed and all the pain from everything started to come back because I still have trust issues with any guy I date because of what my dad did. I started thinking about how much I hoped that the things I have gone through in the past don't affect the way I go about my relationships in the future. So, the words of my heart began to pour out onto paper and this is what I came up with:

She looks into the future and hopes it won't be tainted by the past.
She wants so bad to leave it all behind-that it will no longer be a part of who she is.
She has been dealt bitterness, anger, confusion.
And they have given way to knowledge of grace, knowledge of love, and a heart that longs to forgive and forget.
But she wonders how to absolve all the wrong amidst her ubiquitous pain.
The questions she asks will forever remain unanswered.
She feels she is but a face without a name, left to search for herself all alone.
The love that her heart longs for is nothing to her but a fairytale.
Her heart has been shattered like glass and has cut her soul to pieces.
The scars and the pain run deep-too deep for even the sun to shed light on.
But they are not a crutch to lean on. They are not an excuse.
Nay, they are but her beauty marks.
And her tears have cleansed her of her weariness.
For she has found One who is mighty to save.
One who takes great delight in her.
One who quiets her with His love.
One who rejoices over her with singing.
She has discovered her true identity.
And she no longer worries about the future.
For her heart has been spoken for.

Life According to Hannah

Today I got really inspired, even though I'm not really sure by what. I look at people around me and see the way they go about their lives and wonder and how we all have such completely different perspectives on the same situation based on what we have been through and how we interpret our lot. I have been through a lot in my life, and while not all of it has been peaches and cream, if you will, it has all served to make me a stronger and better person. That is all thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who died for me and my sins so that I can live and be free of bondage. And no matter what I go through, I am able to have to outlook on life that my Savior is alive and that He is coming again someday to take me home to be with Him. But in the meantime, I will weather the storms here on earth with a happy heart because I know that His love for me is stronger than anything I could ever conjure up in my mind, or anything that any human could ever give me. So today, as I observe those around me, I am struck by this reality:

I am not a pessimist, I'm a realist. I've learned the hard way that life, no matter how much we try to tell ourselves that it is, is not perfect. Yes, God is good and faithful, and he always does what is best for us in the end. But that doesn't mean that we will always be happy or enjoy what we're going through. God allows us to go through hard times in order to teach us patience, which builds character. I pity those that are constantly trying to convince themselves that their lives are perfect and that nothing ever goes wrong. Because if you fail to see the inconsistencies in life, the things that hurt and are unfair, you will fail to see the goodness of God, his mercy and justice, and his unfathomable great love that covers all our flaws.

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place." 2 Corinthians 2:14